11/25
What’s up, fellow teens!
It has been a tough few weeks for your dude. I would spare you the details, so I will.
I thought about quitting last week. Briefly, and half-heartedly, but I did. I couldn’t think; couldn’t focus on all the work I had left to do, much of which was already past due. Keeping up with this blog has been a casualty of my inability to do good brain. Brain won’t go right,! I needed a break. I took a self-care weekend, but that didn’t help; only put me deeper in the work hole. No one needs a vacation more than the person who just had one.
It’s a quiet depression now, I can laugh and hang, but i can recognize the depression because I’ve been here before. I am finding it increasingly difficult to care about scholarly pursuits. “Self-care” is becoming a prison of aimlessness, where the urge to escape the constantly shifting landscape of my own (and my students’) education into activities and mindsets that are more comforting but far less productive.
“Missing the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is missing an opportunity to escape … to leave the demands of scholarly obligation and find refuge in wonder.” (Fassett and Warren, 2007)
The introduction to Critical Communication Pedagogy seemed to speak to me in particular; it was exactly what I needed at the time. The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is my nap time; my artsy video game; my umpteenth re-watch of The Fifth Element. It is comfort, and it is loneliness. Fassett and/or Warren didn’t go into the Music Zone, and I have to make my choice whether to sink back into the zones that keep me comfortable and docile.
“To go to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and stand in the illusion we had created was to neglect our own commitments … Choosing the lullaby, a space of illusory comfort and peace, was never going to bring us a sense of real community” (Fassett and Warren, 2007)
I’m so tired. It’s a tough pill to swallow. I’m so tired. The next two weeks are a mountain.
So it seems that both my blogs so far have been about reaffirmation, attempting to remind myself why I’m here. Getting back into school after over two years away has already been trying. I’m still at the beginning stages of the healing process. Ask me at the end of the semester and, depending on how things go, I may be able to tell you again with a heartfelt tone that I’m where I need to be.
Jesse, I to identified with the opening of Critical Communication Pedagogy, especially the analogy of missing the rock-n-roll hall of fame. I know the feel of giving in to “self-care” activities instead of getting some work done. Sometimes the body needs a space of illusory comfort to be able to process and persevere. I have found some of my best work comes after a day or two of self-care and a long whining session. So many times this semester I have questioned why I am here and if it is really worth it. While I cannot imagine the pain or how difficult it may be to focus. I believe you will discover your reason to continue, whether it be to set an example or better your future or even make someone proud. I know you can finish strong and I know we are all here for you, over the next two weeks and beyond. #thefeels
ReplyDeleteJesse, you're right. The last two weeks of the semester are a cold mountain to climb, but you're absolutely capable of it. It's so easy to feel guilty and blame yourself when partaking in self-care. I think that you need to reward yourself for the things you have done well instead of focusing on the negatives (easier said than done, I know). So here's a pick me up: YOU FREAKING ROCK. Subbing for your classes was wonderful, they are so energetic and talkative and love your class. You're obviously doing something right in the classroom, even if everything else doesn't seem to be falling in place. You're totally making a rad impression on your fellow teens. You're meant to be here and we appreciate having you here.
ReplyDeleteI'm commenting a bit late on this, but look how close you are to completing your first semester. Buddy, you belong here. I know that's short and sweet, but there's really no need to elaborate more. So let me elaborate more. This program can be the most trying time, especially as a teacher. Not to mention, when life hits you like a sack of bricks, the workload can swallow you up. You've accomplished so much in such a short amount of time, and I'm proud of you.
ReplyDeleteHi Jesse,
ReplyDeleteI remember this time. I remember hoping strongly that you wouldn't, but also understanding how this program can be too much sometimes. It gets pretty dark sometimes, but we all manage to make it out okay. Thank you for your voice and your contributions to your students/representative of our crew.
-Bailey