As a teacher, feedback to students is embedded in the practice and a constructive tool that contributes to their learning; however, this semester we have learned from the testimonies of Karen Anderson-Lain to the work of Ken Bain that feedback from our students is a constructive tool for us in order to grow as well. This week, I learned that firsthand. Although this week consisted of rainy skies and my teary eyes, I managed to find a LIT moment with one of my students; a moment of learning for both of us that I am grateful for.
This last week, I began feeling very disappointed in my COMM 2060 (Performance of Literature) students as most of them collectively set low expectations for themselves, ask me outlandish hypothetical questions regarding doing poorly on assignments so they can prepare for failure, and they are always ready to put in minimal effort with each passing assignment. I understand that this class is new and nerve-racking for many students; therefore, from the very beginning of the semester I did my best to create an open, accepting, and energetic environment in which everyone would feel comfortable speaking up and performing in. However, lately I have been feeling as though I may have failed to establish that I mean serious business while enjoying the class simultaneously. Week by week, it has been pulling teeth to get some of them off of their phones, to turn in their assignments, and to do their assignments correctly. However, when they do participate, they thank me and state that my explanations and activities are very helpful. Like, can't they just always be like that?
Today, I came into class with a major headache and low patience for any bullshit from my students. I spent the entire class answering their questions about the upcoming performance and concerns regarding previous grades. I did whatever I could to help them including giving them MANY second chances, extensive feedback, and even extensions for important assignments. I told them that despite the last few weeks, I will not tolerate any bullshit or half-assed work for the next major performance and dramatic analysis paper. My students gave me looks of fear, and said they understood. At the end of the class, they thanked me and left; however, I felt emotionally exhausted and like I have been too easy on them. I had been feeling this way for some time.
As I was walking out, one of my students stopped me. He asked me if he could ask me some questions about the paper, and if he could give me his opinion about something. After I said yes, he said "I think you are doing a great job. You are a damn good TA and we all love you. It's just.... it gets to a point where you have to draw a line in your graciousness and stand your ground or people will take advantage of how nice you are and how much you want to help us." After he said that, I paused for a second. I reflected on how I have been feeling, and even thought about how this was not an issue at all in my COMM 1010 class. I realized then that I was holding their hands because I did not want them to fail as this class was uncomfortable for a lot of people; however, I realized that my graciousness and blue heart had set the precedent so that many of my students could take advantage of me. After I had a moment of reflection and thanked my student for his honesty, I helped him mentally process his analysis paper.
As Palmer stated in his book, "The Courage to Teach," teaching is heart work and "teaching holds a mirror to the soul" (p. 3). From our week in Pedagogy with Palmer, I learned a few things: Palmer is MY MAN, I feel emotionally exhausted from teaching COMM 2060 because I am putting too much of my heart in to it, and that since teaching is a mirror of the soul, my value of empathy was being reflected to my students. In other words, I am teaching them who I am: someone who cares deeply for others' and their success, and will put others' happiness before their own. I have always been a huge feeler and too caring for my own good. Although having empathy is my greatest strength, it is also my greatest weakness.
This conversation in conjunction with Palmer's text constituted a critical teaching moment for me. Talking with my student both confirmed my feelings, taught me the significance of student feedback, and he helped me see that I did need to implement some changes. Although most parts of my week were crowded with stress and cloudy skies, this was certainly an enlightening moment, or a LIT moment if you will. I now know that my tendency to be too gracious comes from good intention and care for others; however, this can be harmful to me in the classroom. From my wonderful student's constructive feedback, I saw the importance of student feedback first-hand, I confirmed my fears, I am now more than ready to make changes to improve myself and my class, and I feel confident in my abilities as a teacher. After all, self-reflexivity is what the best college teachers do!
#It'sMADLit
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