This weekend I took 3 days off. It's that point in the semester where taking 3 days off is actually pretty stressful and not recommended. Every class has a paper, grading gets harder as final projects begin, and the students who weren't interested in my help are now reaching out for those second chances to make A's as they realize their window of opportunity to keep their 4.0 is dwindling. In exciting news, my thesis is making progress as my major professor helps me understand the immense amount of data I am looking at, and completing a thesis finally seems like a tangible item.
Did I need to take 3 days off? Honestly, yes. Maybe I will play catch up this month for this day off and later again before and after NCA, but I want to be present in all I do. I can't be present when I feel drained or torn in different places. So I went home for the weekend to see my parents and family dog (and our family cat, and family chickens, and family butterfly garden...). Then on Monday I was expecting to get on campus when a doctor specialist called and after a month of waiting for an appointment they could squeeze me in! How thankful I am for that, but boy oh boy, this two hour appointment DRAINED my energy. I went home and slept the rest of the day, far off from my plans of on campus productivity. Maybe my appointment would not have drained me so much under normal circumstances, but last week I had a very stressful series of office hours.
When I read Palmer I bought into the concepts, but didn't quite feel like his book was revolutionary, maybe it's because I already believed teaching was heartwork and that teacher's teach from their self. I've seen enough teachers I adore with everything in me and teachers I loathe to apply that logic. But I hadn't engaged in what I might consider the "grit" of heartwork and teaching until last week. My online teaching semester yielded the opportunity to teach, but many students weren't as engaged due to the circumstance, I feel that I missed the opportunity for involved teaching the way in person has allowed. Back to office hours now, I met with the same student for about 2 hours on two different days and I wish I could say my confidence in the student's understanding of the course concepts improved. They were frustrated, I was frustrated, they were tired, I was tired. AND I was out of ideas to teach, explain, or collaborate further. It took emotional labor to show compassion, patience, and empathy on my part. Compassion for the student, but also for myself. This is the first student I have had where my teaching techniques were exhausted and not guaranteed helpful for this student. I reached out for help from a professor but still felt defeated. I also felt tired, these two hours of time with this student were not easy and as I went into the weekend I felt myself needing a break. Time to reset and rest so I can return next week with the emotional capacity to participate in authentic passion and love for my students and for what I get to teach them.
As graduate students, it is so easy to fall into the notion of needing to constantly work. I see burnout everywhere around me. As I learn and apply aspects of world making, it is important that I try and push back the capitalist mindset that my success and value are tied to by ability to work nonstop. #EducatedWorldmaking in application means taking breaks and being vulnerable about that time instead of falling into toxic work and student cultures that prioritize work over health and lead to burnout. This break might set me behind a bit, but I know that overall, I can't pour from an empty cup. I need time to refill my cup so I can go forth and be the friend, student, teacher, and person I want to be for myself and others.
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