The Sky Didn't Fall

We are almost at the end of semester one- or two- of grad school... wow.

I've tried to start this post a few times, and each time I restart I find myself thinking about all the different ways this semester has impacted me. Have a grown as a student? Yes, but it's more than that. Have I grown as an instructor and member of an instructor team? Again, I feel like the answer is still yes that's probably true. This semester was one of growth and still I feel like I have more to say about my experience because if I only highlight the good then I'm not being honest (with myself or others).  With that being out there, I've decided the best way to wrap up posting is to reflect on my takeaways from this semester.

1. You find out really quick in grad school who you can rely on and who is going to make your life harder.

This was one of the harder things I had to face this semester, but I've made my peace with the fact that not everyone I thought I could rely actually made my life easier. I'm sure by this point I don't need to talk about how my living situation has caused me unimaginable stress, but I don't think I realized how bad things actually were until I went home for a weekend to visit my parents and started crying in the middle of their neighbor's party because someone asked if I was doing okay and liked my roommate/how the cat thing was working out (it's not better). I'm not saying I didn't know it was bad before, but that experience was an eye-opener and really clued me into how much unnecessary stress I was taking on. When it comes to dealing with this situation I've realized that I can't count on some of the people I thought I could, and that's okay.

There have been so many moments throughout the semester that have made me realize who is going to be there when I need them to be. I've had some friendships which have gotten so much stronger and developed new friendships that have so much more meaning than old friendships that haven't worked out. This recognition is important because I am so much more grateful to the people who have been looking out for me and helping me, even if it hasn't been realized.

2. Sometimes you have to say f*ck it and take to care of yourself first.

I didn't think about this enough when the semester started and now as the semester is ending I'm taking advantage of every possible moment that I have to take care of myself, or at least making attempts too. I waited a long time this semester to start taking care of my emotional well-being which is probably my biggest regret because I can literally see how my stress has effected me. My advice to any new TAs that may come across this post next year when they're looking for inspiration is to truly put yourself first- it's a hard skill to learn or relearn.

3. You have to be able to roll with whatever is thrown at you- sometimes it sucks but there are so many moments of true greatness.

I'm still working on it.

Generally, it sucked when I had to both groups in my one 1010 class redo the leadership and PR teams redo their Advocacy In Action presentations, because I had questioned whether or not I was giving clear directions. On the flip side of that one of the moments of greatness I experienced as a teacher was having both groups in my second class do extremely well. I have a good number if flipside examples like the one for 1010, but I think one of the tings that stuck out most to me was in 2140. There was one day where Kassie did her fallacies lecture which went really well. I'd been asked think about doing a lecture as well, but I wasn't feeling up to doing a lecture in front of about 125 people and I still don't think I want to do that just yet, but I had a student ask about a week later when I was doing my lecture. When I told them that I probably wouldn't be doing one they seemed disappointed which was another one of those things that I didn't expect, and I also didn't expect them to ask me to consider it. That was a moment of greatness because I had a student who is use to me facilitating activities and workdays want to sit through a potential lecture. I still don't think I want to but that encouragement definitely made an impact.

4. This community is something extremely valuable.

I said earlier that I'm grateful for the people that I realized I could count on. There are so many things going on at once in grad school and it's comforting to know that those struggles that come up can be worked through. This is were I need to say thank you to my peers and mentors in the programs for showing me why this community is valuable for if nothing else its own sake.

5. You learn to work while being exhausted and get really good at hiding that exhaustion from students really quick.

This is mostly with my 1010 classes where I'm able to hide the exhaustion from actually being tired from lack of sleep and from going in depth into some readings for my classes. Early in the semester I had a few students point out they thought I was tired but as the semester has gone on those instances definitely occur less. Thank god for full coverage concealer.

6. When you don't know how to handle something, the instructor team has got advice to share and support to give.

I've asked so many questions this semester to the second year and second semester TAs. These moments of questioning were extremely helpful because not only did the function as clarifying moments, I believe they also provided moments of insight which I think has probably helped me to develop my own pedagogy. In a similar sense, working through this semester with the insights of other first year TAs was also helpful to me and I would like to assume has been helpful to my peers as well.

7. Students are really something else.

I really don't know where to begin; the range of students I have this semester is so diverse. On one end of the spectrum I have a student who is the most meticulous person I've ever met and appreciate so much that they go above and beyond with every assignment because it makes my life so easy. And then there are those students who have made me have so many "what the" moments that I honestly don't know what to do, ex. today I logged onto canvas to see that my student who showed up to class 5 times so far this semester had completed two quizzes.

And there's been a lot of totally expected behavior where I recognize that students have been conditioned to perform tasks a certain way which looking back is probably why some many of my 1010 students were and still can be uncomfortable in discussion. But beyond that there were just a lot of unexpected things that happened: one of my students boldly mentioned to the class the university had shut off their internet for illegally downloading a game, I had another student ask two weeks in a row if they could leave my class early to go to work, I had a student who literally never caused me any trouble get suspended and a member of his group told me "something happened with the police" which of course the whole class heard and asked for either of us to "spill the tea"- obviously that's not going to be happening.

I've accepted that having students means you have to deal with the insanity that diversity in the classroom brings.

8. There are so many emotions.

Do you remember when I said I cried at my parent's neighbors party? Would you believe me if I said it wasn't the first time that week? It was the third time...

It wasn't all bad, I swear those are just... crying still makes me feel gross.

I can honestly say this semester was emotional by not just in the way that has stigma attached. It was emotional in that we had moments where we all enjoyed ourselves and being in each other's company--Halloween, we had moments where we experienced all the emotions associated with just not understanding, and we all were able to celebrate some little victories.

9.You need to have an I can do this attitude or you need to need to find ways fake this attitude until it becomes a reality.

10. I actually think I've got this!

It's nothing personal but I enjoyed those mother hen moments way more than the chicken little ones.

So We Talked About Hate Speech

Monday of this week in my 1010 classes we had a brief conversation about hate speech based on some students attending the extra credit event When Hate Comes To Campus. I had not originally planned to have this conversation until right before class when I noticed an extra credit submission. My though was that I could briefly mention that we were not aware of what would be said and what would be censored, and that if I had any students who had concerns that I could try to ease those concerns. In some ways I felt like I did that but I'm not sure how the overall conversation was received since I had quite a few minority students who didn't speak on the topic. 

In my first class, I had a student who attended the event who briefly touched on what they experienced and based on that recollection had students respond with a variety of questions about everything such as did the woman get fired and why would the university respond by providing counseling? That last question, was something I wasn't expecting because it came from a student who wasn't white. Honestly, as I'm sitting here writing this, I'm still trying to figure out how this response came up because it the student started laughing at the situation as a whole. 

At this point it was obvious that this conversation needed to be wrapped up to avoid causing any other students to feel like they were in a situation where oppression based on race was being reinforced. I made a choice that I'm standing by with my closing statement for this discussion: as a white person I do not have the authority to use the language used by the controversial speaker, and I think the same is true for other white people. From day one I've said that all voices, opinions, and people deserve respect, so I hope by making that closing I reinforced the idea that all people should be respected. 

I've been thinking about what critiques hooks and Freire would make about the original event and my choice to address the event and implications of the event in class. Does this fit their approaches by encouraging engagement and since it was one of the more lively discussions? I can recognize that by having this conversation oppression was reinforced by the fact that as the instructor I chose to bring up the conversation at all. My hope is that to some extent by engaging this discussion I played into hooks' idea that that showing care for students allows deeper learning. 

This instance has left me feeling somewhere on the mother hen and chicken little spectrum. I feel like I made strides towards being that person who has enough sense about them to protect student interests, but I think my privilege as a white person puts me in a state of ignorance. Is there anything else I could have or should have done or said in this situation to try to communicate to my students that whatever concerns they had or continue to have about the situation are valid?

What's With Fish (Week)

People told me October is usually hard and I don't necessarily feel like it is, but with that said I also have an exception to that statement- Fish week was absolutely exhausting. I was completely thrown off by certain things that happened over the course of the week which is weird for me to type out since there wasn't really anything specific that was off while I was teaching, and Monday was pretty much normal. Tuesday afternoon was the turning point and what I would actually say was a crash point, a point at which I had to deal with something involving a student that I wasn't completely prepared for, and I found myself concerned with that moment for the rest of the week.

I can boil the week down to a simple phrase: it was taxing. 

This last week was definitely one where I felt more like chicken little than mother hen, and it wasn't because of a lack planning (on the teaching side) or willingness to engage (as a student). I think the feeling came from trying to navigate how to move forward after an emotional interaction with my student because I kept finding myself thinking about how to help them at times when I wasn't in teacher mode or student mode. I often found myself worrying about the situation at times that seemed unnecessary especially since it wasn't an issue involving concerns for safety. 

Reading this someone might think "how does any of this relate to Fish?" In many ways that particular situation had no relation to Fish at all, but for whatever reason this situation had me thinking about certain aspects of Fish's pedagogy and some of his examples all week and I felt the need to do better. What do I mean by this? I mean I've recognized more so during the last week how getting to know students can be helpful when trying to help them through something they struggle with whereas Fish's examples seemed to put unnecessary pressure on instructor-student relationships. I looked at the example where Fish talks about throwing the book to get the point across and immediately thought that the example seemed too aggressive and also is not how to help someone who is struggling. Was the situation with my student different? 100% but I knew that my best bet was to adapt to the needs of my student instead of engaging in conversation that made them feel unheard or like they couldn't bring up concerns.

Fish's pedagogy includes a teach to test mentality, but there are some things that people can face as instructors that have nothing to do with the material the class is about. Fish would argue it's not the job of the instructor to teach those lessons, but personally I would disagree. I can name professors that I had during my undergraduate classes who have helped me understand how to be a productive learner or offered solutions when I felt uneasy about something, but if they had embraced the pedagogy that Fish suggests I'm not sure they would have made an impact. Those professors that did make an impact were able to help me piece together my thoughts in a way that was conducive to my learning which I'm grateful for. More than that, I would argue those experiences have given me insight for how to approach problems dealing with certain topics that I'm beginning to see more often.

As a student, a teacher, and in general as a person learning is taking place. I can recognize there are moments where I feel unprepared for whatever type of learning I have to adjust to, and even more where I feel prepared. The experiences I've had over the last week may have been exhausting however my hope is that moving forward I'm better prepared to deal with things that are unexpected, emotional, and significant. I can't say I'll embrace Fish's pedagogy to do this, but I can say I'm aware of it. My goal moving forward is to try to find a way to reframe the idea that the sky is falling as something to work out and work on.

It's Alive!!!

                        
I had a student come to class for the first time in weeks (late but still) and ask what we were doing after I'd given instructions about what to do so we could jump into impromptu presentations. Yes there was a setback, but something more meaningful happened- I saw increased engagement. I noticed multiple students jump in and provide answers before I had the opportunity to collect my thoughts and try to sum up all that was missed leading up to today. For the first time I saw students in my first 1010 class (of the day) have actual conversations with one another without being prompted, and we were still able to start presentations on time!

The class got better as each person got up to do their presentation as well. For most of them today was the first time they had spoken aloud to the whole class and had confidence, or at least faked their way through it. I had made a note of those individuals who shared they had high public speaking anxiety, and even they were able to use the tools that we talked about to give an effective presentation. Today I saw active learning in my classroom instead of in written assignments because each student was able to apply their personal opinions to the speech topics and create outlines using the organizational tools we talked about in class last week.

Leading up to today I had really thought that, for the most part, I had an almost completely detached class since the same 3 or 4 people usually gather the courage to verbally express how they are connecting to the material. Not only was I proven wrong today but I saw life that I hadn't seen before-- I don't think I've ever been so content with being proven wrong. I sat in the back of the classroom while each student stood in front of their peers and delivered content, personality, and life. I heard each of them loud and clear!

There was preparation. There was awareness of social cues. There were students in the audience acting as encouraging bodies. There was application of material to personal anecdotes!

My students showed me how well they were able to apply the material to personal experiences, and I was able to make a note of some of those moments to connect them to future class activities. Not only were my student showing me how they were actively learning, I was able to recognize this with myself when I was taking mental notes planning to incorporate some student examples into future lessons.

As I'm sitting here typing this I just keep thinking to myself "they did the thing!"  I would have loved for this to happen earlier in the semester, but if they at least keep rolling with how they did today I feel confident that each one of my students will be prepared for their next semester, especially those of them who are comm studies majors.

Today was a win. It was the first that I was able to sit back and feel almost completely like there was almost nothing to be concerned about. For the first time this semester, my 12 o'clock 1010 class made me feel like i the sky wouldn't be falling meaning I wouldn't (hopefully won't) be having a bunch of students coming at me at the end of the semester asking how to improve their grades at the last minute, especially for participation. I think I've got this!

Too Much Or Not Enough?

Over the last few weeks I've been leaving some pretty extensive comments on assignments for some of my students to try to help them out in completing other assignments. However, over the last two weeks I found myself questioning if the feedback that I left online is more than enough or if I'm not leaving enough feedback that my students understand. I've found myself questioning if I should reduce the length of feedback and let my students know I'd be willing to have conversations with them about how to improve in the future. The last two weeks during 2140 recitation, I noticed a handful of students who had completely ignored feedback left on assignments leading up to the editorial speeches. In some ways I felt kind of defeated but in others I was trying to figure out how to adjust the feedback for these students in the future. I looked back on Dannels's comments in 8 Essential Questions Teachers Ask about the amount of feedback to give to students to find some perspective.

According to Dannels (2015, p.188), the quantity of feedback is not the important thing, the important thing is leaving feedback which helps students to develop their learning. So, how do I leave feedback that is effective for the students who chose no to utilize it leading up to an assignment worth a significant part of their grade? I want all of my students to feel as though they are being given feedback that is helpful, but when the feedback is ignored I have a hard time trying to find the happy middle ground where all my students feel like they are being given information that makes sense. One of the solutions Dannels offers is to have students write out a paragraph summary for how they incorporated feedback into their assignments, and it could be useful but I have some concerns-specifically with students who are just in class to pass.

If a student is just taking the class with the aim of getting a passing grade how important is it to provide lengthy feedback? I want to be consistent with grading and feedback, and what seems to help most of my engaged students is having a lot of feedback to go off of. Do I change they way I present feedback to my students who don't pay attention? Do those students need more or less feedback? The issue in some ways feels like I'm dealing with a different situation entirely.

The experience is different with the 1010 classes I'm teaching since so far I feel like most of the constructive feedback I've given is on their written assignments whereas in class I've been trying to build up community within the class to get students feeling comfortable enough to engage more than through activities that do not require speaking. My 1010 students are beginning to open up more and ask questions which allows me to give more verbal feedback that could be useful to the class as a whole so I see that as a success. I think the saving grace thing here is that most of my students seem to be making strides and are more willing to interact which is really my main concern and I feel like throughout the semester I have been encouraging and recognizing the improvement, especially through nonverbals.

In general I feel pretty good about where my students are going, but I also feel like I have to find a way to manage my expectations differently for certain students which is something I'm not a fan of doing. If I were to to describe the feeling it is somewhere between feeling like I've got it together (and this is the more prevalent feeling) and feeling like I'm going to be dealing with panic later on; the feeling is more mother hen than chicken little.