That pretty much sums it up. Needless to say, I found Palmer's sentiment of "teaching who you are" as appealing as a sour War Head stuck in the back of my throat. I get it, I'm being pessimistic, but understand why I'm struggling with my own identity within the classroom.
Students in my first class show an intense interest in anime, screamo music, and hunting. Words cannot express how disinterested I am, and boy am I bad at hiding it. I tried desperately to show media clips of things semi related to their interests, all while making loose connections to the course material. I reflected on my instructing and concluded I was doing a poor job of explaining concepts. New game plan: self disclose and connect course concepts. FAIL. While conducting a CAT, one of my students wrote "I could give a shit about your family". WELP, back to the drawing board. Lecture at them. Beat the concepts into their head, and make them wish they've never been born. Ironically enough, torturing them has been the most effective strategy. They hate me, and I can't blame them. Palmer (2007) stated "We teach who we are" (pg. 18). Well, I guess I'm an asshole.
I know, I'm being dramatic. Trying to relate to my students has exhausted me, and I'm just about ready to give up. If what Palmer says about teaching being at an intersection of personal and public life, how on earth can I call myself a teacher? I am unable to connect with my students on any personal level, and I feel like they're struggling with concepts because of this inability. Most importantly, I'm frustrated because I'm constantly reflecting on my instruction, which is exactly what Palmer preaches. I look at where I've been and where I'm going, and I can't help think that it'll be up in flames. At this point, I'm hoping for some kind of miracle. All I can do is get feedback and hope for some connection that will get me through this semester.
#HELPme
I appreciate your honesty. Trying to connect to a class that is disengaged is so hard. Sometimes you just keep trying and trying and don't see the pay off in the moment. The irony that you have succeed in giving them a common enemy to bond against is a bit bitter sweet. Chin up, fight the good fight, the semester is almost over and you will get to try again with a new group of students. --kal
ReplyDeleteCotton, omg. You're blogger voice is amazing. LOL. But seriously, I have class that has bonded against me too, and it's okay. I've been really careful with my non-verbals for a couple weeks now, and checked my level of frustration when students were... f-ing frustrating. At this point I just keep expecting them to be woke humans again and again; if I don't(and I didn't at first), there's absolutely NO chance I will get anything but animosity. Every class I stand up there and attempt a horizontal dialog(as I understand that concept at the time) again, and again. I don't know if this helps or not, but Karen's right. It's almost over and the way I see it that means five???-ish more weeks of being an example of how one should act in a tough situation. Hey! There's always Karma.
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