C’s get degrees

Who am I to be grading these students papers? Who am I to be judging their work? Who I am to be determining these students success in their college career? These are just a few of the questions that I would ask myself every single time it was time for me to grade any of my students' work. Questions that I would ask my peers consisted off: When did you take off points? Do you think this work deserves a failing grade? How am I even supposed to be grading this??? I could even think about grading an OA without having a serious amount of anxiety about it. I was so confused about this. I had already gotten up in front of three separate classes, 90 kids in total and pretended to be a teacher. I was putting together lesson plans, leading class discussion, engaging in class activities, and answering questions and applying concepts for students. But no matter how well I thought I was doing as a teacher I could not bring myself to become comfortable with grading these students work. Until Freire taught me why. 

I think that my anxiety of grading comes from my time as a student, which I believe every feeling towards teaching that I have now comes from, as it is my only experience on the subject. Growing up in school all the way through my undergrad, I was never concerned with the grades I made. Of course I would always strive for an A and made sure I worked my hardest to get good grades, but at the end of the day I was always content with my mindset of if I worked hard and put forth the effort then it never mattered what kind of grade i got. The only thing that mattered to me was if I was actually learning anything. Was I getting what I wanted out of the classes I was taking. Was I giving the same respect back to my teachers and professors by learning the material, to match the effort and respect they were giving to me by trying to teach me the material. But I never liked the idea of grading, I understand how it is necessary but I think I’ve always had a frustration with it. This frustration probably comes from my frustration with the education system and how all students are expected to meet these set requirements when all students are different from one another. I also thought that grades were just a way to fuel a competitive fire in students against one another, when we should be putting our efforts to how we can work together, not do better than one another. 

But now I am here teaching within the system that I believed to be quite flawed. And I have to obey these rules that are set in place in order to give students an education. Because of this I have to grade student’s work, participate in a structure of evaluation that I can’t bring myself to agree with. WHO AM I to be grading these individuals work, to be judging them on their ideas? These students work to engage in vulnerable acts of putting their thoughts to paper and then I come along and fail them because they did it wrong? Along with this discomfort in having to cast judgement towards their ideas, I was just in their place last semester! But now I am trusted with their education, and their potential futures by giving them the grades that will help determine their success within school. The frustration I had towards my fear of grading students was really clarified when we were reading Freire, specifically when he talked about the oppressor vs. the oppressed.

Freire explains how we as teachers are actively acting as oppressors towards our students. This concept honestly terrifies me to my core. The reason I came to grad school for communication studies was because of the realities that I learned about oppression within my undergrad, and how I wanted to continue with my education in order to find out how I could work to try and deconstruct these oppressive structures that exist within society. The classroom is one of the places where I already have the opportunity to work to break down these structures. As a straight, white male I am very aware of the privilege that I possess within my positionality. Because of this I am also very aware of the responsibility that I have to work as hard as I can to make sure that I don’t engage in oppressive acts with my positionality. So understanding my place in the classroom, with my positionality, being aware of my role as a teacher reinforcing oppressive structures is quite stressful. But this awareness is incredibly important, and is something I must think about constantly, not only within the classroom, but also how I engage in everyday life as well. I have to be constantly thinking about what I might do that could potentially abuse the privilege I have, and how I can instead use my positionality to deconstruct problematic structures. 

So how does this help with my fear of grading? After engaging in self-reflection I believe that having a fear of grading is probably quite beneficial for me and my role as a teacher. I have to learn to accept the fact that grading is something that has to be done within education, and I also have to accept the fact that I was asked to be a TA because I am qualified to be here. But despite allowing myself to understand that I am “qualified” to be grading my students, grading is something that I shouldn’t ever take lightly. Grading is important, I do have an incredible amount of power by doing it, and I am actively engaging as an oppressor when doing it. These are things that I should always be thinking about when I am grading. I have been given quite a big responsibility with grading, and I have to acknowledge that responsibility and the power that comes with when grading every single one of my student’s work. I owe it to them to take it seriously, and to give them my honest feedback on their work, as not doing so will only hurt them more. I may always fear grading, and will probably never feel comfortable with doing it, but maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe this fear will hold me accountable to the responsibility that I have to these students.