Time management, boundaries, & Freire versus Fish

Here we are... Week 8.

Eight weeks into the semester... Halfway through Fall of 2020... Here I am, still feeling as though I haven’t found my footing.

(Image description: A bedroom is shown as a rectangular prism. Depicted in back and gray are a bed, a rug, a plant, a door, and an individual sitting in a chair. Depicted in blue is water that fills up the bottom of the room and covers the bed, the rug, half of the plant, half of door, and most of the individual sitting in the chair.)

Time management is not my strongest skill (to put it gently), but I know that time management is paramount to getting things done while NOT losing a handle on everything else. As an undergrad and as a first-semester grad student, I planned, I scheduled, I color-coordinated, I over-planned, I broke large projects into smaller chunks, I set measurable goals, I gave myself personal deadlines...

This semester? I’ve struggled. I’ve managed to keep my head above water on most days, only ever being able to work a day or two ahead. I’ve hardly felt effective, productive, or generally satisfied with the work I produce (for my grad classes or my TA classes). Needless to say, it’s exhausting to feel disappointed in your work. It’s frustrating to continuously question your capabilities. It’s discouraging when you vow to do better, try harder, work smarter, figure SOMETHING out, only to find yourself gasping for air in a panic as the water level reaches your chin yet again.

That is not to say that I haven’t had good days. I have. That isn’t to say that I haven’t taken time away from my desk. Of course I have! You have to take time to attend to yourself as a person. Typically, though, I only take time to attend to myself when I’m at my absolute limit. 

I haven’t struck a balance between school/work responsibilities and the personal responsibilities of attending to mental health, reaching out to family or friends, cooking, cleaning, exercising (what’s that?), and breathing. 

Each week I make a resolve to make a plan and stick with it. Each week, a wrench of one form or another is thrown into the process and I take the easy way out: I let myself become frustrated with the process, frustrated with the situation, frustrated with "how I am." 

It's so easy (for me) to be a defeatist, to resolve oneself to being insufficient, or to scoff at the often-toxic positivity that is thrown around with the best of intentions.

I recognize that I, Rebecca, have always grappled with boundaries: I say yes when I want to say no, I sacrifice my own needs to stress over other's, and I brush off the resulting expenditure of my limited mental/emotional energy.

Perhaps this is why I found myself somehow agreeing with a particular idea in Stanley Fish's Save The World On Your Own Time. For the uninitiated, Fish's argument is that you should only do your job, don't do anyone else's job, and don't let others do your job. Fish states that, “both the coherence and value of a task depend on its being distinctive,” (p. 168) and thus, the value of being a teacher is dependent on a distinct delineation of a teacher's obligations or responsibilities. By clearly determining what tasks for which you are responsible, you can easily determine the tasks for which you are not responsible and avoid using your time on tasks that are not within your role as teacher.

Of course, the list of Fish's EXTREMELY problematic and HIGHLY unrealistic views of pedagogy and education is somehow longer than my weekly to-do list. I do not have the time nor space in this blog post to discuss his opposition to education that aims to create engaged advocates, participants in democracy, or empathetic, critical thinkers. His views are in direct opposition with those of critical studies figures and his ideological commitments are in direct opposition with my own. Fish's educational philosophy starkly contrasts the educational philosophy of Paulo Freire, whose Pedagogy of the Oppressed has ranked #1 on my list of pedagogical readings so far. 

While I strongly disagree with Fish's delineation of the obligations or responsibilities of a college teacher as well as the goals of education, I found myself tempted to buy into the practice of drawing hard lines and creating easy dichotomies. Perhaps, I thought, if I could just make a clear list of what tasks I must attend to as a teacher and what tasks I mustn't touch, then I could more easily manage my time and energy.

Of course, this is easier said than done. Part of Fish's argument is that the line is hard to draw unless you make the drawing of the line easy (read: embrace the role of oppressor / pre-ordained knowledge transmitter and follow the banking model of education). 

It's easy to say, "As a teacher, I must be mindful of my hierarchal position in the classroom and attempt to enable students to combat their oppression in respectful, effective ways." This is much more difficult in practice. How can I feel as though I'm not sacrificing my ideological commitments when I must instruct students that there are objective, concrete, correct ways to use commas and ONLY those uses of commas make for True Good Writing™? I certainly can't tell a group of 3010 students (whose course objective is to learn how to write in the appropriate, scholarly, APA style) my thoughts on the ways in which the English language serves to reinforce and perpetuate ideas of colonization, patriarchy, racism, sexism, ablism, and straight-up oppression. 

I find myself doing mental gymnastics to justify: Okay, so if the students can ever investigate the oppression of the English language and 'proper' sentence structure, they must start with an idea of what the 'proper' sentence structure is and why we are all urged to follow it. The students can effectively deconstruct the form once they know the form and its limitations... But... But I can't articulate all of this to them. We have such limited time! They need to know the requirements for the reference page. I still have to grade their papers from last week! I have to deduct points from their grade for uses of anthropomorphic language... Can I somehow explain that this rule only exists for the purpose of this class? After a semester of hammering anthropomorphic language out of their writing, will they later understand that objects and things can perform verbs because the symbolic has material effect? No, no, not now, not now... These issues are important but that is not my current job...right? My current job is to assist in the teaching of "how to follow writing rules and APA standards in order to synthesis disparate ideas and familiarize oneself with peer-reviewed journals centered around a communicative concept or theory." Someone else will do the important critical work... right?

Then, the clock shows a later hour and I have not made any progress toward grading their papers, creating the powerpoint for tomorrow's recitation meeting, or reading for my grad classes. Considerations of Freire versus Fish, my obligations versus my prohibitions, and co-intentional education versus banking-model education are IMPORTANT considerations. However, they do not always allow me to manage my time in the most effective way possible.

I now conclude this rambling blog post as I concluded my weekly Pedagogy discussion questions on Stanley Fish:

I feel as though I am left with two options: I could compartmentalize, delineate, and simplify the role or I could reject easy dichotomies, de-categorize meaning, maintain my own values in all areas of my life, and grapple. Grappling with content, with pedagogy, with boundaries and commitments... grappling with myself and with others in the pursuit of co-constructed knowledge seems, to me, a far better use of my time.

 

At the end of another week, I sit down with the intention of filling out my planner, setting personal deadlines, and creating attainable goals. I try to reconcile my limited abilities within the resources I currently have and the deeply personal, political, critical reasons that have lead me to even consider serving as a TA. Again, I list my action items:

1. This weekend: Complete all reading/preparation for my grad classes
2. Sunday: Complete grading as necessary in order to stay up-to-date with grades
3. This week: Maintain boundaries with the amount of time I will dedicate to each TA class
4. This week: Maintain boundaries of when I will respond to student emails
5. This week: Build personal time AND buffer time into my schedule to ensure I don't burn out or break down
6. This semester: Continue to grapple. Continue to breathe.

References:
Freire, P. (1970). Pedagogy of the oppressed. Bloomsbury

Fish, S. (2008). Save the world on your own time. Oxford University Press

@elif-demir (n.d.) Animation drowning gif [.gif image]. Retrieved from https://giphy.com/gifs/room-aquarium-drowning-tHVI8Za6XdG69KnAGZ

Break the bank: Not all change makes cents

Let us all reach our jackpot! To work towards our journey of achieving our Master’s degree. All the work coincides with Friere's problem-posing model of education. Friere deems that the banking model of education is an "act of depositing, in which the students are the depositories, and the teacher is the depositor" (Freire, 72). An act that we must all learn to change. The question then arises: How do we break out of the conventional mode of education in which teachers give information that students take in, memorize, and regurgitate? We learn how to break the bank, of course.

Break the bank. Entering UNT as a graduate student had contrast with my experience as an undergrad at UNT. Same school. Different learning atmosphere. Classes shifted from more lecture formats to discussion-based. As an introvert, the experiences challenged my comfort in participating in discussions. I felt uncertain speaking during my classes even when I knew the information because I feared being wrong. I also became hesitant to ask about my levels of confusion because I did not want to appear incompetent or unprepared for not understanding. I questioned my previous abilities to succeed, still attempting to put my best foot forward to participate. My mentor and professors reminded me that all my feelings were valid, and my experiences aligned as expected with all the change. 

The shift from undergrad to grad school felt beyond me. I was uncomfortable (I remain uncomfortable), yet uncomfortability is growth, as they say! Throw Zoom on top of it, and wow! We have even more change. 

One realization in grad school: Not all change makes sense (cents). Change can also make bills. And bills can make our jackpot.

Jackpot. To hit the jackpot of securing our education. As a first-semester TA in the online teaching experience, I find myself reassuring my students that "We are all in this together," navigating through the realms of online education. To promote acts of co-intentional learning, where both my students and I actively participate in the creation of knowledge and finding our way through. I could see the uncertainties and emotions my students expressed to me about online learning, and I found myself telling them everything I wanted to hear and heard from my professors. The endless loop of learning how to listen to the advice I received and gave to others. What a concept.

The beauty lies in the journey to the end goal. And right now, we are all on the #journeyofuncertainty. And guess what? That is ok. On the path to everything I have ever wanted, and right now, many tasks all feel at stake. The acts all remind me of the song in High School Musical 2 called "Bet On It." 

The main male lead Troy Bolton, played by one of my favorite actors, Zac Efron, sings through a mental breakdown about counting on yourself and learning how to reach everything you ever want even through the many obstacles that can get in the way. One of the lines in the chorus that really relates includes: "I'm not gonna stop, that's who I am. I'll give it all I got, that is my plan. When I find what I lost. You know you can. Bet on it, bet on it. Bet on it, bet on it (Bet on me)."

One tip to myself: It is ok, to not be ok.

Baby steps on the road to flourish amidst all the change. To come out with more than we could ever expect. To break the bank. Any tips, my friends? #journeyofuncertainty

Citation:

DisneyMusicVEVO. (2019, September 12). Troy - Bet On It (From “High School Musical 2”) [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k-t4vqd534Y

Blog Post 1: Learning to Fully Trust the Process: Week 7 Fears, Doubts, Worries, and Grace

 

        

You are probably wondering why I waited until Week 7 of 15 to start my journey with you. Well, truthfully, it is because as both a teacher and a student, I have had to truly learn about #TrustingTheProcess. #TrustingTheProcess, while it may seem easy, is not always as easy as it may seem.  Sometimes, it is easier said than done. First, I want to talk about how as a teacher, I navigate trusting the process, especially in a virtual environment.

              I don’t think I ever imagined my first-semester experience to be in the virtual environment. I thought that when the heat came, COVID-19 would somehow die off, but that is not what happened. However, I am still grateful to even be in graduate school, as I know how truly lucky, I am to have been accepted. Although the journey is not always sunshine and roses, it is worth it. It is worth every learning opportunity not only as a teacher but also as a student. In her amazing book “Eight Essential Questions Teachers Ask,” Deanna Dannels discusses common questions teachers ask. As a TA, one of the biggest questions I had was: “How do I Negotiate Relational Boundaries?” Dannels calls this question a “worry stone question”, or a commonly asked question. As a matter of fact, she dedicated an entire chapter of her book to this very question! This question seems even more important in negotiating the virtual environment. As a teacher, I often am finding myself trading emails with students that are professional yet caring. I want to be a flexible TA, one that cares for students in their professional endeavors but also note that these are some really uncertain times they are going through right now. Like all of us, they are also learning how tYou are probably wondering why I waited until Week 7 of 15 to start my journey with you. Well, trut    hfully, it is because as both a teacher and a student, I have had to truly learn about #TrustingTheProcess. #TrustingTheProcess, while it may seem easy, is not always as easy as it may seem.  Sometimes, it is easier said than done. First, I want to talk about how as a teacher, I navigate trusting the process, especially in a virtual environment.

              I don’t think I ever imagined my first-semester experience to be in the virtual environment. I thought that when the heat came, COVID-19 would somehow die off, but that is not what happened. However, I am still grateful to even be in graduate school, as I know how truly lucky, I am to have been accepted. Although the journey is not always sunshine and roses, it is worth it. It is worth every learning opportunity not only as a teacher but also as a student. In her amazing book “Eight Essential Questions Teachers Ask,” Deanna Dannels discusses common questions teachers ask. As a TA, one of the biggest questions I had was: “How do I Negotiate Relational Boundaries?” Dannels calls this question a “worry stone question”, or a commonly asked question. As a matter of fact, she dedicated an entire chapter of her book to this very question! This question seems even more important in negotiating the virtual environment. As a teacher, I often am finding myself trading emails with students that are professional yet caring. I want to be a flexible TA, one that cares for students in their professional endeavors but also note that these are some really uncertain times they are going through right now. Like all of us, they are also learning how to #TrustTheProcess and I understand it is a difficult thing to do. When a student takes COMM 1010 with me, I want them to know I care about them but am still going to hold high expectations for them, just like my current and former professors do, and did, for me. I do try and offer words of wisdom and encouragement and try to offer as much compassion and grace as possible, which is, to be honest, something I am trying to work on extending to myself as a graduate student and also a TA. I want to be sensitive to their experiences while also being professional. Often times when I exchange emails with students about an issue that is personal, I always ask myself after if I’ve said the right thing. When students respond back thanking me for my care, I remember that it is all about how I need to just #TrustTheProcess, even when I am unsure of how to do that. Paulo Freir discusses reflexivity and praxis, and as a student and a teacher, I have had to implement true self-reflection. Case in Point: my journey in Feminist Criticism.

              While I respect rhetoric with my entire heart and think it is an extremely important part of the Communication Studies Discipline, it is probably the most challenging aspect of communication for me on a personal level. However, I am glad I am deciding to #TrustTheProcess and take this course, as I know it will only make me a better communicator and writer in the end. So, imagine my own surprise when I decided to sign up for Feminist Criticism to challenge myself to step way outside of my comfort zone. The first few weeks of the course were not that hard. We read, we discussed the readings, and we built a community, albeit in the virtual environment. I’d say that’s successful. Now, as I imagine what my final project is going to look like, the course is becoming much more of a challenge. The thing is, I knew it was going to be this way and still chose to take it, which I am very glad for. It is good for people to step outside of their comfort zones and do things to implement trust and growth.

              Now, as I navigate conducting research and making a rhetorical argument regarding my final project, I’ve experienced lots of doubts this week about my place in Feminist Criticism. I am an upbeat person, but to say the least about Week 7…it’s been humbling to be in graduate school. As a student, the work I do is hard. It’s not easy for me to just come up with a rhetorical argument. As a matter of fact, the final project is probably one of the most exciting, yet hardest, things I will need to do this semester. Yesterday, I became extremely discouraged when I realized I was way in over my head with the artifact I was choosing to analyze. I was attempting to analyze a speech, but after really examining it through a rhetorical lens, I soon and quickly realized that just because the speech was discussing blind women, that did not mean it had anything to do with feminism. I was pretty close to using something that would not have served me well to use. After some self-reflection about the **major** missteps I took in selecting my artifact, I reached out to my fantastic professor for some guidance. I was worried that it was too late to pick another artifact, but after self-reflection, I thought I should at least reach out.

              Today, I had a meeting with my professor. She informed me that it was not too late to change my artifact and that I just needed to situate myself to make a rhetorical argument. Which, to be honest with you all, I am still figuring out how to do. She also gave me pieces of very valuable feedback that will serve me well beyond Feminist Criticism. I always say my brain does not work in a rhetorical fashion, that I don’t know how to do rhetoric, and that I will not be a rhetorician. However, when I’m having that inner dialogue with myself and naming the world as Freir suggests scholars do, I am not #TrustingTheProcess at all. As a matter of fact, I am pushing back against the process of trust. Dictionary.com defines “trust” as “[a] firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something” (Dictionary.com). What I vow to do from this day forward when engaging in dialogue with myself and others about rhetoric is say, “Maybe I’m not good at this now, but I trust that I will get better.” I will no longer say I don’t do rhetoric. I will #TrustTheProcess, no matter how many bumps there are in the road to getting there. The road is not always a straight shot to an unknown destination. Sometimes on that windy road, there will be obstacles that one encounters. In my case, my biggest obstacle as a teacher is negotiating boundaries of professionalism with my ability to sympathize and care about and with my students. To not only care about them finding their own process to trust, but to care about their learning in COMM 1010 Virtual Addition. To establish self-reflexivity and dialogue with them, and to eventually bring it to praxis. But also, to care about what is happening in my students’ personal lives that may be preventing them from turning in their best work. To care as a teacher and not a therapist but to still demonstrate that I care. Dr. Dannels brings up some amazing techniques for caring about students which I have implemented into my own practice. For example, one of my students asked me to provide him with feedback for his paper, but I was not in a position to do that because the paper was due at 11:59 PM that night.  I do not bring up this story to call this student out for emailing me on a Sunday. I am totally okay with students emailing me on Sundays. Using Dannels’ language regarding feedback, I gently informed the student that I was glad he was committed to his learning, but that I could not provide feedback with such late notice. The student thanked me for my time and we both moved forward. And also, he did great on his paper! Dannels taught me a lot when I read her book, and I felt like I got a glimpse into how to be the most effective teacher from her.

 

            As I rap up this first out of five blog posts, I know that there will be days where #TrustingTheProcess is easy and days where it is challenging. The important thing is, I will not give up until I either master rhetoric to the best of my abilities, learn that self-disclosure over email is appropriate because it allows me to share common ground with students and give them appropriate tips for success in COMM 1010, or trust myself with my research and know that I am only doing the best I can. I hope you enjoyed reading this blog, and I look forward to reading yours!

Sending a Virtual Handshake or Hug,

Kendalo #TrustTheProcess and I understand it is a difficult thing to do. When a student takes COMM 1010 with me, I want them to know I care about them but am still going to hold high expectations for them, just like my current and former professors do, and did, for me. I do try and offer words of wisdom and encouragement and try to offer as much compassion and grace as possible, which is, to be honest, something I am trying to work on extending to myself as a graduate student and also a TA. I want to be sensitive to their experiences while also being professional. Often times when I exchange emails with students about an issue that is personal, I always ask myself after if I’ve said the right thing. When students respond back thanking me for my care, I remember that it is all about how I need to just #TrustTheProcess, even when I am unsure of how to do that. Paulo Freir discusses reflexivity and praxis, and as a student and a teacher, I have had to implement true self-reflection. Case in Point: my journey in Feminist Criticism.

              While I respect rhetoric with my entire heart and think it is an extremely important part of the Communication Studies Discipline, it is probably the most challenging aspect of communication for me on a personal level. However, I am glad I am deciding to #TrustTheProcess and take this course, as I know it will only make me a better communicator and writer in the end. So, imagine my own surprise when I decided to sign up for Feminist Criticism to challenge myself to step way outside of my comfort zone. The first few weeks of the course were not that hard. We read, we discussed the readings, and we built a community, albeit in the virtual environment. I’d say that’s successful. Now, as I imagine what my final project is going to look like, the course is becoming much more of a challenge. The thing is, I knew it was going to be this way and still chose to take it, which I am very glad for. It is good for people to step outside of their comfort zones and do things to implement trust and growth.

              Now, as I navigate conducting research and making a rhetorical argument regarding my final project, I’ve experienced lots of doubts this week about my place in Feminist Criticism. I am an upbeat person, but to say the least about Week 7…it’s been humbling to be in graduate school. As a student, the work I do is hard. It’s not easy for me to just come up with a rhetorical argument. As a matter of fact, the final project is probably one of the most exciting, yet hardest, things I will need to do this semester. Yesterday, I became extremely discouraged when I realized I was way in over my head with the artifact I was choosing to analyze. I was attempting to analyze a speech, but after really examining it through a rhetorical lens, I soon and quickly realized that just because the speech was discussing blind women, that did not mean it had anything to do with feminism. I was pretty close to using something that would not have served me well to use. After some self-reflection about the **major** missteps I took in selecting my artifact, I reached out to my fantastic professor for some guidance. I was worried that it was too late to pick another artifact, but after self-reflection, I thought I should at least reach out.

              Today, I had a meeting with my professor. She informed me that it was not too late to change my artifact and that I just needed to situate myself to make a rhetorical argument. Which, to be honest with you all, I am still figuring out how to do. She also gave me pieces of very valuable feedback that will serve me well beyond Feminist Criticism. I always say my brain does not work in a rhetorical fashion, that I don’t know how to do rhetoric, and that I will not be a rhetorician. However, when I’m having that inner dialogue with myself and naming the world as Freir suggests scholars do, I am not #TrustingTheProcess at all. As a matter of fact, I am pushing back against the process of trust. Dictionary.com defines “trust” as “[a] firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something” (Dictionary.com). What I vow to do from this day forward when engaging in dialogue with myself and others about rhetoric is say, “Maybe I’m not good at this now, but I trust that I will get better.” I will no longer say I don’t do rhetoric. I will #TrustTheProcess, no matter how many bumps there are in the road to getting there. The road is not always a straight shot to an unknown destination. Sometimes on that windy road, there will be obstacles that one encounters. In my case, my biggest obstacle as a teacher is negotiating boundaries of professionalism with my ability to sympathize and care about and with my students. To not only care about them finding their own process to trust, but to care about their learning in COMM 1010 Virtual Addition. To establish self-reflexivity and dialogue with them, and to eventually bring it to praxis. But also, to care about what is happening in my students’ personal lives that may be preventing them from turning in their best work. To care as a teacher and not a therapist but to still demonstrate that I care. Dr. Dannels brings up some amazing techniques for caring about students which I have implemented into my own practice. For example, one of my students asked me to provide him with feedback for his paper, but I was not in a position to do that because the paper was due at 11:59 PM that night.  I do not bring up this story to call this student out for emailing me on a Sunday. I am totally okay with students emailing me on Sundays. Using Dannels’ language regarding feedback, I gently informed the student that I was glad he was committed to his learning, but that I could not provide feedback with such late notice. The student thanked me for my time and we both moved forward. And also, he did great on his paper! Dannels taught me a lot when I read her book, and I felt like I got a glimpse into how to be the most effective teacher from her.

 

            As I rap up this first out of five blog posts, I know that there will be days where #TrustingTheProcess is easy and days where it is challenging. The important thing is, I will not give up until I either master rhetoric to the best of my abilities, learn that self-disclosure over email is appropriate because it allows me to share common ground with students and give them appropriate tips for success in COMM 1010, or trust myself with my research and know that I am only doing the best I can. I hope you enjoyed reading this blog, and I look forward to reading yours!

Sending a Virtual Handshake or Hug,

Kendal

Staying the Course is a Journey Volume 1: Post 1

Caution: Road Block Ahead [Grab your compass]

Thank You

Dear Professor Anderson-Lain, Amber, Angelica, Cheri, Ciel, Felicity, Gabby, Jen, Madie, Payton, and the second year TAs who won’t see this, 

            I was going to write a letter to all of the scholars that we read throughout the course of the semester, thanking them for all they taught me, but in all honesty I didn’t really want to. Yes they all taught me a lot of things but I think about my experiences in the classroom that I have had all semester and I know for a fact that I wouldn’t have been able to do it without all of you. Even all of the things that we learned in our readings this semester wouldn’t have been able to make any sort of sense had I not broken it down with all of you during class and in the space. Thank you all for teaching me so much and making this a semester a time that I won’t ever forget.

            I’ve spent some time looking at all my other blog posts trying to figure out how I could best wrap it all up. This has been the semester of self-reflection, a time where I have realized that in order to be the best that I can be I have to constantly be reflective over the choices I make in the position I possess. For that, I do have to give a big shout out to Frierre, hooks, and Fasstt & Warren, for helping to really clarify the importance of self-reflection. But with every act of self-reflection that I did engage in, I almost always had questions. Things that I wasn’t sure about, things I thought I may have done wrong, and concerns if I was even thinking about the right things. I think it was Palmer who talked about how vulnerable of a job being a teacher is and boy is he right, it is scary as shit being up there. I had all of these fears and all of these questions, and I couldn’t ask any of these scholars what they thought, but I could always turn to all of you. No matter what concern I had, no matter what stupid question I could think of, you were all always there for me. I learned so much from all of you individually and I’ll never be able to express how grateful I am for that. 

            I guess I’ll also take a minute to say thank you to all my students, because I have to give them credit as well. In my journey to learn what the hell teaching is, how to create a positive classroom environment, and to navigate the world of communication pedagogy they were right there with me. I hope I was able to teach them even a fraction of what they taught me. I think the drive to make them co-teachers in the classroom truly worked, as I never stopped learning from them, and I hope for as long as I teach that I will always learn as much from my students as I did in this one semester. I would also like to give the biggest stand alone thank you to Professor Anderson-Lain, for being an amazing teacher and role model. There was never a moment where I felt like I couldn’t come to you or that you didn’t have my back. I don’t think there's anyone in the department that feels like they can’t come to you, and that’s quite wonderful. Thank you for guiding us this semester and for making us feel like we are exactly where we are supposed to be. 

            So this may not be the correct way to write this blog post and I don’t apologize for that. Using this post to thank you all for everything that you have done for me only seems fitting. I feel like I have gained a family through this semester of teaching and it’s a family that I’ll never forget. I am so proud of us for getting through this but there wasn’t a doubt in my mind that we wouldn’t. I know that I learned so much from all the readings that we did this semester but I will always know that I learned the most from all of you. I look forward to what the next three semesters have to bring, and to all the new things that we will teach each other along the way. So here’s to us, the teachers that Professor always knew we were. Thank you all, and HAPPY TEACHING.

Lots of Love,

Jonathon Tolj

BIGS is Rich

I counted out ten pennies. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. Ten pennies clumped together on the table before me. I knew this was coming. I knew this was coming. I. Knew.This. Was. Coming. 

I had time to sit with the readings, carry them around in my bag, and sleep with them on the nights that I fell asleep reading them. It served as no surprise that I would be given an incentive to contribute to the class discussion. Being ten cents richer for an hour or two felt nice. But those copper coins felt awkward to handle as well. Even shifting them about the table, as a token of contribution felt stiff. I met myself with a mixture of acceptance, obligation, but also some discomfort. I wanted to get out of class early as much as the next person, but I still found myself questioning what I wanted to say. Did my contribution feel as valuable, despite each coin being exactly the same? I wondered, if my words felt like they amounted to the value of the coin. 

I was given ten pennies for my thoughts and even that seemed like it was too much. 

As I read Voices and Silences in Our Classrooms: Strategies for Mapping Trails Among Sex/Gender, Race and Class I instantly knew in my gut that we would be using one of these strategies in the classroom. It was genius really. I knew that, if we didn’t use one of the methods in class, I might have actually moved to make a suggestion for it. I silently hoped, between my highlighting and illegible notes in the margins, that we wouldn’t do it, but I knew it would be an effective challenge for all of us. I knew I wanted to try the “pay to talk” method (Bell & Golombisky,  2004, p. 299) with my own students because I found it so fascinating. I felt like a dog seeing their owner, as the activity seeped into my mind. It excited me. It is a good show night for BIGS, I now know how to further perfect my act. 

This activity would be dreadful for my quieter students, but would be challenging for more vocal students. I would think that my earlier 1010 section would have a more difficult time with getting rid of their coins, as they are mostly a quieter bunch and a bit more disengaged at times. My second class however, has a handful of students that remain more vocal and outgoing.  I would imagine some of my students might try to give away their penny/pennies and that others might save them up until the end. I already know the names and faces of students who might have trouble saving their coins. However, I have found that my quieter students offer just as powerful insights to the class. It makes me wonder why I feel my own voice has little value so much of the time. Perhaps, it’s a degree of imposter syndrome that has been covertly sickening me as the semester has continued on. 

Silence and voice are the biggest theme and barrier for good girls in the classroom. Many girls silence their voices, due to the conditioning that they have undergone within the classroom. Race adds a double jeopardy for African American women, in regards to silence and voice. 

“White girls begin to silence themselves at adolescence, girls of color are caught in class and racial binds that make them invisible and unwelcome in the classroom, and the education system reinforces this decline. Schools, according to Sadker and Sadker (1994) participate in undermining smart women dampening girls’ aspirations through various forms of gender bias, including a lower quality and quantity of classroom attention” (Bell & Golombisky, 2004, p. 297). 

It’s a bit alarming how a piece from fifteen years ago still rings true today. And it feels odd to write about an issue pertaining to race, but it is inherently linked to my positionality. Pedagogy has definitely encouraged me to continue to recognize and identify how my positionality affects me in the many roles I play. It affects even roles that I do not play. It influences how I see everything in my life and even influences how I think others might see things too. Of course, I have also continued to be challenged to question my views, values, and beliefs as I continue to navigate (more like drown) in academic settings. I continue to be exposed to the world around me and to question why, how, when, all of these things in life became of relevance or why they never were. 

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“...Singh's question: "If you had to. which White privilege would you give up?" White students ponder this question: the privilege of not being followed in department stores? The privilege of knowing courses, books, popular entertain- ment will reflect your daily reality—as mainstream, rather than a special case? The resulting discussions are lively and productive, but White students rarely make a choice because they don't have to…” (Bell & Golombisky, 2004, p. 311).

As I was attempting to send a friend a gif today, I scrolled through the images that populated the gif catalogue. I saw cartoons, animals, anime characters, and fictional characters. It ranged from Friends to Monsters Inc. to Pokemon. I saw a sea of faces that did not look like mine (even though I would love to be a pikachu). Much of the time, this acknowledgement was a silent one. I paid no mind to it. I ignored it. I pretended it didn’t bother me. After all, what could I do or say? Was I truly powerless to it? In the past, it felt as if the thought did not roll across my mind in a conscious way. In some ways it felt like an illusion of “harmlessness”. So, maybe it was “harmless” in some ways, not really, but okay, but yet sometimes it was consuming in other ways. When I think about it, it is difficult to find myself reflected on television, at school, in products (clothes, health and beauty products, etc.) . Something as simple as the funny popular culture examples I was exposed to felt empty and blemished. 

I suppose now, I question how to balance my newfound enlightenment in graduate school with my doubts and worries that surround my everyday life. This Juggler will have to figure that out.

BIGS tip: Never stop exploring what life has to offer. You may find something you like.