Final Blog Post: So How do I Continue my Journey in #TrustingTheProcess?

 

Whew! Week 13 is here. I cannot even believe my time in Pedagogy and Communication is coming to an end. It is surreal, but even more so is the fact that my time as a contributor on this amazing blog is coming to an end. I have had a blast being able to document my first semester as a brand-new graduate teaching assistant and graduate student on this blog. Moreover, it has been so much fun for me to see what my incredible peers and pedagogues have had to offer. I want to take a minute to say thank you so much to my entire class and to Dr. Anderson-Lain for all you have done for me this semester. Each one of you have strengthened me and believed in me when I did not necessarily believe in myself. You all celebrated alongside me when I achieved victories, and were there to offer me encouraging words when I needed them the most. I hope I was able to do the same for you. Furthermore, we have had some amazing conversations in Pedagogy that will forever stick with me, and while we could not spend our days bonding in the space (I so hope we get to do more of that next semester!), we built a pretty amazing community that I am so thankful for!

 

              This final installment of my blog will attempt to answer the question: So where do I go from here in #TrustingTheProcess? It’s a big question, but I’m going to attempt to answer it here. First, as a TA, I have become way better at trusting myself, my instincts, and #TrustingTheProcess. As Deanna Dannels discusses, every new teacher experiences some level of worry. It is a normal part of teaching, so I’ll think I’ll always have that. However, instead of calling it “worry,” I will call it pure excitement. I truly love teaching. As Palmer says, teaching is, without a doubt, heart work. It has undoubtedly made me a better person. My students are incredible. I believe they will be the generation that figures out to way to change the world, for the better. I am so proud of their dedication to COMM 1010 and a semester that none of us expected. I am proud of the ways in which I have grown to trust myself as a teacher too. I notice a big change in how I explain concepts and even implement the appropriate communication strategies I read about in the amazing book, “Communication in Action”. In the beginning of the semester, I experienced some apprehension about if I was engaging with my students enough and if they were truly understanding the concepts. Whenever I graded their online activities, however, I could tell they were catching on and even, hopefully, implementing the concepts in their own lives. I was and continue to be so proud of their abilities to be vulnerable, to disclose to me as their instructor, and to want to grow and learn as communication scholars. I can’t wait to see what they bring to the table for their Advocacy in Action project, and I look forward to seeing the incredible work they will do on their COMM 1010 EPortfolios, as it will give me a chance to see all the ways in which they have grown this semester through taking the course.

 

              As a student…oh, boy. #TrustingTheProcess is daily work, but that’s okay. I finally am at a point where I can accept that #TrustingTheProcess will always be something I need to continue to work on. And you know what? I am okay with that. I am okay with that because so far, I’ve had a pretty great experience in graduate school, all be it challenging (welcome challenges though, of course).

 

              In Communication Theory with Dr. Ahmed, #TrustingTheProcess came in the form of having meetings to find out how I was doing. It is important to note that when you go to graduate school, you do not always get grades. Professors care more about whether you are actually learning and measure that by final projects. This is absolutely something I am still getting used to. It’s not a bad thing at all, just something I must admit has thrown me off a bit. When I turned in my outline, I experienced a string of emotions such as “Did I do this the right way?” to “Okay, I think I’m doing well but what if I’m on the wrong track?” When I met with Dr. Ahmed, he told me I did well and that I am on the right track for my final! To say I was relieved would simply be a bit of an understatement: I was so, so happy and thankful. I was not all that surprised, because interpersonal communication is where my strengths lie and where I will be applying for not only doctoral programs but also for jobs in communication.

 

              Pedagogy with all of you is where I have had the easiest experience in #TrustingTheProcess as a graduate student. I love Pedagogy for many reasons, including the fact that Karen gives my peers and I many opportunities to succeed. I personally loved the online engagement activities and had amazing groups in Lisa, Taylor, Lia, and Jacinta. Working on the Fish debate with Kinny, Caitlin, Taylor, and Lisa were an experience I will never forget. Also, even though I never worked with Leah Brooks-Hall in a group, they are seriously incredible, and I learn something new from them whenever we get an opportunity to speak. Okay, so back to #TrustingTheProcess in Pedagogy. One of my research areas of interest is in pedagogy, specifically Critical Communication Pedagogy in the context of mentoring. Therefore, I came into Karen’s course knowing a good amount of information about what pedagogy is. However, I do not know everything about pedagogy or really anything for that matter. Nobody does. However, my research about pedagogy certainly helped me feel comfortable with the things we were discussing in class. From Dannels to Palmer, to Fassett & Warren, to even, believe it or not, Fish, to Bell Hooks, Freir, Plax & Kerney, Civickly, Darling, Gorham, and Bain, I learned something valuable about teaching, classroom management, and learning. I will continue to implement the techniques each one of these incredible scholars brought into my life by reading their works. Specifically, I will implement Freir’s importance of bringing dialogue and true solidarity into my classroom as an instructor. From Fassett & Warren, I will bring a critical voice to teaching. Also, I will empower my students to use their power. We will be vulnerable, we will probably make mistakes, but we will all engage in mutual learning together. I, the instructor, will step back, allowing my students to have appropriate amounts of power. I will help my students discover the answers to questions by not necessarily giving it to them, but by engaging them in a process of self-reflexivity in an effort to try to find their truest answers on their own. From Palmer, I will bring my whole self into teaching. I will help my students realize that vulnerability can be used as a tool for trust. Being vulnerable does not equate to weakness. It actually does just the opposite, as Palmer would teach us. For me, vulnerability is about opening my heart up to be my truest self in front of my students. I will bring curiosity and excitement Deanna Dannels so eloquently discussed in “Eight Essential Questions Teachers Ask”, and when I advance in the discipline, my hope is that I can also bring a wealth of experience such as the wealth of experience Dr. Dannels brings to her classroom every year when she begins teaching. Fish taught me that professors should not try to do anyone else’s job, but I disagree with him on the grounds  that my most effective and best professors were the ones who got to know me and mentored me, encouraging me to pursue Communication Studies as a career. I think Stanley Fish would say that professors should not be vulnerable with students, but I disagree with that as well because my best professors and Tas were the ones who could be professional yet vulnerable. Finally, I will bring the enthusiasm of using popular culture as a tool to educate my students, as Kyle Hammonds and Dr. Anderson-Lain brought to their students by using Batman comic books as a way to engage COMM 1010 students in topics they felt timid about. Popular culture can teach students a great deal about the world in which we live in, and I absolutely plan to use it in my teaching as appropriate.

 

              You may wonder why I’ve waited till the end of this blog post to touch on #TrustingTheProcess in Feminist Criticism. Well, I’ve waited till the end of this blog post because I still haven’t quite got that one figured out, and to be honest, I don’t know that I ever will. However, what I do know is that my overall experience in Feminist Criticism has taught me a lot more about myself and my research interests than just feminist rhetoric. To put my experience kindly but bluntly, I feel like the student Fassett & Warren (2007) had in their thesis defense. I’m not necessarily that student, the student who is choking and “[swallowing scholarly discourse]” (p. 76), but I am the student who is always trying to catch my breath. I am the student who “burbles, but no words come out” (p. 76). Except for in my case, words do come out of my mouth, but I am always questioning if they are the right words, the correct words. My professor tells me my active participation in class is good. She tells me I do a nice job of making appropriate points in the class. But I don’t feel like my points are that great. While I know more about feminist theory and feminist rhetoric than I did coming into the class, I am legit scared to write my final paper, which is 20 pages long. I am pretending like it is 4 papers in one, which means I will write the appropriate amount every day until next Monday, when I will turn it in. Baby steps, as my good friend Jacinta tells me. One foot in front of the other, Kendal, until the paper is complete. However, it must be done, and I think it will go well.  To be honest with you though, what if I just can’t make an appropriate rhetorical argument? What if I mess it up? Get a bad grade? I try really hard to push these questions out of my mind and turn them to more positive questions like, “What if this paper works out great? What if I do know what I’m doing and just need to do it?” As a rhetorician though, I have not figured out how to trust myself. #TrustingTheProcess in Feminist Criticism has been my biggest challenge this semester. As my time in Feminist Criticism ends, I have figured out that #TrustingTheProcess has helped me thus far. There is one thing I learned above all else, besides the fact that I know more about feminist rhetoric than I did before the class. As the semester winds down and I start to write my final papers while grading my students’ finals, I learned what type of communication scholar I am not, and that is a critical scholar. I have nothing but respect for rhetoric and criticism as a whole. However, I am more of an interpretative and social scientist than I am a critical scholar, and that is a productive thing to learn about myself through my journey in Feminist Criticism. No matter what grade I receive at the end of the semester for Feminist Criticism, I will always appreciate the learning experience it has provided me. I will always appreciate the ways in which I have learned to at least attempt to be more critical. I will also appreciate the unwavering support of my peers such as you all, my amazing professor, Dr. Suzanne Enck, who always has encouraging and wise advice to offer me, and my mentor, who  told me to put the grade aside and just treat the entire course as a learning  experience. I have a feeling that the grade will ultimately work itself out, as she said, and I am excited to continue to push myself in graduate school and beyond to keep learning and exercising my brain.

 

              So, what has this semester taught me about #TrustingTheProcess, and where should I go from here? For starters, I am going to keep the faith and keep #TrustingTheProcess, even when I am scared it won’t work out. It always works out in the end, and I have a good feeling my final 20-page paper will actually be great. I also have a feeling that I learned a lot more than even I can put into words right now. #TrustingTheProcess is easier said than done, but trust has taken me this far in my graduate degree. Faith has taken me a long way in life and will continue to do so. Full Disclosure: I was born four months early and was 1 pound 6 ounces at my grand entrance. Doctors told my parents I wouldn’t make it, but here I am today, so there really is a greater purpose. I have always had a lot of faith that things would work out well, and so far they have. That won’t change now. Everything is always working out for my greater good. Faith and trust will continue to propel me forward. I am excited to continue #TrustingTheProcess as I embark on new courses in the spring. This spring I will be learning about #TrustingTheProcess in Performance Methods, Performance Theory, and Health Communication. While I know it will not always be easy and it will ultimately be a welcome challenge, I am excited to see what knowledge I will gain and what knowledge I can bring into each space. Finally, I am so excited about teaching next semester. I have indicated my preferences for what courses I would like to teach, and no matter what Dr. Anderson-Lain decides to put me in,  I am excited to teach my amazing students how to continue to be the most effective communicators. I am excited to continue to use the knowledge I have gained in Pedagogy to influence my teaching styles and to see how my students and I can grow as co-intentional learners together. As I wrap up my final blog post for the semester, I am left feeling grateful and hopeful. I’m grateful I took the courses I did and I’m especially grateful for the peer support I have received in the UNT COMM program. Finally, I am thankful for the life changing opportunity teaching has given me. Thank you so much for going on the journey of #TrustingTheProcess with me, and I look forward to writing more soon, just not on here. This blog has inspired me so much that I am considering starting my own personal blog…so stay tuned!