I think I’ve mentioned before that I’ve been a little overwhelmed with life. I think that it’s hard to live in society right now. I think that surviving is hard enough given the rise of fascism and white supremacy in the US…let alone surviving grad school during a pandemic. I’m really enjoying grad school because of the people that I’m meeting and powerful things that I’m learning. There have been many moments of joy in this semester!
At the same time, imposter syndrome is so real—especially
when I’m feeling overwhelmed with assignments. It reminds me of Dewey’s
analysis of miseducational experiences or experiences that close one off from
learning in the future. Over the last 2 weeks in particular, I’ve really
started questioning if graduate school is the place for me and what my role is
within the academy. To put it simply, as the semester progresses, the frequency
to which I don’t like my (academic) life has increased. Palmer did a great job
explaining that there is a paradox in teaching and how humans are living
contradictions. Maybe I just need to get more used to struggling through
concepts and theories. Or maybe this isn’t really the place for me.
During our last peer mentoring meeting we were expected to have a writing session. This really felt like another thing to do when I first gotten the email, but I tried to stay positive since I very much enjoy the presence and thoughts of my group members. During our meeting, I felt a lot of joy and validation by my group members because they also shared how they were struggling in different classes. We struggled together as we tried to complete our various assignments and shared our insights on how we can support each other as a collective. Maybe struggling is part of the graduate student process.
After our meeting ended, I realized that, during my class’s
meeting time, I usually enjoy the content of the class. Engaging in discussions
about the material and sharing our thoughts in writing and in-person is
something gives me a sense of community. It does make sense that the struggle
of becoming an academic is difficult because it’s a messy search for truth.
Education, as an experiential process, is powerful because I’m starting to see
networks of kinship form throughout my classes—it refutes my imposter syndrome
and makes me feel like I do belong in this space. Maybe I should
#trusttheprocess.
So, while my paper proposals, like my life, are a hot mess,
maybe that’s what it means to be alive. The struggle to live is contentious and
can be dire, but the struggle for an education is worthwhile and the
connections that it brings is what helps give my life purpose. The academy is
hardened by a history of exclusion but when marginalized academics fight for
their space within the university, I think it mirrors how waves crash over
rocks. Eventually, the rocks give way and are formed by the waves.
#DecolonizeEducation
Hi Kinny,
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your feelings throughout the October grad school season. I can agree that the word "surviving" really hones in on how everything feels within grad school, or rather even the world right now.
Also, I can definitely relate to imposter syndrome. I remember mentioning to a few peers that "I feel like everyone believes in me besides myself. Am I even capable?" The battle of enjoying academia and attempting to make our way through.
In some moments, we humans can forget that we can feel too. And support from peers comes a long way in relating to the messiness of the world. That learning involves the challenges and pains to break previous tensions, as Hooks mentioned and see challenges as growth. We shall get through, my friend. Until then, I'm always rooting for you, Kinny.
Hey Kinny,
ReplyDeleteFirst, I would like to start off by saying that I completely relate to the struggles that you are talking about. My project proposal too is a host mess. I think that one thing that stood out to me within this particular blog post verses your other posts was the fact of vulnerability that bell hooks addresses in her book. You are allowing yourself to feel which is important.
Second, I would like to point out that you are doing amazing. Among everything that is going on in the world and being in a new program, you are still "surviving", and that is something to commend yourself for! Coming into this program, I had heard from many of people that would say that the program was hard, there is busy work, and that there are too many assignments, but I was a bit naive and did not believe that it was true. However, the constant feeling of imposter syndrome is a large for many of us in the department currently.
Finally, part of acknowledging that you are doing a good job and the best that you can, is allow yourself to take time out of your busy schedule to do something that is selfish. I am talking about self-care. If you have not read my most recent blog or do not have the time to, I am linking an article here: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/coronavirus/in-depth/mental-health-covid-19/art-20482731. Take time to take care of yourself physically and mentally. You are smart and valid!
-Alyx
Hey Kinny,
ReplyDeleteThis was an amazing blog post! Please hear me loud and clear when I say: ***You are meant to be in graduate school!*** Graduate school is absolutely a struggle, and I have experienced imposter syndrome a lot recently. However, as my friends Mark Congdon and Lily Herakova (2018) say, peer mentoring is a community-building activity and our group sustains me. Your feelings about fighting to stay in the academy are completely valid. I have had similar experiences in that graduate school is harder some days than others, and I have struggled with imposter syndrome too. However, you have helped me by just always listening to me and validating me. Thank you for that. I often do not give myself a lot of time to just reflect, which is something I am trying to work on.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts, and I'm excited to read more!