Let's be real - the discussion about end of semester evaluations in pedagogy had me down. If it isn't enough to constantly inflict self-torture as a product of my stereotype vulnerability, I also have to face the parrel of SPOT evaluations that are proven to be discriminatory in nature. The discussion stemming from Bain's words on evaluations triggered me to replay a comment I just so happened to hear from a student in my 2020 class - "she scares me."
To be fair, to be black to many is to be scary. Add in a role that offers some level of authority, a deep understanding for a body of information, and the natural power distance of a college classroom and you have - me, a black woman who happens to be a TA, with a desire to share my knowledge of communication who just so happens to be standing in front (literally) of 27 very unfamiliar faces. Danell's addresses race when it comes to the perception your students will have of you, however, I failed to extend this advice to a truth that I know all too well - black women who are assertive are scary.
Although I have no historical knowledge of where this belief comes from, it has followed me throughout my life and I know it will be an ever-looming theme. I raise this point to say, although my student may believe "she scares me", it is me who is scared. Scared to fail not just my students, but myself, my family, and my people.
Palmer addresses the importance of fear and being reflexive especially when it comes to looking with yourself as a teacher. Upon reflection, I realize my assertiveness and fear come from a place of genuine care for the art of teaching. I am assertive (or to my student scary) because I am confident I have the ability to expand their knowledge of communication and I (although to some determent) have a commitment to doing so no matter how painful or forceful it may be. I am scared because I not only have others watching me but understand the seriousness of my position and commitment to my students.
Although this feedback was unsolicited and premature, as the halfway point of the semester approached, it gave me the confidence to solicit feedback from my students regarding what is going well and things I can improve upon. The student's responses across all sections were similar to how some people view vegetables - overall undesirable but an excellent source of nourishment for those who ingest them.
Improvements, such as slowing down on the slide deck or giving clear instructions for those who come when activities have already started, were undesirable but insightful as I finally had a window to those I felt disconnected with. The things that went well for students were equally as insightful but particularly nourishing as I finally had confirmation that for the last 8 weeks I have not been making a complete fool of myself. There were notes about making quiet students feel comfortable, incorporating interesting information, and creating a classroom environment that is supportive and non-judgemental.
I now realize that all the things that students enjoyed, were things that took serious effort to achieve and were very scary to employ. I wasn't sure if letting students ease into the discussion was right. I wasn't sure if incorporating information related to the topics but beyond the scope of the topic would please my students. I definitely didn't know that by being my authentic self I would create a classroom climate worth noting.
My favorite among all the feedback was "the vibes r just hitting". I couldn't have said it better myself. The vibes are hitting indeed my young scholar, they are hitting so well I wake up each Monday morning with deep intention and motivation to get in front of my favorite most unfamiliar faces. I have no technique, no scholarly pedagogical philosophy like Dewey or Freire but I care and my care makes me scared. Lucky for Ms.WittheS%!# - the recipe for good vibes is a lot of caring with a dash of scare. And if nothing good comes from SPOT evaluations I know I can revel in the fact that SPOT evaluations don't measure vibes.
Felicity-
ReplyDeleteI would like to start by thanking you for sharing your experience and insights. Also, LOL at the vegetable example. I happen to love vegetables.
I think this post speaks to your pedagogy in meaningful ways. Though experiencing fear is at best, uncomfortable, and at worst, crippling, fear is ultimately what motivates us to care. I also experience fear in multiple aspects, fear of letting down my students, but also fear of letting myself down and fear of letting my family down. As you stated, what gives us the most fear in the classroom can ultimately result in the most enjoyable aspect of the classroom for some students. I think this conversation would please Palmer - the realization that sometimes the most important and enjoyable parts of the classroom is determined by our authentic selves and our willingness to engage with our students in significant ways.