Institutionalized, I keep running back for a visit. #Universe #City - the Wr@p Up

Pic of me describing day 1 vs end of semester

Throughout this semester, I've had the privilege to bless this blog with some of my thoughts and (very) well formed opinions. Themes and topics have included: race, gender, debate, and always have to do with teaching. Let's take a look back at some highlights.

I began my journey on blogging, teaching, and coaching at the beginning of the semester. Much has changed since August/September of this year, and a plethora of educational experiences have transformed me from a bright eyed first semester grad student, to the hardened veteran you see before you now. If there's one thing I've maintained throughout this course, it is my belief that education should have a sustained influence on the way that students think, act or feel. Ken Bain's "What the Best College Teachers Do" was an excellent introduction to pedagogy and has framed how I view education and teaching for the rest of my life. My first blogpost included a discussion of debate and how a point of stasis is essential to debate and dialogue.

Paulo Freire's "Pedagogy of the Oppressed" expands on the idea of dialogue, and concludes it is an essential part of communication and education. Sprague acknowledges this in her work as well, as both of them argue that the educator and student are co-creators of dialogue that construct and de construct their realities. I learned that every student has something to contribute in the classroom, and combining this idea of a point of stasis with dialogue can create the type of transformative educational experience that Bain was describing. Freire's ideas of dialogue coincide with my coaching job because debate is not only a space for competition, but also education and dialogue. Incorporating debate into the classroom can increase student engagement, and thus the likelihood that they absorb the course content.

Some of my blogposts have been more critical of the authors we've read, and not as appreciative. Stanley Fish is one of those authors."Save the World on Your Own Time" is a text that advances a pedagogical practice that is not accessible to minority populations and reduces the role of educators in society. I've come to agree with Dewey when I think about the role of educational institutions in society. They should prepare students to fix the world's problems and create better democratic participants. This would be incompatible with Fish's model of education since conflicting evidence for global warming would posit the climate change discussion as 'political.'

Palmer establishes that teaching is 'heartwork' and should be infused with an ethic of love. I discuss this extensively in my third blogpost concerning the misunderstood student from hell. It is essential that students are convinced that they are capable of contributing to the discipline and classroom discussion. A quote that has stuck out to me from class is that "Discourse does not reflect reality, it creates reality.' After my brain exploded and was pieced back together, I understood the power of language and communication. I understood that many students have not felt that love in the classroom, and until I came to grad school, I do not think that I have either. Turning the bored, passive student into an engaged one isn't easy. But as educators it is important that we do not overlook our shortcomings and allow that student to erode our confidence in teaching. Understanding how power structures affect students of color, for example, in a classroom that has always been white-centered, can produce a better understanding of the student, allowing the teacher to adjust their teaching if necessary.

People of color and whiteness in the classroom has been a consistent theme throughout every blog post. Women of color in particular, has been education's biggest failure. hooks explores that more thoroughly in "Teaching to Transgress," an enjoyable read that discusses how black women have been silenced in the classroom. Critical communication pedagogy can be a mechanism for helping those students find their academic voice, and that academic voice can extend beyond the classroom and create advocates for communities of people.

During the winter break, I have a lot of reflection to do. With the stress of school and finals over (momentarily), the idea of breathing and looking back on what I've learned and how to apply it to myself will prove just as valuable as learning the content in the classroom. I've met some of the smartest people I will ever meet in my life, but as critical and thoughtful as they can be, their lack of self awareness and inability to reflect have hampered their potential. Love, criticism, deconstructing whiteness and debate all combine to form my educational practices, and I see myself returning to many of the blogposts that my colleagues and I have written, in future semesters.

well bye~

What’s up, fellow teens! It’s time for a spoooooOOOooOOoooky Halloween season wrap up post!  I didn’t get to do anything on Halloween because of school so I’m gonna make up for it here!

The semester is winding down, and soon the decompression/reflection process can start in earnest. I was thinking maybe it could start this week, but no such luck - Dr. Treat was asking me recently how the semester was going, and I wasn’t able to think of anything substantive. I’m fried, gang!

This semester I had planned to speak about authenticity, but found it difficult when I realized I have more of a problem speaking inauthentically. I ended up focusing on reaffirmation - how the stress of the semester made me question why I was here - turns out that was the wrong question to ask! I know why I’m here - I want to be here. All I needed to do was think about my two years out of school and how dead I felt on the regular to figure that out. The real question was how to I continue the re-membering process - re-membering how i felt as a student so I could empathize as a teacher, re-membering the sublime feeling of a good performance or speech or class discussion (and how much work is necessary to achieve that feeling), re-membering how people can always surprise you with generosity and kindness when it so often seems that everyone is out to screw each other over.

I’d like to thank hooks for her words on respecting pain, fish for being my whipping boy, fassett & warren for writing that melts my brain, and just the most kind, generous, funny group of fellow TAs I could ask for.

It’s been a toughy! Wow, what a tough one, huh?! Kind of a haunted one! Still have some more work to do before things are done, I’ll do better next semester. Got a whole list of tips and tricks under my sleeve (and written down in google drive) now. Nap time’s on the 19th, and I plan to be ready.

Welp, that's a WRAP (HAHAHA #HELPme)

This is my last post for the semester, and WOW, can you believe we made it? Well, you shouldn't, because we haven't made it yet! I'm stressed to my eyeballs, so let's see where this goes. Honestly, I'm glad this semester is over! Like Amanda already mentioned, I was told the first semester was the hardest. Boy, the system lied to me. Aside from a stressful workload from classes I taught and took, I collected data across our department to see how much we were actually working. SPOILER ALERT: It's a lot! Anywho, I just want to girl up in the fetal position with a bottle of bourbon. Instead, I'm going to recap a few of my posts, and tell you where I am in life. 

My first post was related to Palmer's idea of "teaching who you are." I wanted to relate how badly things were going with my students in a few classes based on my own identity. They just didn't like me, so I questioned if teaching who I was actually helped the situation. My second post, tying to hooks, really showed a breakthrough with my student from Hell. The dialogue just wasn't there with my students, and I was stressing out over stuff that was pretty simple. Although that situation didn't turn out perfectly, at least I tried to exchange some sort of dialogue during the process.

My third post was, for once, optimistic because my media arts students got shine during the Peer Teach assignments. They made several creative videos, and I was just proud of them. Of course, I tied in critical pedagogy within the post because I felt activities associated with some form of media were pivotal to their learning. A few more of these ideas showed up in my next post with Cotton the Clown. I talked about the power of dialogue in the classroom, and tied in Bell and Golobisky's penny exercise as a use of policing conversation. Of course, I talked about jokes because I'm funny (right? RIGHT?). 

Finally, my last post was split into two sections on teaching hegemony within my classroom. The first post related hooks and empowerment while I was trying to prep for the class. I was a bit nervous about the results because I always am. The second post was more of a post instruction highlight, and related agency within my activity of the privilege walk. I thought it was pretty creative. Funny and clever? How am I single? 

Speaking of relationships, I feel like I've grown as an instructor (not so much as a student). I dealt with a lot this semester, and my students did as well. I think that last sentence kind of sums up how my teaching journey went this semester. I was putting myself first and constantly thinking, "You're so unlucky and alone" without thinking about what my students might be going through. I honestly forgot what I did correctly my first semester, and it showed. Once again, I'm glad this semester is over, but I am also grateful for these experiences. I have to lift myself up and realize next semester will be better. If not, I'll ask the same question every idiot in a movie asks: What's the worst that can happen? On a final note, I appreciate all of your posts, and I love all you honey bunches of oats.

First down...hut hut

After surviving the first semester of grad school, I'd like to say something energizing and exciting, but all my knee jerk reaction is saying is AMEN.  We survived, and I could not have done it without my incredible support system and team.  Thank you all!

I know this "game" of grad school and teaching can be exhausting, because lets be real, my brain has been working out!  So many words and so much work, but through it all, I can still say, I am in it to win it.

I have learned so much throughout the semester and I am excited to take these experiences with me.  In my own classes I learned that I am capable of more than I imagined, and in my teachings I learned how to be ME.

I have learned to be myself in the classroom and be confident in my imperfect self - through this I have grown to be confident with my experience (or lack thereof); most importantly, I learned to be happier with myself!  I also learned, so what if I have a heart, and yes maybe I wear it on my sleeve; Palmer would agree with me, teaching with authenticity is the only true way to teach!

Lastly, I learned to speak up and bring real world problems into my classroom, because my classroom is an example of the just that!  Fassett and Warren (2007) stated “the world of the classroom is not a false world, but rather a microcosm of all the worlds we know, intersecting and interlocking in metonymic relationship to one another” (p. 62).

Yes, I made reference to football in this blog, but all puns aside, our classroom is not a game of life, it is life! (#ballislife. Sorry I had to, hah).  All seriousness, as teachers we are influencing lives in our classroom and my hope is that I can help students recognize their impacts on real world, then take the lessons learned and apply it into their daily lives.

Enjoy your time out and recharge time people, because we have work to do when we get back!

#heartwork

All #thefeels

I started the blog post assignment a bit late in the game, because honestly acknowledging this good girl’s fears, failures, insecurities and even successes was scary. Having to write them down for the world to see was TERRIFYING. So, I put it off as long as I could. 

The common themes of fear and uncertainty appear throughout my posts. With each reading, class discussion, and subsequent blog post my doubt lessened. I went from worried about being questioned, rejected, and read as an underqualified teacher to uncertain how to best teach from my experiences. My worries have grown to be more complex, while at the same time easing many of the worries that made teaching scary in the beginning.

I chose #thefeels as my hashtag to represent my goal of being in tune with the emotions of my students and to show empathy. However, my hashtag has evolved to symbolize much more. #thefeels represents being in touch with my own feelings. #thefeels means entering the classroom wholly. #thefeels embodies being authentic, not diagnosing my students, a willingness to be vulnerable, not dismissing opposing ideals, and to be present.

Through Palmer I became more accepting and understanding of my student from hell. hooks empowered me to entering the classroom wholly and to allow for vulnerability. Fassett and Warren reminded me everyone deserves a chance to be heard without judgement. Bell and Golombisky helped me realize my soft spot for good girls like myself. Each of the authors we read in one way or another influenced and will forever be apart my pedogeological foundations. Just as each of the discussions in class (and in the TA space) has shaped my pedagogy and changed my feelings of uncertainty to feelings of curiosity. I am curious to see what the future holds, what ways my pedagogy serves me in the classroom, and what ways I grow as an instructor. #thefeels

Wrap It Up #punintended #sorryforbeinginappropriate

Here is my final grad school meme for the blog.  Overall I'd say this blog was very helpful in relieving stress, sharing ideas, listening to my colleagues stories, and also getting to know y'all better.  Gross warning: I am appreciative of all the time and effort y'all have given and I really value the posts and comments. Now let's talk about this past semester... This one has been a hard one.  I was told that last semester (Spring 2016) was supposed to be my hardest semester because I took the three most extensive classes.  That was a funny joke because thus far, this semester has been my hardest.  Between being on campus 7 days a week, adjusting to being a 3010 TA, and having an existential crisis about my fem crit paper (and life), I have definitely had the semester from hell.  I am thankful for the experiences however I am SO GLAD this semester is over.

In my first blog, I discussed the student from hell.  I shared my story about my student who was acting weird in class and eventually was banned from campus.  In retrospect this is something that will stick with me for a long time.  I did not think it would, however to this day (the last day of 1010 classes for me) I was still afraid and unsure if the student would show up again.  Overall, I am thankful for the safety of my students and myself, however I hope that an incident like that never happens again.  I tied in Palmer (2007) and his teachings to my experience which even applied in the final paper that's due in t-minus 14 minutes.

In my second blog, I focused my topic on fear within the classroom.  Again, my student from hell experience tied into what I was talking about but I also realize that I overcame my fear.  I talked about my fear of losing the safe space within my classroom because of my student from hell.  I am proud to say I overcame that.  I went into my final lectures (performance and language, culture, and power) with some anxiety about how the classroom dynamic would be.  My students put my fears to rest as we talked about some social issues and charged conversations with no interruptions, no hesitation, and best of all no fear of safety.

In my third blog, I talked about motivation.  Honestly this wrap-up post keeps getting more and more funny as I reflect on what I wrote and how I feel right now.  It's the end of the semester and my motivation is gone.  At this point I am getting my final grades and final paper stuff turned in and then crawling to the next thing that is due.  I talked about our trip to NCA and how refreshing it was.  When I look back at the semester I realize (just like last semester) that I needed to manage my time better.  I'll try again next semester.

In my fourth blog, I talked about my experience within my two 1010 classes when one class was on top of their group presentations and did an amazing job, and the other class did not "understand" the directions.  Overall the point of my blog that week was to highlight the differences within my classes and to remind myself (and others) that each class has different personalities so even though you might give both classes the same information, it is going to get interpreted differently.

In my fifth and final blog, I discussed race.  I focused on this topic because of the language, culture, and power lecture that was coming up.  Overall I am really happy with the way things went this semester compared to last semester.  I structured my performance lecture differently which ended up situating the conversation to flow into the language, culture, and power lesson.  I am definitely making mental notes of how I will carry these positive teaching moments into the next semester.

All in all, even though it took me a few weeks to get started on this blog, I am happy that this was an assignment.  It was a fun, creative way to synthesize the readings as we went along and then compare them to our own experiences.  It was also super beneficial to me to read what my peers wrote and learn from their experiences as well. WE ARE DONE:) (besides Eastside coming up on Tuesday)


#youdoyou

Wrap Up… Wrap on...

When faced with blog wrap up I realize that looking back on what we have done over the semester provides me with so many tools to use going forward.  Much like the any thing in life, I know I will look back on pedagogy (and all of the reading and writing) with fondness when I look back.  "Awe… remember when I cried because I did not understand the difference between communication education and instructional communication?  Awe… such a great time."  But that's not now.  It's too soon.

Today, I look back on reading, discussing, teaching and teaching, discussing, reading and how much I have to learn still and all of the work I have to do.  My takeaway from the semester can be summed up with one word: community.

The community in the TA space provides comfort, information, advice, listening, and love, which is what this graduate student needs.  Without the other TA's I am quite sure I would have felt like I was drowning.  The sense of community provided a lifeline to a rookie trying to find her way.  For that, thank you.

Community is applicable to my pedagogical life as well.  The overarching theme is that each individual needs to be recognized and through doing so, a dialogical community will follow.  Therefore it is imperative to acknowledge each participant through their identity, culture, and agency.

Early in the semester I blogged over fear that we all feel when entering the classroom.  The fear that I experienced at the beginning of the semester has dissipated as my knowledge and experience has grown.  Through participation in our discussions in class I have witnessed my students' fear dissipate as well.  My favorite quote from the semester is hooks, "I will not ask you to do something I will not do myself."

So, while we are all writing our wrap ups, I realize that we are not done.  There is still work be done.  Agencies to acknowledge.  Cultures to discover.  Power to be shared.  So, rather than wrap up, I say, wrap on….

#trysomethingnew

/\/\/\/\/\/

What's up, fellow teens!

It was Language/Culture/Power/Hegemony day in COMM 1010 today, and it went about as well as I expected. There were some good conversations had, more than a few nods of understanding and/or solidarity, and a couple weird comments I had to press or redirect.

I put most of my focus on the "invisible," those pervasive concepts that often tend to go without discussion outside of certain critical academic cultures - hegemony, ethnocentrism, etc. Putting words to these sneaky forces and seeing my students' eyes light up as they start to see powerful systems they've always felt but never interrogated was one of the most rewarding experiences of my teaching career thus far.



Chapter 11 from the readings last week focused on the report of a problematic joke becoming an excellent tool for students to interrogate their identity in relation to others, and today I was able to see similar results in my classroom thanks to the privilege walk activity. Some students spoke only of their own positions at the end of the activity without relating those positions to their classmates' - I figured I had my work cut out for me, but every single time that happened other students took that work on themselves to great effect. One of my classes dove into a wonderful discussion (with minimal input from me) about what types of questions would shape the results of the privilege walk differently. We were all seeing generous and critical sides of ourselves and each other that had not yet surfaced in class.

I was so worried about one of my sections - the day after I told my Pedagogy class how confident I was tackling these topics, a few students in the section revealed some things about themselves that gave me anxiety about the coming week. I was worried more about myself and my reactions than any of them. They proved however, to me and to each other, that open minds and calm discussion can prevail even when viewpoints differ.

As I reiterate to my classes fairly regularly, we're never showing our full self at any given time - though it may be hard at times to keep believing that there's a little good in everybody, today I found it hard to deny.

okay i'm really tired bye

Teaching Hegemony Part 2/2

Ultimately, everything went very well. My media arts class seemed to understand the concepts, and thought reflectively of where they stood in the privilege walk (I was totally right, they were all clumped together at the front of the room. This did ask another important question, though. One of my students, who is black, made the comment that he expected to be at the front of the class, but was surprised to be in the middle with a few others. Apparently, his family basically owns an entire town in Arkansas. He came to the conclusion that the list of questions I asked focused more on race than socioeconomic status. I wanted him to know that in no way did I mean for him to feel singled out, and we had a great conversation about how there are several layers of privileges that put us all across the spectrum. I will most likely change the questions next semester, and add a few statistics in there so each question has some backing. And based on my student's suggestion, I'll probably include a few more questions related to socioeconomic status. 

I wanted to briefly mention this concept of agency that I learned from chapter 11 last week. Cooks argued the importance of discussing the relationship between discourse and being aware of how problems as well as solutions directed towards agents and targets. In class we mentioned understanding the importance of agency, especially in terms of interracial interaction. In this specific instance, my student went on to tell me that he has never felt like he's been oppressed, and he thought his higher socioeconomic status had something to do with these feelings. He felt like the privilege walk, although lacking depth in some questions, was a great way for him to come to the conclusion of understanding many privileges within our society. Overall, I'm pleased with how everything went!

Teaching Hegemony Part 1/2

This was my face prepping my hegemony lecture for my media arts class full of mostly white people. Not only that, most of them are upper middle class and have not responded to much of my instruction. I think back to how bell hooks argued for empowering marginalized groups through the use of critical communication, but what do you do when your classroom is full of privilege? Furthermore, how do you teach them about subjects such as hegemony that recognize the privilege in the room? I'm not saying I anticipated my class getting hostile, but I thought they might shut down. 

SO, I took a different approach. I started thinking of something else hooks mentioned.

 "In regards to pedagogical practices we must intervene to alter the existing pedagogical structure and to teach students how to listen, how to hear one another." I started gearing the lesson more towards recognizing one's own privilege and focusing on the listening part. I still planned to do the privilege walk, because I figured most of them would all be in the same spot. Granted, I have wonderful students in there, but I still pictured them shutting down because they couldn't relate to the material. Even if they remotely understand their positionalities, I would be happy. 

Ultimately, I was nervous about planning the entire thing, but I value what we do as comm teachers because we're addressing things like hegemony. We have a chance to teaching a class full of white media arts majors about power structures that exist within our society, or at least to understand where they stand. 

IT'S THE LAST WEEK OF LECTURE:)

This is an accurate depiction of how I feel because it's the end of the semester and I felt like y'all could relate to this.  Anyways, this week coming up is a big week in 1010 because we're discussing language, culture, and power.  This topic area always sparks very good conversation but it sometimes is a very difficult topic to navigate.
Scholars, (Cooks & Simpson, 2007) stated, "My primary learning objective for today's class is to center race as a topic with which we will all struggle for several class sessions.  We will spend the entire fifty minutes focused on race, which will be a first for many students" (p.249). This quote really stuck out to me because it is a reminder to me.  A reminder that for a lot of students, this will be the first conversation that some of them will be having about race.  This reminder also scares me because I forget that some students are new to this topic area.  I want to educate them however I do not want to make my students uncomfortable.  Another concern I also have is sounding like I am on a soap box or portraying my narrative as a "well I have white parents so it's okay for me to say this" type of conversation.    Last semester, my conversations in class were vastly different from one another.  It was my first semester so I felt very nervous about having these conversations.  In one class, I had a bunch of minority students who shared their opinions and narratives with the class and another where none of my minority students spoke up.  It was hard for me because I wanted to encourage the rest of the class to share however I also did not want to call anyone out.  I facilitated the conversation to move throughout different social issues that were happening today however I struggled with getting other class members to participate.  This semester I am taking what I've learned and using it to better facilitate class and really get the discussion going.  This topic area is my personal favorite because I love sharing my narrative and hearing my students narratives as well.  Overall, I hope to facilitate a good discussion that gets my students thinking more critically.


#youdoyou

#HappyHappyJoyJoy

ENTHUSIASM!!!

Y'all, the semester is almost over (bless). There have been a combination of feelings regarding teaching and learning and helping direct a show (where I'm backstage typing up this blog right now) that look a little something like this:

All of the blogs this semester have helped me realize all of the different experiences while teaching and being in grad school and I'm so grateful that all of you shared a part of yourselves in this blog (yeah, yeah, #heartwork or whatever). So let's wrap this puppy up in a pretty bow:

In my first blog, I was so young, so naïve. However, the idea of enthusiasm still stands strong in so many of the works we read. Barkley (2010) stated that enthusiasm helps to make content interesting and accessible to students. Especially in our 1010 classes, enthusiastically giving information to students who normally would not take our COMM classes is vital. 

Freire's (1972) work on oppression also blew my mind to the possibilities of all the struggles students face not only in college but in their lives. These students face so many situations that I could never imagine in my life, and using enthusiasm, we can give our students a voice and way to speak about their oppression.

Now, Fish (2008) challenged me a little bit. I did not like his work because I feel like my job is more than just being a beacon of information, but being a resource to my students. Fish wasn't very enthusiastic, but I challenge everyone to encourage their students to be the best humans they can be (if they choose to do so).

Palmer (2007) has a lot of feelings, and although I don't, being authentically enthusiastic is really important. Palmer did teach me to be less judgmental. I cannot link someone's worth to the grades they receive, and I must remember that. We can all use some enthusiasm to help grow our hearts (like the Grinch or something).

Finally, my last blog discussed Communication Apprehension (CA) as it relates to teacher enthusiasm (McCroskey, 1970). Again, this connects to Palmer (2007) because I cannot judge the students who choose to not do presentations because of nerves, however I can do my damnedest to encourage my students that they are worth their smart words.

So I guess all of this is to say that I have some feelings. I want my students to do well and to be confident in what they have to say. I think that enthusiasm creates an amazing relationship with my students - they know that the rules in my class do not only apply to the classroom, but to real life. Be #happy, have #joy, and radiate that in your classrooms. It helps your students be awesome.

#happyhappyjoyjoy?

#pedayogi

 

I'm looking back on my first post of the semester, when I was confronting overwhelming expectations for failure. Looking back, it was not so different than the present moment. Here I am, in my bed next to an empty box of pizza- yes I ate an entire large pizza in one sitting. Words, which are usually pretty forthcoming, are baaaacked up. There are so many tasks to complete, and while this post could wait, surrendering completely to my lack of motivation (or working on second of Feminist Criticism... or with Rhett on our Org. Comm group project) is frightening.

My second post shared my favorite chakra, anahata. I am not feeling hurt, or broken... yet, but I do feel stuck. I feel oppressed by my workload, and even more oppressed by my own judgement of the work I am drudging through. I don't trust myself to produce anything with spark, because I feel out of balance in so many ways. Meaning is hallow when the glow of my monitor is more familiar than other people's faces.

My third post embraced self-expression. Yeah, check back in a week. The thing I look forward to most is discussing hegemony with my 1010 Classes. I'm not sure if the penny activity is refreshing by comparison to listening to my own words all day, or if I have really experienced a profound shift in self-description. I'm hoping for the best in myself and my students, and I imagine most of my misgivings will be met with relief.

Last week I dedicated more time than I should have to family, the theme of my fourth and fifth posts. Engaging with my past and communal responsibilities required an unusual yielding of control for this overstriver, but at least my more recent performances have been motivated by something other than fear and self-preservation. I can confidently say that feminist and critical pedagogy renewed the world around me. While some things that once defined me slip away, I find more hope in others than I expected. I'm still not convinced that my voice is worth all of the effort the next week will require, but I'm satisfied by the transformation of my heart, and I hope that it makes a difference.

Whoa Angela, you’re speaking to my soul!

As I read Chapter 2, I found myself a little bored until I got to the short blurbs on cultural standpoints of the instructors sharing their classroom experiences. As I read Tammy’s blurb I perked up and became invested in what I was reading, truly curious. Then I got to Angela’s cultural standpoint blurb and thought “hey they’re like me!”  (Well except for I am not in my thirties and I am biracial). It felt good to see myself in the content and know that I am not the only one who has be conditioned to code-switch when entering academic settings due to my upbringing in prominently white schools. Nor am I the only one who often has to disclose their racial makeup or face the horrible question of “What are you?” (human, the answer is always a human -___-).

Angela’s explanation for why some minority students do not want to discuss whiteness and racial inequalities due to the pressure of having to be a “representative” and that discussing points to their otherness when most just want to blend in, belong. Reminded me that not every minority is as open and ready to discuss whiteness as I am. Not every minority is willing to act as a representative and give classmates a peak into the struggles of being marginalized. Additionally, some minorities do not even recognize the oppressive spaces they enter each day. For myself, I never named being the only racial minority in a classroom as oppressive and never gave two thoughts to being passed over when I raised my hand. Never did I think being told I should look in to community college instead of wasting time applying for scholarships by my high school counselor could be a result of my position as a minority. I knew no different! I had always been the only or one of a few minorities in the room. So I knew no better and had no name for the feelings of not belonging.

It took me a while and many communication courses to realize my own marginality and become comfortable discussing them. I was finally #wokeaf.  I must keep this in mind next week as my classes discuss language, culture, and power. Additionally, reading each of the instructors’ experiences and after thoughts. I feel more prepared for the upcoming discussions in 1010. I feel as if I am ready for those of my students who may feel attacked as well as those who may be looking for me to validate their position as anti-racist. Since I have an idea of the ways the conversations may go, I find myself preparing and practicing scripts. I feel like my own stories and the safe space I have been working on all semester will foster a good discussion and maybe even help a few of my students check their own privilege. 

Cotton the Clown

Howdy kids,

If you can't tell, I've already gone insane! The semester is almost over, and let me tell you, this old class clown is on his last leg. I think last week's readings gave the bit of guidance I've been needing in that dusty old space we call a classroom. In fact, Kahl's reading was probably the most helpful when it came to a step by step process of how to use critical pedagogy. Heck, I often wonder why my students even listen to a painted up jokster like me, but then I remember, it's because power relations also exist within the classroom. No matter how we engage our students, as long as we are welcoming them to the conversation and making them think critically, then we're doing our jobs and using our power wisely. TARNATION!
As you all know, this ain't my first rodeo. But even I have trouble with engaging my students and getting them to speak up in my classroom. How do I make you get what I'm teaching, son? Do I have to do a dance? Shoot, I'll sing a song if I gotta. But we all know that won't always do the trick. Bell and Golombisky have their penny exercise that obviously gets people talking and also thinking about how they respond. I used make students tell me their favorite joke at the beginning of the school year, and this would always loosen them up, but also welcome others to laugh. Sure, it didn't always go well because not everyone knows a good joke. I just wanted to break the silence, make people laugh, and let them know it's okay to speak. How do you make your students think? More importantly, how do you welcome their voice. How do you break the silence, even if it is just a chuckle?

blublbublub

11/25

What’s up, fellow teens!

It has been a tough few weeks for your dude. I would spare you the details, so I will.

I thought about quitting last week. Briefly, and half-heartedly, but I did. I couldn’t think; couldn’t focus on all the work I had left to do, much of which was already past due. Keeping up with this blog has been a casualty of my inability to do good brain. Brain won’t go right,! I needed a break. I took a self-care weekend, but that didn’t help; only put me deeper in the work hole. No one needs a vacation more than the person who just had one.

It’s a quiet depression now, I can laugh and hang, but i can recognize the depression because I’ve been here before. I am finding it increasingly difficult to care about scholarly pursuits. “Self-care” is becoming a prison of aimlessness, where the urge to escape the constantly shifting landscape of my own (and my students’) education into activities and mindsets that are more comforting but far less productive.

“Missing the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is missing an opportunity to escape … to leave the demands of scholarly obligation and find refuge in wonder.” (Fassett and Warren, 2007)

The introduction to Critical Communication Pedagogy seemed to speak to me in particular; it was exactly what I needed at the time. The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is my nap time; my artsy video game; my umpteenth re-watch of The Fifth Element. It is comfort, and it is loneliness. Fassett and/or Warren didn’t go into the Music Zone, and I have to make my choice whether to sink back into the zones that keep me comfortable and docile.

“To go to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and stand in the illusion we had created was to neglect our own commitments … Choosing the lullaby, a space of illusory comfort and peace, was never going to bring us a sense of real community”  (Fassett and Warren, 2007)

I’m so tired. It’s a tough pill to swallow. I’m so tired. The next two weeks are a mountain.

So it seems that both my blogs so far have been about reaffirmation, attempting to remind myself why I’m here. Getting back into school after over two years away has already been trying. I’m still at the beginning stages of the healing process. Ask me at the end of the semester and, depending on how things go, I may be able to tell you again with a heartfelt tone that I’m where I need to be.

Black Friday

All these performances pose dilemmas that require different pedagogical strategies intervention, inclusion and celebration, deconstruction. and transformation: how to speak the feminine but not femininity, engage race without being racist, claim yet qualify women's work, transform without silencing. (Bell & Golombisky, pp. 323)

I remember interviewing Justin Trudeau for 5080 last semester; I probed him about the concept of performance as understood by our department. He gave an explanation that has worked before, but my eyes glazed over. References to gender just made this a more perplexing struggle over meaning.

My boyfriend Drew came home with me for Thanksgiving this year. My stepmother inconspicuously woke us up this morning with the banging of pots and pans (The kitchen was spotless last night before bed). After two days... I can't (we have a hotel booked for the next two nights), so we held out- scanning Facebook. Drew paused my scrolling on Black Friday, a Steely Dan single.

"This was posted by Johny W. You met him yesterday."
He laughed, "Everyone looks the same here. The same height, the same clothes..."

He's not wrong.

There aren't a ton of scripts to choose from, and it's not for lack of imagination. I can dig performance as a statement or art form, but in Springfield performance is better conceptualized as "the action or process of carrying out or accomplishing an action, task, or function"(google)... like a Ford Commercial. We want the upper middle material possessions, happy families, and trips to church every Sunday. If we need a new deck, we learn to build one. If we aren't getting along, we book a hotel. We have an extra cup of coffee some Sunday mornings. 

In a restrictive pedagogical atmosphere, cultural practices and student struggles over meaning do not intersect. The common problem of stifled consciousness or uncritical exploration of everyday discourses is the epicenter of restrictive pedagogy. (Hendrix, Jackson & Warren, pp. 182)

What is difficult to confront, is that this way of life benefits from restrictive pedagogy. You are given a task, and you figure it out. You CAN, you may just have to work harder, or be smarter, kinder, more common... It is not that inequalities don't exist, but thinking about them is too painful. Anger is consuming, and performance evaluations take conditions into account, at least that's what the Bible says... sometimes.

Another word I'm not sure of is double-bind, but I think that this is what's happening here. You are too busy responding to inequity to be bothered to intervene. We accept the hand we are dealt because it could be worse, our meanings and values do resemble dominant ones, and when we do succeed we get to bask in the glow of ego and false charity (Freire, 1970). When we don't, we obediently scapegoat our mechanical defects. Confidence stifled. Mission accomplished patriarchy.  
 

It is precisely an individual’s experience in tandem with the human capacity to coproduce one’s environment that complicates and ignites the possibilities for a critical progressive pedagogy. (Hendrix, Jackson & Warren, pp. 181)

One cool thing about performance, art or science, is it's ability to create some distance. The human capacity to create is something we share, and this makes our differences and weaknesses more accessible to critique... and hope. It makes since now why performance comes before power and hegemony in our 1010 schedule, and I'm excited to give it a try. I think this could be especially helpful in my class from hell. You've never seen so many good(and smart) girls.

Norman Rockwell's "Girl at the Mirror" 1954