What kind of teacher do I want to be? Damn… I really wish I knew
the answer to that question. Should I know the answer to that question? I have
been teaching for 12 weeks now, you think that I would have figured out some
kind of style by now. Nope I have no idea. I hope this isn’t something that we
are supposed to have completely figured out at this point because I am very
uncertain, and if we are I apologize Karen, I will hopefully figure it out
shortly. Honestly, I think I am trying to write this blog post in the hope that
putting ideas down on paper might help me to actually understand what I have
been doing in these classes that I have been in charge of for the last twelve
weeks. As I am trying to conceptualize the kind of teacher that I have been to
my students for what has almost been an entire semester, it may seem like I
have no idea what I am doing and probably shouldn’t be teaching these people.
One of those is right. I still have absolutely no idea what I'm doing, but I do
think I should be teaching these people. I honestly think I might be doing an
alright job. I believe I owe that to the beautiful concept of self-reflection.
The concept of self-reflection has really blown my mind this
semester. Here I look to Fassett and Warren. “It is not simply an act of
reflection, an ordering of what was said when and to whom, but rather a process
of reflexion, an ongoing effort to call out, illuminate the (re)creation of
ourselves, our values, assumptions, and practices” (Fassett & Warren, 2007,
p.50). There are a lot of reasons behind why I fell in love with communication
studies and came to grad school, and I think the biggest being the change I
want to see in this world. I learned so much in my undergrad about the world,
about myself, but the most important thing I learned was the importance of
listening. I began to see the way the world really is, beyond my bubble of
privilege. I wanted to take everything I know and bring forth change, fight so
everyone can have the opportunities that I have had, to have the happy life
that we all deserve. This might all be asking a lot, but I know I won’t ever be
able to live with myself if I don’t try to change this world.
So how can I engage in these world changing ideas now. Well I am
now in one of the most important positions in society, I’m now a teacher. I
have the responsibility of educating the curious students coming to university
to expand their minds and learn to make sense of the world around them. I think
about how life changing my undergrad was for me and how much these kids are
going to experience within their next four years, and am completely amazed that
I could potentially have some kind of influence in that. But shit, that’s
pretty intimidating. What if I fuck this up? What if ignorantly abuse my place
of privilege within my positionality and reinforce negative social structures
that exist within my classroom? There is a great possibility that could
potentially happen. That’s why self-reflection is my best friend. It’s my only
hope to become the teacher that I want to be, and to create the classroom that
I want. A classroom where students act as teachers, where we learn from and
respect each other’s experiences. Where we understand that listening to one
another is the most important thing that we can learn to do. A place where no
one is afraid to speak their mind and really be honest in a place where we have
the amazing opportunity to question and to learn.
That’s the goal, to engage in self-reflection in every single
possible way that I can. To use the teachings of bell hooks as words of an
experience that I will never know. To listen to the world around me. And to not
fear the pain that comes with finding out the truths about myself and the world
I know, but to embrace them and create change through them. I believe I am a
decent teacher, but I know I can always be better. And that’s what this
semester is about, to use self-reflection to be the best I can be. No. That’s
what the rest of my life is about. To engage in self-reflection everyday that I
can. To think about myself and the position I possess in this world. Thinking
about how I can take this understanding of myself and continue to grow and
become better than I was the day before. And may this semester, my first year
of grad school and my first year of teaching be the starting point for
that.
So no, I still don’t know what kind of teacher I am, and I don’t
think I’ll ever really know for sure. But damn do I hope it’s a good one. I
hope that I can get through to my students, to help them foster the same love
for learning that I have. To show them the way that the world really is, a
world that is hard, but a world that is worth loving. I am so excited to go on
this journey of figuring out what kind of teacher I am, and I can’t even
imagine the amount of things that I will learn along the way.
Professor Tolj (hahaha),
ReplyDeleteI find comfort in knowing that I am not the only one who doesn’t know the answer to what kind of teacher they’d like to be. Do you want to be a professor one day? I admire your goals to change the world. I hope you can change the world. Do you feel any new pressures now that you are a teacher? What would you do to help your students speak their minds? How can you get your students to have the same love for learning that you have? How will you monitor your learning as a TA? What do you hope to get out of being a TA? How can you listen to the world around you?
Jonathon,
ReplyDeleteMan, I'm right there with you. I don't have a definite answer of what kind of teacher I want to be. I only have an idea of what kind of things I want to incorporate into my classroom and the scholars I want to strive to model. It's almost intimidating having great scholars and teachers to follow. They had their stuff together, they knew how to act in their classroom, and how to keep their students as their priority. I want to be a teacher that students like. I want to be a teacher who doesn't oppress their students and gives them the opportunity to actively engage in their learning. I want to be the kind of teacher where people say "wow, she has her stuff together. She really knows what she's doing." Until that day comes, which who knows if it ever will if we're being honest, self-reflexivity will be my best friend. I need to use self-reflection to my advantage and think about the ways I can improve as an instructor. Here's to both the joys and challenges that come with being reflective!
Jonathon,
ReplyDeleteI relate to this so much! I feel like I bounce back and forth between "thinking" I know what I'm doing, to being totally lost, always trying to figure out who I am as a teacher and how I can be the best I can be. Ultimately, I think you're right about self-reflection. While we don't have all the answers, we aren't really supposed to, and by engaging in self-reflection we can come to the understanding that we don't need to be right but we can be informed about how to move forward as growing teachers and students. Personally, I love Palmer's idea of "re-remembering" as a form of self reflection as it gives us an opportunity to reflect on those great teachers in our lives, and who we were as students, in order to transform who we are as teachers now. We've got this!