Zoom was my mask.

 This semester has been considerably more difficult than what I thought it would be.

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I feel that everything has become repetitive and that I have been reading more than I have been productive on my research goals. One reason I believe I feel this way is because we are in person.

I miss zoom.

I know it is a weird thing to say, that I miss zoom. But I do. I think it is almost a Stockholm syndrome type feeling, where I miss the feeling of being captive within the walls of zoom. 

For me, it was both stressful and long distance, but it was also a safe-haven and cushion. 

1. I lived with my dad, and did not worry about rent. This changed once we moved to be in person.

2. I was able to zoom in wherever and still be alright to make it to class.

3. Though it was long-distance, I was still able to feel somewhat connected to my members by having to engage with them one-on-one. 

4. If I was sick, I could still try to engage and feel like I am learning. 

The negatives do outweigh the positives when it comes to socializing/interacting with my cohort, but the positives still stick with me like glue no matter what.

I know that when it comes to being a TA that it would be different, however. I do have a close connection to the students that I teach online vs. those that are in my online course. 

I feel that this is mutual.

 I think this of my students and my students think this of me. When we are in person, I feel that I make a bigger connection. 

BUT:

1. In zoom you could see the students names

2. The students that would rather type than talk could type in the chat to share their thoughts/opinions.

3. There was less reason for students to not show up to class as they could zoom in from anywhere, even if they were sick.

4. Depending on how you do in the zoom/what you do to make it fun, they can STILL feel that connection, even if it is lower than it would be than if they were in person. 

I think the big thing about transitioning from zoom to in person is that I feel even MORE out of place than when I was zooming in. I have to navigate coming to campus vs. staying home. I have to worry about balancing work and school much more than when I was just working through zoom. What is more, is that I actually have to LEAVE my house. 

Leaving is weird

Being around people is weird 

I want to go back to normal but what IS NORMAL ANYMORE.

Everything is causing mini crises in my mind, anxiety overwhelming, and stress overtaking me.

My mind is a microcosm of large thoughts that exceed my mental capacity of understanding and being able to cope with these things that are interfering with my life, on a level that I can not even begin to comprehend.

Why then, does zoom feel like a safe haven? 

No one could see my mask slipping. 

No one could see the cracks in my mask.

I was strong. Shy. But strong.

Now what am I? 

Normal pre-Covid will never be NORMAL again. 

I am not even able to handle simple questions. If they are directed at me, I break. If they come at me I crumble. If it is BECAUSE of me…

In-person or zoom? I think both are fine and they both are able to house a learning environment. Some people learn well through zoom, some don’t. Some teachers TEACH better through zoom, some don’t. 

Synchronous or Asynchronous DOES make a difference in the experience; we can still have a connective experience through zoom... it just takes time and practice to perfect.

What I believe the true question is not in-person or zoom, but HOW do we transition between the two. Because for me, the transition has been not just rocky, but mountainous.

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How can we stay #Rellevent through the transition? We are all users caught in an interconnected web of technology, with our growth paused in this halfway state between virtual and FtF education, no longer an individual in the mass, but pushed around by necessity.

Do we even matter in this discussion of virtual or online, or is it all just a bureaucratic process grounded in a big "fuck you" no matter what format you are learning.

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Resources on Virtual education.

kyol, Z., & Garrison, D. R. (2008). The development of a community of inquiry over time in an online course: Understanding the progression and integration of social, cognitive and teaching presence. Journal of Asynchronous Learning Networks, 12 (3-4), 3-22.

Dixson, M. D., Greenwell, M. R., Rogers-Stacy, C., Weister, T., & Lauer, S. (2017). Nonverbal immediacy behaviors and online student engagement: Brining past instructional research into the present virtual classroom. Communication Education, 66 (1), 37-53.

Vallade, J. E., & Kaufmann, R. (2018). Investigating instructor misbehaviors in the online classroom. Communication Education, 67 (3), 363-381.