As I approach the near end of my third semester in graduate school and I reflect over my hashtag #MindfulLearning, I want to continue being completely open and vulnerable with not only you all, but myself, as I have recently been faced with some harsh realities that I desperately needed to recognize before it was too late.
I have become #Mindful that my personal life has changed tremendously since this past summer and although these changes were ultimately the best decision, I could have made for myself, there have also been major consequences to my decisions. As of May, I was homeless and without a car. I was previously living with my Mother, but she is mentally ill and goes through periods where she does not like me and will kick me out of the house. I decided that this would be the last time I would go through the uncomfortableness of not knowing if I could come back to a place I called home and trying to force my Mother to love and treat me decently.
From the month of May to August, I bounced around from house to house with my puppy Zeus with hopes that I could get my own apartment and be independent and free from toxic relationships. I am so grateful that I had such a strong support system over the summer to transport me to and from work, and any place I needed to stay for a couple of weeks at a time.Over the summer I worked my ass off to save money to buy furniture for my apartment and have money to pay my rent being that the only reason I was able to get my own apartment was because of the Graduate Assistantship I was offered, but little did I know I would not be receiving my first paycheck until October. I conditioned myself not to spend money unnecessarily, but most importantly not to spend money on food. I would eat once a day or not all and I sadly still do this till this day.
When I moved into my apartment at the beginning of August, I continued this practice because I needed to make sure I could pay my rent being that my only source of income at the time was from DJ’ing. As a result, I have formed an eating disorder that is drastically changing my appearance. None of my clothes fit anymore and I do not like seeing myself in the mirror because I do not recognize the person looking back at me. I have conditioned myself not to eat for the sake of saving money, sustaining energy to keep doing work, and as a result I no longer have an appetite; and if I do eat, it makes me feel sick. It also does not help that I ride a bike for a total of four miles from Downtown Denton to campus and back, therefore nothing I eat will stick to me because I’m burning more calories than I am intaking while also struggling with having an urge to eat at all. Riding the train three days a week has been mentally taxing and affecting me in the darkest and most negative ways.
I get harassed every single day on the train by crackheads, homeless people, and even prostitutes. I try to keep my head down and headphones in, but each and every time I have someone who refuses to leave me alone. I politely try and decline conversation but I either get cursed out or threatened as a result, which keeps me on edge constantly. I’m a tough girl, probably the toughest female you will ever meet. I have been through a lot and I have seen too much, but I can honestly say this is the first time I have ever feared for my well-being in my lifetime. I have had individuals on the train light a crack pipe and try and blow the smoke in my face. I have had men masturbate in front of me and follow me if I moved away from there. I have had a group of men circle around in attempt to get me to converse with them and touch me without asking. You may ask, “Where is security?” They are nowhere to be found on or outside of the DART train. I hold a taser in my hand the entirety of my train ride which surprisingly brings even more unwanted attention to me. I do not know when I will ever get another car because I do not have the money to buy a car, pay for insurance, or even help from my parents. I financially depend on myself, so the train is my only option right now. I am thankful for my professors for allowing me to leave class ten minutes early to catch the last train of the night that departs at 9pm.
I recently made the decision to take a break from DJ’ing because the back-to-back late nights and early mornings were extremely taxing on my workload of being a full-time student, part time teaching assistant, accepting my job back at the radio station, and preparing for COMPS when the semester ends. Thinking back at my decision makes me really sad because DJ’ing is my passion, but I also had to recognize some of the environments I was allowing myself to be sucked into where men were sexually harassing me and trying to force me to have relations with them in order to keep my residency at their specific venue. I let it all go for my sanity and there are so many other things I want to let go, but I am forcing myself to see it through. I promise this is not a cry for help. I have been opening up about this to the people I love and trust, and they are helping my get through it all. I am still #learning how to openly express my struggles and let down my stone brick wall that makes people assume I have my shit together. I am here to #Mindfully recognize and state that I am slowly falling apart, BUT I am striving to #Learn how to put myself back together again.
In the words of Abbass-Dick et al. (2020) “Mindfulness assists individuals to focus their attention, increase their curiosity and accept present moment experiences in the body, which help enable them to recognize that intense, unpleasant sensations do pass,” and this too shall pass.
Thank you for reading.
Source:
Abbass-Dick, J., Sun, W., Stanyon, W. M., Papaconstantinou, E., D’Paiva, V., Jiwani-Ebrahim, N., & Dennis, C.-L. (2020). Designing a mindfulness resource for expectant and new mothers to promote maternal mental wellness: Parents’ knowledge, attitudes and learning preferences. Journal of Child & Family Studies, 29(1), 105–114.
https://doi-org.libproxy.library.unt.edu/10.1007/s10826-019-01657-5
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