I’m somewhat in disbelief about the fact that this is
the tenth week of school. That means that I have nine weeks of grad school
under my belt. Nine weeks of learning, or at least trying to learn, how to
balance school, work, and a social life. (what’s that?) This half of the
semester has been unlike anything I could’ve expected. People warned me that
grad school was crazy, and I kept hearing “oh man just wait until October.” But as much as I’ve been dealing with this chaotic month, I’ve found pockets of
relief throughout. I’ve been reflecting a lot about where I began some ten
weeks ago. At the beginning of this year, so many things seemed frightening. The
idea of grading intimidated me, controlling a classroom for 50
minutes seemed terrifying, and the idea impromptu speeches was daunting to me.
But ten weeks later I now have a different outlook on all of these things. Dare
I say that I’ve almost survived the dreaded October??
Looking back on these past ten weeks, I noticed a
transitional point concerning my outlook within the classroom. When the time of
impromptu speeches came around, I was optimistic and hopeful that my students
would do well. While some excelled in their organization and delivery of their
speeches, others fell short of this. I came to the realization that I was going
to have to fail some of my students. *yikes* Obviously, I knew this would be
the case throughout my time as a TA, but the reality of my position truly hit
when listening to those less than exceptional speeches.
I was talking to my dad about my student’s speeches,
and I was sharing with him the trouble I was having with grading. I was
explaining that I almost felt bad failing some students because I’ve never been in
this position before. I had been a history tutor back in my undergrad for 2
years, but that didn’t involve me grading students. This was new
territory for me. I wanted my students to do well and pass their assignments. My
dad then asked me, “do you care about your students liking you or your
students learning and being challenged?” I knew the right answer. I knew my
role didn’t guarantee that I would be liked. I slowly realized that I was looking at myself as the "bad guy" now.
And then I had a lightbulb moment.
All of these worries and concerns boiled down to this
one idea- I wanted my students to like me. I’ve come to the realization the Palmer
was right when he talks about the notion of being liked in the classroom. He notes,
“the fear I want to get rid of is rooted in my need to be popular with young
people- a need that may be endemic among people who become teachers but one
that keeps us from serving our students well” (p. 50). Man, oh man did this
ring true for me. I knew I needed to rid myself of the mentality of wanting my
students to like me. I knew I would encounter students who didn’t like my
teaching approach or those who were completely disengaged from the class in
general. How would I be a good educator if I was focused on if my students liked me or not?
Of course, I want my students to like me, but I realized
I had been blurring the notion of being liked and being respected. I realized I needed
to understand this distinction in order to move forward with my position in the
classroom. I want my students to respect the decisions I make in the classroom; whether that's what I lecture on, what activities we do, or how I grade assignments. If this were a movie,
this would’ve been the scene where I’d pick myself up by the bootstraps and had
a montage playing behind me that showed my shifting mentality. *Cue respect by Aretha Franklin* Despite the lack
of background music, I saw this as a transitional point in my teaching
perspective.
Yes, some of my students failed their impromptu speech.
Yes, I gave them that grade. And yes, I’m okay if they don’t like me because of
it. I have high expectations for my students. I want them to do well and earn
their grades. Hence, why I offfered redos yet the majority did not take advantage of them. I’m not going to pass them because I feel guilty or bad for
failing them. I want to hold them at high expectations and help them get there.
It wouldn’t be fair to myself or them if I simply handed out passing grades. I am choosing to serve them well by letting go of the notion of being liked and holding them to the expectations I'm confident they can reach.
I know this is just the beginning of my time teaching
students throughout these next 2 years. I’m glad Palmer and my dad could assist
in helping me navigate through my perspectives on grading and teaching.
#andthatstheT
Gabby -
ReplyDeleteYou touch on something that truly resonated with me and I see traces of in your post - Palmer's understanding that not not all gratification in teaching will be immediate. I, myself, have found that all though I did not immediately appreciate the things some of my most meaningful instructors were doing, upon reflection I realize their teaching and commitment to learning was impactful.
I know your students - especially those who don't immediately, will appreciate the care you take to your teaching and the dedication you have to your students learning. Always remember - you are not judging your work but instead providing feedback to improve it. Keep up the good work!
P.s. Ten weeks under our belts or ten weeks over our heads?
Gabby, I think the battle between being liked and sticking to that my choices and grading is all for their benefit, whether they like it or not, is something all of us have experienced! The way I worked through that is being relatable in the class, doing fun activities, and using examples that show my humor and "with-it-ness," yet I still had the same fear when I had to fail people in my COMM 2060 course. At the end of the day, you know what you're doing is because they earned it, and it's like you said, you offered redos and they didn't take the offer!
ReplyDeleteOverall, I think your reflexivity here is what is to be noted. The fact that you care so much and take time to reflect on how you're doing and evaluate how you're being treated in the class (as far as being respected) shows how much you care, and shows that you are meant to be where you are!
Gabby-
ReplyDeleteAs a COMM 3010 TA, I can really relate to your situation. As the semester has gone on, I have failed multiple students in my squad, some more than once. And every time one of my students receives a failing grade from me, I dread the day I have to hand back their papers. I, too, want my squad to like me. Or at the very least, I don't want them to hate me! In my own experience and from advice of other COMM 3010 TA's, we do not give students grades, they earn them. I try to remind myself that when I have to write down the failing grade on their papers.
I think Palmer sums up our fear of being unliked as TA's perfectly. Ultimately, though we may wish to be liked by all of our students, it should not be our primary concern as their instructors. I also share your high expectations of students, I want my students to not only learn, but to succeed. To serve our students well, sometimes we have to be the bearer of failed grades - but this does not mean our job stops there. We are also bearers of support, help, and advice to our students. We have the ability to guide them in their improvement, and I find hope in that.
Hello Gabby,
ReplyDeleteI listened to “Respect” by Otis Redding and “Respect” by Aretha Franklin in coming up with a reply to your response. In fact, I honestly listened to each of them a few times and I recommend it, if you haven’t already, to listen to Redding’s version. I found the contrast between the two mirrored the versatility and creativity of all the 1010 TAs (though all TAs in our department are likely included). We all start, for the most part, with the same directions for the week and we are able to produce whatever lesson plan we desire. It's pretty interesting how different or similar our class days are. I just wish I could sit in on every single person's class. I know I could learn a lot.
It’s a bit of a reach, but I did a bit of digging on Franklin’s version of the song. She was pretty innovative with it as it sounds like you are being with your class. Instead of handing out passing grades, you want them to work, succeed, and achieve higher levels of work. Given, this is a starter class for many of them, you are really setting them up well for the future by assessing them more honestly. I have had professors that have had varying levels of assessment, but I think the ones who were a bit tougher inspired me more, in some ways anyway.
Have you learned how to balance school, work, and a social life this semester? I don’t think I have, if anything, that balance didn’t quite come. It didn’t come in the way I wanted it to, at least. Yet, to be upright for me is enough...for now. Have you found that your relationship with your students has changed in the couple of weeks since this post? I found it interesting that most of my 1010 students have not questioned their grades with me. I have recently had students from another course approach me about grades, within the last week. Being approached about a grade is one of the things I wondered/mildly worried about during the semester because I wasn’t sure if I would know how to respond to a student about it.
For some students too, failure is what they need in order to get the fire under them to do better. Sometimes, we have to be the one to provide that.
Respectfully,
Ciel