BIGS is Rich

I counted out ten pennies. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. Ten pennies clumped together on the table before me. I knew this was coming. I knew this was coming. I. Knew.This. Was. Coming. 

I had time to sit with the readings, carry them around in my bag, and sleep with them on the nights that I fell asleep reading them. It served as no surprise that I would be given an incentive to contribute to the class discussion. Being ten cents richer for an hour or two felt nice. But those copper coins felt awkward to handle as well. Even shifting them about the table, as a token of contribution felt stiff. I met myself with a mixture of acceptance, obligation, but also some discomfort. I wanted to get out of class early as much as the next person, but I still found myself questioning what I wanted to say. Did my contribution feel as valuable, despite each coin being exactly the same? I wondered, if my words felt like they amounted to the value of the coin. 

I was given ten pennies for my thoughts and even that seemed like it was too much. 

As I read Voices and Silences in Our Classrooms: Strategies for Mapping Trails Among Sex/Gender, Race and Class I instantly knew in my gut that we would be using one of these strategies in the classroom. It was genius really. I knew that, if we didn’t use one of the methods in class, I might have actually moved to make a suggestion for it. I silently hoped, between my highlighting and illegible notes in the margins, that we wouldn’t do it, but I knew it would be an effective challenge for all of us. I knew I wanted to try the “pay to talk” method (Bell & Golombisky,  2004, p. 299) with my own students because I found it so fascinating. I felt like a dog seeing their owner, as the activity seeped into my mind. It excited me. It is a good show night for BIGS, I now know how to further perfect my act. 

This activity would be dreadful for my quieter students, but would be challenging for more vocal students. I would think that my earlier 1010 section would have a more difficult time with getting rid of their coins, as they are mostly a quieter bunch and a bit more disengaged at times. My second class however, has a handful of students that remain more vocal and outgoing.  I would imagine some of my students might try to give away their penny/pennies and that others might save them up until the end. I already know the names and faces of students who might have trouble saving their coins. However, I have found that my quieter students offer just as powerful insights to the class. It makes me wonder why I feel my own voice has little value so much of the time. Perhaps, it’s a degree of imposter syndrome that has been covertly sickening me as the semester has continued on. 

Silence and voice are the biggest theme and barrier for good girls in the classroom. Many girls silence their voices, due to the conditioning that they have undergone within the classroom. Race adds a double jeopardy for African American women, in regards to silence and voice. 

“White girls begin to silence themselves at adolescence, girls of color are caught in class and racial binds that make them invisible and unwelcome in the classroom, and the education system reinforces this decline. Schools, according to Sadker and Sadker (1994) participate in undermining smart women dampening girls’ aspirations through various forms of gender bias, including a lower quality and quantity of classroom attention” (Bell & Golombisky, 2004, p. 297). 

It’s a bit alarming how a piece from fifteen years ago still rings true today. And it feels odd to write about an issue pertaining to race, but it is inherently linked to my positionality. Pedagogy has definitely encouraged me to continue to recognize and identify how my positionality affects me in the many roles I play. It affects even roles that I do not play. It influences how I see everything in my life and even influences how I think others might see things too. Of course, I have also continued to be challenged to question my views, values, and beliefs as I continue to navigate (more like drown) in academic settings. I continue to be exposed to the world around me and to question why, how, when, all of these things in life became of relevance or why they never were. 

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“...Singh's question: "If you had to. which White privilege would you give up?" White students ponder this question: the privilege of not being followed in department stores? The privilege of knowing courses, books, popular entertain- ment will reflect your daily reality—as mainstream, rather than a special case? The resulting discussions are lively and productive, but White students rarely make a choice because they don't have to…” (Bell & Golombisky, 2004, p. 311).

As I was attempting to send a friend a gif today, I scrolled through the images that populated the gif catalogue. I saw cartoons, animals, anime characters, and fictional characters. It ranged from Friends to Monsters Inc. to Pokemon. I saw a sea of faces that did not look like mine (even though I would love to be a pikachu). Much of the time, this acknowledgement was a silent one. I paid no mind to it. I ignored it. I pretended it didn’t bother me. After all, what could I do or say? Was I truly powerless to it? In the past, it felt as if the thought did not roll across my mind in a conscious way. In some ways it felt like an illusion of “harmlessness”. So, maybe it was “harmless” in some ways, not really, but okay, but yet sometimes it was consuming in other ways. When I think about it, it is difficult to find myself reflected on television, at school, in products (clothes, health and beauty products, etc.) . Something as simple as the funny popular culture examples I was exposed to felt empty and blemished. 

I suppose now, I question how to balance my newfound enlightenment in graduate school with my doubts and worries that surround my everyday life. This Juggler will have to figure that out.

BIGS tip: Never stop exploring what life has to offer. You may find something you like.