Thank You

Dear Professor Anderson-Lain, Amber, Angelica, Cheri, Ciel, Felicity, Gabby, Jen, Madie, Payton, and the second year TAs who won’t see this, 

            I was going to write a letter to all of the scholars that we read throughout the course of the semester, thanking them for all they taught me, but in all honesty I didn’t really want to. Yes they all taught me a lot of things but I think about my experiences in the classroom that I have had all semester and I know for a fact that I wouldn’t have been able to do it without all of you. Even all of the things that we learned in our readings this semester wouldn’t have been able to make any sort of sense had I not broken it down with all of you during class and in the space. Thank you all for teaching me so much and making this a semester a time that I won’t ever forget.

            I’ve spent some time looking at all my other blog posts trying to figure out how I could best wrap it all up. This has been the semester of self-reflection, a time where I have realized that in order to be the best that I can be I have to constantly be reflective over the choices I make in the position I possess. For that, I do have to give a big shout out to Frierre, hooks, and Fasstt & Warren, for helping to really clarify the importance of self-reflection. But with every act of self-reflection that I did engage in, I almost always had questions. Things that I wasn’t sure about, things I thought I may have done wrong, and concerns if I was even thinking about the right things. I think it was Palmer who talked about how vulnerable of a job being a teacher is and boy is he right, it is scary as shit being up there. I had all of these fears and all of these questions, and I couldn’t ask any of these scholars what they thought, but I could always turn to all of you. No matter what concern I had, no matter what stupid question I could think of, you were all always there for me. I learned so much from all of you individually and I’ll never be able to express how grateful I am for that. 

            I guess I’ll also take a minute to say thank you to all my students, because I have to give them credit as well. In my journey to learn what the hell teaching is, how to create a positive classroom environment, and to navigate the world of communication pedagogy they were right there with me. I hope I was able to teach them even a fraction of what they taught me. I think the drive to make them co-teachers in the classroom truly worked, as I never stopped learning from them, and I hope for as long as I teach that I will always learn as much from my students as I did in this one semester. I would also like to give the biggest stand alone thank you to Professor Anderson-Lain, for being an amazing teacher and role model. There was never a moment where I felt like I couldn’t come to you or that you didn’t have my back. I don’t think there's anyone in the department that feels like they can’t come to you, and that’s quite wonderful. Thank you for guiding us this semester and for making us feel like we are exactly where we are supposed to be. 

            So this may not be the correct way to write this blog post and I don’t apologize for that. Using this post to thank you all for everything that you have done for me only seems fitting. I feel like I have gained a family through this semester of teaching and it’s a family that I’ll never forget. I am so proud of us for getting through this but there wasn’t a doubt in my mind that we wouldn’t. I know that I learned so much from all the readings that we did this semester but I will always know that I learned the most from all of you. I look forward to what the next three semesters have to bring, and to all the new things that we will teach each other along the way. So here’s to us, the teachers that Professor always knew we were. Thank you all, and HAPPY TEACHING.

Lots of Love,

Jonathon Tolj

BIGS is Rich

I counted out ten pennies. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. Ten pennies clumped together on the table before me. I knew this was coming. I knew this was coming. I. Knew.This. Was. Coming. 

I had time to sit with the readings, carry them around in my bag, and sleep with them on the nights that I fell asleep reading them. It served as no surprise that I would be given an incentive to contribute to the class discussion. Being ten cents richer for an hour or two felt nice. But those copper coins felt awkward to handle as well. Even shifting them about the table, as a token of contribution felt stiff. I met myself with a mixture of acceptance, obligation, but also some discomfort. I wanted to get out of class early as much as the next person, but I still found myself questioning what I wanted to say. Did my contribution feel as valuable, despite each coin being exactly the same? I wondered, if my words felt like they amounted to the value of the coin. 

I was given ten pennies for my thoughts and even that seemed like it was too much. 

As I read Voices and Silences in Our Classrooms: Strategies for Mapping Trails Among Sex/Gender, Race and Class I instantly knew in my gut that we would be using one of these strategies in the classroom. It was genius really. I knew that, if we didn’t use one of the methods in class, I might have actually moved to make a suggestion for it. I silently hoped, between my highlighting and illegible notes in the margins, that we wouldn’t do it, but I knew it would be an effective challenge for all of us. I knew I wanted to try the “pay to talk” method (Bell & Golombisky,  2004, p. 299) with my own students because I found it so fascinating. I felt like a dog seeing their owner, as the activity seeped into my mind. It excited me. It is a good show night for BIGS, I now know how to further perfect my act. 

This activity would be dreadful for my quieter students, but would be challenging for more vocal students. I would think that my earlier 1010 section would have a more difficult time with getting rid of their coins, as they are mostly a quieter bunch and a bit more disengaged at times. My second class however, has a handful of students that remain more vocal and outgoing.  I would imagine some of my students might try to give away their penny/pennies and that others might save them up until the end. I already know the names and faces of students who might have trouble saving their coins. However, I have found that my quieter students offer just as powerful insights to the class. It makes me wonder why I feel my own voice has little value so much of the time. Perhaps, it’s a degree of imposter syndrome that has been covertly sickening me as the semester has continued on. 

Silence and voice are the biggest theme and barrier for good girls in the classroom. Many girls silence their voices, due to the conditioning that they have undergone within the classroom. Race adds a double jeopardy for African American women, in regards to silence and voice. 

“White girls begin to silence themselves at adolescence, girls of color are caught in class and racial binds that make them invisible and unwelcome in the classroom, and the education system reinforces this decline. Schools, according to Sadker and Sadker (1994) participate in undermining smart women dampening girls’ aspirations through various forms of gender bias, including a lower quality and quantity of classroom attention” (Bell & Golombisky, 2004, p. 297). 

It’s a bit alarming how a piece from fifteen years ago still rings true today. And it feels odd to write about an issue pertaining to race, but it is inherently linked to my positionality. Pedagogy has definitely encouraged me to continue to recognize and identify how my positionality affects me in the many roles I play. It affects even roles that I do not play. It influences how I see everything in my life and even influences how I think others might see things too. Of course, I have also continued to be challenged to question my views, values, and beliefs as I continue to navigate (more like drown) in academic settings. I continue to be exposed to the world around me and to question why, how, when, all of these things in life became of relevance or why they never were. 

***

“...Singh's question: "If you had to. which White privilege would you give up?" White students ponder this question: the privilege of not being followed in department stores? The privilege of knowing courses, books, popular entertain- ment will reflect your daily reality—as mainstream, rather than a special case? The resulting discussions are lively and productive, but White students rarely make a choice because they don't have to…” (Bell & Golombisky, 2004, p. 311).

As I was attempting to send a friend a gif today, I scrolled through the images that populated the gif catalogue. I saw cartoons, animals, anime characters, and fictional characters. It ranged from Friends to Monsters Inc. to Pokemon. I saw a sea of faces that did not look like mine (even though I would love to be a pikachu). Much of the time, this acknowledgement was a silent one. I paid no mind to it. I ignored it. I pretended it didn’t bother me. After all, what could I do or say? Was I truly powerless to it? In the past, it felt as if the thought did not roll across my mind in a conscious way. In some ways it felt like an illusion of “harmlessness”. So, maybe it was “harmless” in some ways, not really, but okay, but yet sometimes it was consuming in other ways. When I think about it, it is difficult to find myself reflected on television, at school, in products (clothes, health and beauty products, etc.) . Something as simple as the funny popular culture examples I was exposed to felt empty and blemished. 

I suppose now, I question how to balance my newfound enlightenment in graduate school with my doubts and worries that surround my everyday life. This Juggler will have to figure that out.

BIGS tip: Never stop exploring what life has to offer. You may find something you like.

Action and Power

Advocacy in Action was such an interesting class project. It reminded me of the PR event and design project my friends and I did in undergrad but instead these students took it a step further and made it come to life. It was amazing seeing how this project played out from start to finish. 

What really made it so interesting to me though was how they had full complete control over it. It was rather amazing getting to see shy students grow within the groups they were in. For every team, I allowed them to have control of the classroom and use it to their advantage during work days. I was worried and somewhat nervous of doing this but surprisingly enough they were very organized and utilized this time to make announcements in class. The leadership team was the first to make an announcement and use the class time for voting and coming to a common decision for the donations. More and more teams did this as well and soon enough when work days were announced, they asked if their team could start the class that day. Their enthusiasm for leading the discussion and class was so great to see. It reminded me of how Freire spoke of the oppressed and teachers giving students the opportunity to break out of this. They had full space and authority where they started with an idea and then went through the process of making it a tangible and real thing! Maybe I'm just nerding out but that's just so cool to me. #SucksYes!

Identity and Respect

I remember on the second week of class I asked a student to not wear his sunglasses in class and he laughed it off saying that they were prescription, ignoring the request and adjusting them. Another student on the first day of class when we were playing the name game introduced himself as “R@*#ey Royce” to the class which made many of the men in class laugh while many of the women visibly uncomfortable. They continued this for days afterwards even after my requests for them and the student in question to stop. I didn’t know how to gain their respect. I remember feeling awful about this but I looked at it as having two choices: being incredibly strict on them or being myself. 

Went with the later in the end. This situation would overall suck but at least I would be genuine. A few times in class I remember my accent would come out in class and I would disclose that I was Latina and spoke Spanish. I would comment on a student’s shirt who would have an anime character on it and ask them if they liked the show. A student specifically would draw on every handout given or a paper they turned in, I told them to continue doing this because their art style was dope. I remember when giving out the impromptu speech of my favorite video game, a few students asked afterwards if I battled the gym outside the environmental science building yet, and the class would even quiet down when I was trying to speak up during the class discussions. There were so many things that I could’ve done to have them respect my identity but am glad that they responded well to me being genuinely myself. Small things but they’re still a win. #SucksYes!

Time to Open Up

Self-disclosure can be difficult because you’re not just potentially being vulnerable by opening yourself to others but also it can have others lose their credibility in you. However, it can be so strong by having your students trust you more. I started the semester being closed off from the students where it sometimes felt like there was a glass panel between myself and them, I still didn’t feel confident being their instructor. Most of the students were the classic zombies who would stare at me with blank and unblinking expressions. As a horror movie fan, this didn’t bother me until they all would magically come back to life at the end of class to pack up and leave. What was I doing wrong? 

I asked myself and others what I could do to get them to be more engaged in class, there truly had to be something. I incorporated pop culture, memes, jokes, and other stuff into my teaching but they would instead react as if I was a cringey teacher. I remember staring at the ceiling of my apartment one day, thinking this question all over again. Like all good ideas, one hit me at around 3 am. I realized that my class was majority orange personalities and had a learning style of activities. I started to implement this within my discussions, slowly moving away from power points and soon enough, more students started to come back to life and join the discussion. 

With this, I took a risky move and started disclosing more of myself into the classroom. If I wanted to learn more about them, I needed to do the same as well. I shared with them my own narrative of how I loved Pokemon during impromptu speeches. I did the same process of planning that they were expected to do. They got to see my own anxiety of doing an impromptu speech, one student even asked me "you look nervous. But you're the teacher though." and with that I explained how it's different being put on the spot and so many of them visibly looked more relieved than before. I did a silly attention grabber of singing and acting out the intro song to Pokemon and started on how Pokemon is my favorite video game. Since then, students will start a conversation with me about pop culture or video games the few minutes before class starts. Silly how something small as an electric mouse really helped in bringing together the class. #SucksYes!

When the Supersmash 'Bros' Helped the Class

There’s a group of students in my COMM 1010 class who sit in the back-left side of the classroom. They are all best friends and even live in the same dorm room. In the beginning, I referred to them as the "Dude Bros". This group of 'bros' are high energy and often join discussion in class, however they would often derail the class with different tangents that were off topic. One was about a film that was released the past weekend, another was about a current thing on social media, and one time about what character in super smash bros was the best (I think they ended on Snake? I honestly can't remember). These conversations and points were odd at first because I thought these students were taking advantage of the situation, being hyped by their friends, and having fun derailing the dialogue with a random thought. I was wondering how to fix this situation until I realized that these students were all oranges, active learners, and were good students who did really good online work. I thought to do what Palmer said on making students who speak a lot in the classroom to be your “helper” of sorts and in speaking when the class is silent. However instead of asking this groups of “cool kids” and "bros" directly, I thought to do a little experiment. The next time one of them spoke, I would ask him further on his points and implement it into the dialogue that was happening in class. It was going to be a risk but one I was willing to take!

The next class period was impromptu speeches, introductions, and outlines. I asked the class what would be a good topic for an impromptu speech and like straight from an anime, one of the bros glasses glinted in the light as he dramatically swept them off, standing in a fluid motion with his hand raised in the air yelling out one single word with a grin “Sidewalks!” 

Stunned is not enough to describe how the rest of the peers and myself reacted to this. I kept in mind this little idea I had and asked him “Ok, lets use sidewalks. What would be a good argument for sidewalks?”

Then he explained how sidewalks on campus were too small for groups of friends to walk together and this piqued other students to join in, students that haven’t had spoken yet in class even, to include some more points. From having wider sidewalks would in create less accidents of speeding students on bike with walking students to having more access for students with disabilities. I realize now that what I did was removing my power as the instructor and giving it to the students, allowing them to lead the discussion and create their own outcomes.

Since then, I have asked more open-ended questions in class to allow them to brainstorm out loud. What I thought was going to be a tough situation dealing with a group of trouble students then became one where they frequently help in class discussion. Taking it as a win! #SucksYes!

Can I Hit the Panic Button Now?

Credibility was something that I was extremely worried about when stepping into the classroom and being the class’s instructor. Who was I to be these student’s instructor? I mean, their grades are on me (not really but the pressure sure felt like it was). The beginning notes of the song Under Pressure would play in an anxiety inducing loop in my head. Much like the Jaws theme, just looming over me as this unseen impending doom approached from the shadows.

I would reassure myself that everything would be ok. I mean, what could be the worst that would happen? The most extreme would be that an accident occurs, I get fired on the spot, or worse: death. These far fetched and extreme scenario would calm my anxiety but no matter how anxious I was, I knew I needed to fit into the role in order to gain the classrooms respect. But first! in order for that to work, needed to have confidence in myself to step into the role. 

Hmmm, what to do, what to do... I could share with the class how nervous I was but that could risk them potentially taking advantage of it. Like dinosaurs, students can smell fear. For sure wasn’t going to risk that! So, I told myself ‘It’s ok Jen, you got this. You’ve tutored students before and that’s, in a sense, like being the instructor. You got this!’ and with a deep breath, stepped into my role and went into the classroom.

As stated by Dannels, having credibility will help in managing a classroom but also, it’s absolutely human to be anxious about being in front of a crowd of students and teaching them. I’m already a shy and awkward person, it’s only amplified when I ask a question to the class and receive back seconds of prolonged silence that feel like a whole hour. Then the self-doubt ceremoniously enters the room with trumpets and shouting “HEY JEN! YOU'VE FUCKED UP!” 

But you know what, nip it at the bud and take a deep breath. Instead listen to the word of Dannels and have comfort that I will get better at this with more experience and will soon gain credibility as well. It might suck now but the situation will get better with time.

As the character Delia from Beetlejuice says “Every success begins with sucks… but ends with yes. SucksYes!” so it might suck right now, but without a doubt, it will all end out well. #SucksYes!