#TeachingWhileNeurodivergent: When You Fail To Connect

 From the first Monday of the semester when I met with my students I was disturbed about their silence and their lack of engagement. But, I thought it was me, maybe I was just too nervous or too intense (normal states of being for me, of course, but my off-putting self was new to them). 

So, I got another classroom when the room I was in only had 13 desks when I had 15 students, and I tried to figure out ways to engage them. I started adding communication and grammar jokes and memes to my slide shows to start with an icebreaker, and an inspirational quote at the end of the slides. I've delivered with enthusiasm and tried to draw them out.

Now, when I had the conversation of "please just at least give me a nod or a shake of the head" after the fourth or fifth week, they began actually using those nonverbal cues. But getting a verbal cue out of them has been like leading my horses to water and trying to make the drink. Which, if you listen to the idiom, they won't drink, and I know this.

But it is hard to stay enthused about teaching, and it is hard to justify putting my heart into a lesson I know my students won't appreciate, or finding the documents for an activity I know they'll do the bare minimum of participating in, if they participate at all. I know that communication scholarship is, at this point, probably a special subject for me, and my interest and excitement for it is not normal or neurotypical. Even if my students were Communication Studies majors, which most of them aren't, I know I'm still probably abnormal. But I also know my neurotypical colleagues would also expect communication out of students in a communication class. And I am very tired of having to buoy myself with the thought, "At least my Wednesday students will hopefully appreciate this". 

I set aside a large amount of time to do the COVID-safe version of the Crossing The Line Activity, maybe more than I needed. I did the Privilege Walk twice in undergrad and the experience was moving both times, so I was eager and excited. But by the end of the class, all the wind was taken out of my sails. They complied with the activity, but all but outright refused to engage in a discussion, even after I gave them 5 minutes for a minute paper to gather their thoughts.

Frustrated, I started loading names into a spinner to randomly pick people, after I warned them that I would have to start cold-calling after sitting in silence and reframing questions, didn't work. But before I clicked the button to spin, it struck me: I was about to do one of the things I hate as a student: punishing the whole class regardless of the fact that some hadn't disobeyed. Indeed, I'd had two or three students actually make small contributions. This wasn't a pedagogical choice I wanted to make. As a neurodivergent person, I know there are many reasons why people choose not to speak, and furthermore, I understand how painful humiliation and embarrassment could be. How could I put that pain on my students? 

I couldn't do it.

So I stopped, explained to my students that there was an expectation that they participate in the class, that it was in the syllabus and furthermore this is a communication class, so to do the act of communication in class was important, and that when we communicate and discuss it enhances their learning and understanding. I told them I understood there was a myriad of reasons that I listed that might be their justification for not talking, but their participation grades were still suffering. And then I dismissed them, because I couldn't stand to look at them anymore. I wasn't even angry through all of this. I was just tired and discouraged.

I'm still discouraged, because I know I'm not a good enough teacher to fix the situation. They will continue coming into class and not caring to participate, and I will keep asking questions to the air, and sometimes answering my own question as if I'm Dora or something. I know I didn't get through to them, in any way, shape, or form. Maybe a neurotypical person or a better teacher would be able to connect, but I'm not either of those things, and it's draining to pretend that I am. 

I don't have anything hopeful to end this with. I'm just sad. And tired.