By definition, I have always been too much as a person and as an individual. Too much "of what" depends on the current moment or the current way I am failing, but I am always too much and there's an intensity to me that other people simply can't handle.
I have always had my passions, things that I truly care about, things that I love and obsess over. My special subjects and especially my hyperfixations shift often, but a few things stay stable, if not constant. I have wondered recently whether Communication Studies is something that has become a special subject or a hyperfixation.
I certainly treat it like it is.
I have a tendency towards getting too excited about things that I care about and talking too much, for too long, longer and more in-depth than people are actually interested in listening to. I try to be extra vigilant - since I have a hard time with social cues, I have to pay more attention to find them to be a respectful person, since this society is structured with the mandate that those who are neurodivergent, mentally ill, or differently-abled/disabled are the ones who have the burden of accommodating and comforting the neurotypical, not the other way around. I try to catch myself when I'm rambling. Or I try to give a minimal response and only allow myself to tell more when others ask. 9 times out of 10, they don't ask.
Or-
I don't know how many times as a student in the classroom, as a teacher in the classroom, or outside of academia entirely, I have paused in the middle of an explanation or a ramble and said aloud, "But you guys don't care about this", and proceeded to get back to the topic.
Yes, Palmer and hooks and Freire and everybody are right about humans, and I know that most people do have an interest in learning new things, but that doesn't mean that they want to learn from me, and they don't care about the material or what I'm excited about. They just want to know what they need to pass the class. COMM 1010 is a required class for many majors, if I remember correctly. They're not actually interested in being there, and I'm certainly not showing myself as someone respectable, rambling like that.
I care too much. There it is, this "too much" that is inherent to my being again. When I get excited about communication theory in the class and start connecting it to life or history, I need to remember that I'm not a history teacher, and I'm probably only confusing them, and that they don't care even a quarter as much as I do. I need to keep trying to get them to talk to me, and to remember that this class is for and about them, not about what I want to say, even if I think it helps. What I think is already tainted. I like to think my passion is a good thing, but passion isn't rewarded in this society.
Besides, I'm neurodivergent, and my students are neurotypical, and I have to honor experiences that are different from my own, and I have to cater to their needs, and I have to create a community of truth with them in a way that lets them seek out their truths. Letting me answer my own questions means they don't have to do the work, so they probably don't mind that, but they don't have my love of communication studies, and I have to respect that, and rambling and engaging in a special subject doesn't give me credibility with them. I need to have better control of myself.
Palmer says teachers need to know their identity and their integrity, to be their full selves in the classroom. But because my full self is "too much", I bore other people at best and harm them at worst. It's not their fault that I get so excited about things and then wonder why they don't have any care or interest, let alone passion, in what I talk about, both in and out of academia. And I'm sure I confuse them - haven't you ever heard people say that autistic people don't experience emotions? We do, we just have trouble with empathy and with understanding what we feel, and for those like me, we feel things too strongly, too intensely. For me, everything is dialed up at an 11, all the time, except when it's not - and I have to remember most normal people exist at like a 4 or something.
I do it with neurodivergence and autism too. I'm sure most of you are probably about ready to strangle mei if either of those words comes out of my mouth again.
I'll shut up now (and hopefully, I can keep doing it).
Hi Caitlin,
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for a critically reflexive blog post. First and foremost, I want to let you know that your passion for Communication Studies is validated. Being in a co-facilitation group with you was one of my fondest memories in graduate school thus far, and your passion helped me get passionate about rhetoric too!
Unfortunately, most students in COMM 1010 take the course because it is, in fact, a requirement. However, I hope you realize that for one student who thinks it is "too much", you are making a difference every day, whether you believe it or not, and those students are lucky to have you as their TA. In addition, a lot of these students probably expected the banking model of education, but that is not what they are getting in COMM 1010. They are learning how to be co-intentional learners. I can actually speak from experience about this and did not do well on the first exam five years ago because I assumed I'd be learning with a banking model of education. Anyway, I know it can be discouraging, but you are doing a great job.
Best,
Kendal
Hi Kendal!
DeleteWow, I'm touched that our co-facilitation in Fem Crit was so meaningful to you! But I think that surprise fits in with the rest of what you said in your comment, that I don't necessarily know what my impact is. And maybe you're right. I think it's just hard to get into the mindset of other people - and maybe that's what #TeachingWhileNeurodivergent is about, really - that knowing myself is all I can really know, and so I just have to do my best to be welcoming to any and all other mindsets, and help students learn the best I can.
Hi Caitlin,
ReplyDeleteThanks for your vulnerability in the post. You and I are different but I also struggle with being extra during social interactions which includes teaching and general classroom decorum. As a student, I loved seeing passion from my professors because it was hard for me to get excited about a subject if the professor didn't seem to care about the subject. Often times, the pages of readings come alive when I engage in discussions with other people. At the same time, as a debate coach, I've been told by students that at first, I come across too strong. That I have too much energy and that I talk too quickly.
All of this is to say, yes, it is good to have balance in your teaching; however, I want to honor and recognize your passion and enthusiasm as a positive in the classroom and social interactions writ large. The fact that you are vulnerable about your experiences being nuerodivergent and autistic is important because it's impacted me and I'm sure it's impacted others--including your students! After all, part of true solidarity is being down for the cause while still honoring our identity with integrity.
Hi Kinny,
DeleteThank you for your response! It's reassuring to know that it isn't just me - that there are others who struggle with feeling like they're too intense or passionate as instructors. And I do appreciate the perspectives you've offered as a student and a coach/instructor - I will have to reflect on this.
Hey Caitlin,
ReplyDeleteI want to start off by saying that I can resonate with almost everything that you have said. Being neurodivergent while also being an instructor has always posed problem for me. Specifically, I started teaching/coaching before I was 18 years old and subsequently before I received my Autism diagnosis. For me, when hooks talks about vulnerability being so important it scares me. I used to wonder why I was so different than everyone in social situations. It seems that I am always oversharing or saying something that is deemed as inappropriate. As an instructor, I feel like I have less room for error in that realm. I completely feel the need to "shut up" as if I have been talking too much or maybe in the wrong direction. Sometime I have to remind myself that the way my brain works is NOT a mistake but rather a beautiful mutation. I think through social situations in a pragmatic format with a formula for success, and yes, sometimes that means that I say things that show my neurodivergence, but sometimes I say things and no one else would have connected the same dots that I did.
I have really enjoyed having you in my classes this semester. I have felt like I am not so divergent, especially in times where you see things the same way I did or heard something that only you and I reacted to.
-Alyx
Hi Caitlin,
ReplyDeleteYou're great and I love you and I love when you're vulnerable.
Also, I don't think you're too much. I do think the social norms that our culture abides by don't always provide a space for you to express your passion the way that you want to, but that doesn't mean YOU are too much, that means that our NORMS don't know how to handle you. Those might sound like similar things, but they're really not!!
However, your attention to the fact that other people (particularly 1010 students) may not be invested in your interests in the same way is valid. Just as your desires and passions and needs and expectations are valid, theirs are too. Their expectations are likely set according to our cultural norms, which is (imo) why it feels like there's a clash between your exuberance and their needs. Expectations are, after all, the root of all evil. Recognizing this clash, and considering how to create a space that does what you want it to - and what you want it to do is up to you, but that choice effects your students as well - is maybe a step in finding a balance in this environment, and helping you to feel less like "too much." I don't have a resolution here because I don't want to be preachy or to give you advice that you're not asking for, but if you ever want to talk about the vat of trouble (and pleasure!) that is expectations, just let me know.