Knock knock? Whose's there? Many. Many, who? Many people are sad. A comment that started off as dark humor but turned into a not so funny joke anymore. We are still trying.
A few snap backs. To recover. To make way quickly to where we need to reach. We have reached the calm before the storm but every matter still feels like trying attempts to succeed, or rather barely hold on. Reading blog post, after blog post. Wanted to end this blog series on a positive note. Yet, we end on a realistic note instead. We are struggling. Talking to students, peers, and professors. And making the continuous comments of "We are just trying." "The semester is almost over." "It gets better."
Reaching the calm before the storm. Going through the first semester of grad school at UNT, every week felt like a week to go through. I kept reminding myself that I will eventually gain the rhythm and find my way to succeed. We reach the last few weeks, and I admit. I am still struggling. I feel in the same place as the beginning. And surprisingly, I still am hopeful that academia will be what I want to continue for the rest of my life. All my colleagues and professors continually reassure me, yet I feel that everyone believes in me besides myself. Though I appreciate all the kind words, I also recognize the imposter syndrome. What a concept.
One realization in grad school: It gets better. The tables will turn (eventually). It has to. Or at least, we will make it to the end.
The tables have yet to turn. As the drop date just passed, I noticed how many of my students who struggled eventually dropped the class. In 3010, I started with 11 students, now only four remained. I felt disheartened because I believed in the students, but I understood that they took a break and did what they needed to do.
The experience with my students foreshadowed my encounter with my professor in Feminist Criticism (Side note: Love Suz. Rhetoric? Not so much). This class took a toll on my semester. Reaching the last weeks of Fem Crit, I have yet to understand what rhetoric means or how to critique. I met with Dr. Enck individually to talk about my final project. In the mid of the meeting, I paused, sighed, and told Dr. Enck: "Suz, I'm sorry. I'm trying. I promise. I know I have not participated as much as I want to but it will get better. Eventually." She made sure I was okay and continued to guide me to answer the questions. We continue to talk and *snap* I reached a point where some of the subject matter finally clicked. Finally made sense. As the meeting came to an end, I smiled, feeling like I gained a sense of direction on where I needed to go. The path to the end felt just a bit clearer from the previous fog that lingered throughout the class. I thanked Suz and left the meeting with a smile on my face, finally experiencing a sense of confidence to finish the project to the best of my ability. Or rather, I accepted that I could gain the ability to understand rhetoric at all.
As our #journeyofuncertainty comes to an end, we remain uncertain. And the tables feel like they have yet to turn. But maybe that's ok. Taking everything one step of the way and learning to recognize situations for the way they are. To appreciate both the highs and the lows. Even if the lows feel harder and seem to outweigh because losses loom larger than gains (Kahneman & Tversky, 1979). Maybe the end goal was to try. To continue to try and enjoy the small steps along the way. To find our team. And root for those who root for us endlessly. Because, my friends. The Communication Studies Department of UNT. We definitely reached that point.
One way to snap back: Find the joys in the little things and acknowledge what you have achieved.
Cheers to more of our journey! Baby steps to reach all our dreams and another step reveals our team. Thank you for being a part of my journey, my friends. #journeyofuncertainty
Citations:
Kahneman, D., & Tversky, A. (1979). Prospect theory: An analysis of decision under risk. Econometrica, 47, 263-291.
TED-Ed. (2018, August 28). What is imposter syndrome and how can you combat it? - Elizabeth Cox [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZQUxL4Jm1Lo&t=65s
Hi Jacinta,
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your perspective and offering so much vulnerability. I know it may not feel this way, but you have a real knack for writing - your words are poetic, and not in a forced texts-from-my-mom sort of way. You should be proud of that (or maybe you will be in 20 years).
I think you're right to categorize (part of) what you're feeling as imposter syndrome. I find that it ebbs and flows, partially in relation to how my own mental health is, and partially in relation to the capacity of those that surround me. I don't know if it's nature or nurture - because there's some people that I've found who never experience it, but most of the folks I like tend to feel it from time to time. Either way, I keep telling myself that imposter syndrome, like stress, can be a catalyst for dysfunction or for increased awareness and capability. When I trick myself into thinking it's doing the latter, I find I can bock out some of the panic. Maybe it'll work the same way for you :)