SO lets talk vulnerability.
Palmer asks us why teachers live divided, and we say because they are afraid of being vulnerable. (P17) Palmer says that we lose heart because teaching is an exercise in vulnerability. It is reflected of you. Unlike many professions, teaching is always done at the dangerous intersection of personal and public life.
I 100% can relate to this fear of vulnerability. However, not on the subject of teaching. What I’m going to attempt to make sense of is the fear of being vulnerable as a graduate student in the classroom.
I too, have a “teacher within” that speaks to me even when I am in the role of the student. The teacher within tells me to honor the nature of my true self (30) but dang is that hard. In order to listen to that teacher (or student) within, it means that I have to be unapologetically me. Dear lord. Unapologetically Bailey? That’s TERRIFYING. When I think about being unapologetically me in front of new people, at a new school, the thoughts that circle my head go a little something like this:
- What if they don’t like you?
- What if you say something stupid in class?
- What if your vocabulary isn’t “good” enough
- What if, what if what if…..
Kassie said something in class last night that got me thinking…. the quote she mentioned was “Do what you fear and watch it disappear.”
I bet every single one of you can testify to that quote as you are learning how to teach in the classroom. I’m not so lucky, yet! I don’t have any students, so I am avoiding that fear like it is a #lightningboldt. However, the fear that I have experienced this semester is going to be good enough for now! :D
I try to live by the motto of “If you want something different, you’ve got to do something different.” And in this case, I wanted different. I wanted to be confident and brave in my classes and studies.
I am only on campus two days out of the week, I only know where one building is, where one parking lot is, and ZERO people coming into this program. When I began my journey of grad school, I was living disconnected. I was throwing up walls because I was afraid of being hurt, judged, or not wanted. While reading about the consequences of living in the paradox of “either / or”, I realized that THAT is exactly what I was doing as a new student. I was separating my head from my heart, facts from feelings, etc. and it was getting my way of really embracing the struggle of being a new student in a new program. Which by the way, sucks but is also an awesome adventure. I was as Palmer would call it “Disconnected”. Which bloooowwwwws.
Fast forward to today, and I am so proud of how far I have come, and all of the different I have done. I am proud to say that I am living, writing, reading and teaching (even though I’m not a TA) my true, unapologetically me, authentic self. I am taking Palmers advice and “leading with [my] heart and tapping into [my] emotions and spirit, as a whole person. And DAMN, does it feel good.
Fear can mean two things…
Thanks, Palms. ;)
Vulnerability is something that I CONSTANTLY struggle with outside of the classroom, so I am even more closed off. I fear that the students may not understand me, and vulnerability is being open even when no one understand you. Vulnerability has to be my number 1 fear, it is something that I can change but it is going to take some time. It may take some time with you as well, but you can do it!
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your acknowledgement of the fear of vulnerability. There’s an entire new level of experience when you’re a TA—you’ll learn a lot about yourself #fromthefrontdesk. I was privileged enough to experience a critical teaching moment the other morning COMM 2020 Interpersonal. I had been feeling quite “emo” all week, and my Thursday morning class was just the balm I needed for my aching teacher heart.
ReplyDeleteIn the Week 8 Module: Culture and Gender, I facilitated the “Walk the Line” activity. For this exercise, move all the classroom furniture out of the way, and we all line up on one side of the classroom. The directions are:
- Listen carefully to the prompts as they are read
- If something applies to you, walk to the other side of the room, turn to face the side where you started, and walk back
- You don’t need to disclose anything you don’t feel comfortable with people knowing
So I start calling out the prompts and they get progressively…vulnerable. Most of the prompts follow the formula, “if you ___, then walk the line”. At the prompt, “If you are the first person in your family to attend college,”…my voice got shaky; my eyes got teary; my face got jerky; and I very nearly openly wept in front of all of my students out of sheer PRIDE—proud of myself for allowing myself to be so transparently and viscerally vulnerable in a classroom full of students I had "feared" no less than eight weeks ago; proud of my ONE other student who walked tall with me; and so peacock-proud of my class for holding an empathetic space for my unspilled tears.
Later that day, one of the students in my section of COMM 2020 stopped me in the GAB and shared, in a sweet, confidential way, that “my” class was her favorite class. My vulnerability was richly rewarded.
**Correction/Recommended Edit to Original Post**:
I take credit for sharing the quote “Do what you fear and watch it disappear.” I think it was Bear Grylls on Discovery Channel...2012? ;) #pleasedo
Vulnerability is something that sometimes becomes conflicted with professionalism in the classroom. When I first started teaching at the beginning of the semester, I felt as if I should not let my outside issues conflict with my teaching. When I teach, I tend to be in a good mood nearly all the time yet there have been some instances in the last few weeks where personal issues have occurred. As a teacher, I felt as if students may view me as less credible if I seem down or less energetic than usual because I am supposed to also have some level of professionalism within the workplace. Putting on a fake face can lead to an unauthentic pedagogical teaching style and students can pick up on that. I have come to realize that being vulnerable is also being authentic, allowing yourself to become vulnerable can provide students the opportunity to see you as a person in addition to being an instructor.
ReplyDelete