What Am I Doing?

As my first official blog (aren't you proud?), I'd like you all to visualize how my semester is going with my classes.

That pretty much sums it up. Needless to say, I found Palmer's sentiment of "teaching who you are" as appealing as a sour War Head stuck in the back of my throat. I get it, I'm being pessimistic, but understand why I'm struggling with my own identity within the classroom.

Students in my first class show an intense interest in anime, screamo music, and hunting. Words cannot express how disinterested I am, and boy am I bad at hiding it. I tried desperately to show media clips of things semi related to their interests, all while making loose connections to the course material. I reflected on my instructing and concluded I was doing a poor job of explaining concepts. New game plan: self disclose and connect course concepts. FAIL. While conducting a CAT, one of my students wrote "I could give a shit about your family". WELP, back to the drawing board. Lecture at them. Beat the concepts into their head, and make them wish they've never been born. Ironically enough, torturing them has been the most effective strategy. They hate me, and I can't blame them. Palmer (2007) stated "We teach who we are" (pg. 18). Well, I guess I'm an asshole.

I know, I'm being dramatic. Trying to relate to my students has exhausted me, and I'm just about ready to give up. If what Palmer says about teaching being at an intersection of personal and public life, how on earth can I call myself a teacher? I am unable to connect with my students on any personal level, and I feel like they're struggling with concepts because of this inability. Most importantly, I'm frustrated because I'm constantly reflecting on my instruction, which is exactly what Palmer preaches. I look at where I've been and where I'm going, and I can't help think that it'll be up in flames. At this point, I'm hoping for some kind of miracle. All I can do is get feedback and hope for some connection that will get me through this semester.

#HELPme

nascent suspicions

Hello, fellow teens!

Good gosh golly! Wow! It sure that time in the semester when students realize, sometimes for the second or tenth time, that there is a certain amount of effort required to keep hanging out in academia. No matter how many of my students have stopped me in the halls (Six!!!!) or written during feedback sessions in class that they appreciate my lectures/discussions or my humor or commitment or whatever, at LEAST as many come up to complain when a due date has passed. No matter how many times I asked my sections when their speech outlines or dramatic analyses were due, a few managed to forget, or spend more time crafting excuses than they spent on the actual assignment. I started to crack a little last week, and began to spiral towards two nascent but terrifying suspicions - that I wasn't doing my job right, and that these students were not worth my time.

Look, I get it. I'm as guilty as anyone of feeling the way some of these students do - maybe enjoying the act of going to school but definitely appreciating my free time. It's been a while since I've felt that way, though! I think I've made it nearly 24 hours.

At the beginning of the semester I made a pact with myself, signed in blood(&honey), that I would never forget how disengaged a student I was before finding the COMM department. For a long, long time, school was just something I did because that's the age at which I was supposed to do school. Then three of my grandparents died within six months of each other, and it got worse. I dropped out for a year, wallowed in the nothing, and even when I went back to finish up my community college degree I could barely care. I am acutely aware how rare it is to find, as I did, a major that completely flips one's attitude towards school. With the stress of these last few weeks however, I started to slip. I forgot; and in forgetting, students began to resemble quicksand rather than people for a brief time.

I can echo the sentiment some of you have had regarding Palmer - while his prose may be purple, his content and attitudes affected me in a significant way. In a moment of (hang on, gonna flip a quarter real quick. Heads is reflexivity, tails is self-actualization. Okay, got it) self-actualization and re-membering, reading Palmer's attitudes on attitude led me inward. I looked at all the malaise and ennui that dominated so much of my education, and was able to once again compartmentalize and understand that mindset in relation to my students. When I re-realized that I must have been the student from SuperDuperhell at certain points, the clouds lifted, just a bit.

Having said this, I should clarify that this idea of understanding is absolutely Not meant to indicate that teachers should be pushovers - to understand is not the same thing as to acquiesce. I'm not giving full credit to those turning things in late, no matter how much they try and warp the situation so it's somehow my fault. To give the benefit of the doubt does not inherently lead to extending due dates or making (undue) accommodations. To understand is to remember that these hungry baby birds are people too.

Truer than true

Our heart...such a critical, delicate, and crucial organ. Our hearts are intricately constructed and must be taken care of. To this I say, we cannot be heartless.

Our hearts are created with four chambers that each do their part for the whole heart (and body) to work.  The right side of the heart pumps blood to the lungs and brings in oxygen. Then, the left side of the heart pumps the oxygenated blood out to the rest of your body. On top of the functionality of our heart, we connect our emotions to our heart. HOW AMAZING.

Wholeness

Just like our heart, Palmer (2007) explains that as teachers and students, we work as one.  We work together to create the “profound truth” and we only do this by embracing it as “both-and”, not “either-or”. Try to follow my thought process here...the chambers of our heart work together, and that work impacts our whole body. If we (teachers and students) work together to create the truth, then we can influence the world.

“What I want is a richer, more paradoxical model of teaching and learning than binary thought allows, a model that reveals how the paradox of thinking and feeling are joined- whether we are comfortable with paradox or not.”  (Palmer, 2007, p. 66)

YES, the feels people! I know for many of us, that is difficult to wrap our heads around.  Our heart is a real thing, that not only needs to work, but it needs to be cared for. Not trying to get all “deep” or flowery here, but this goes for you as a teacher – take care of yourself, and secondly, take care of your students – within your limits (obviously).

Taking care of yourself

BE YOU. Don’t try to mold yourself to be someone else. Once a student in class told me, “you be you, because only you can be the best you.” Yes, that is a beyond wordy sentence, but when you take it apart and really think about it…how true is that. Only YOU can be the best you.

“As we learn more about who we are, we can learn techniques that reveal rather than conceal the personhood from which good teaching comes.” (Palmer, 2007, p. 25)

Be authentic! It is difficult to allow yourself to be vulnerable to your students (because fear is a real emotion that we face), but life is a continuous learning process. The sooner you accept this, the happier (and less stressed) you will be with yourself and your teaching.

We are never in the same stage in life, and our identity is continuously changing.  You can run, but you can't hide. 

Basically, what I am saying is no matter which way you look at it, teaching is about heart work. Be true to yourself, be fearless, and "re-member" you are continuously learning.

#heartwork #thefeels #youdoyou

"The Student from Hell is not born that way but is created by conditions beyond his or her control.  Yes, one or two of them may have been sent here directly by Satan to destroy Western civilization as we know and love it.  But this particular student-- whose plight represents many other-- forced me into a deeper understanding of the student condition, one that is slowly transforming the way I teach" (Palmer, 2007, p.45).

As everyone may be somewhat aware, I have had a student from hell this semester.  As Palmer stated, the student is not born this way, but morphed into the way he or she is because of outside circumstances.  This is something I have had to keep in mind while teaching one of my 1010 sections.  I am frustrated and sad because the situation is out of my control.  This is frustrating on my end because I feel as though my classroom lost the "safe" aspect which then makes me sad.

My student from hell started off normally and was overall an active participant in class.  And then because of outside circumstances, that even I am not aware of, affected the students' participation and overall demeanor in class.  During this time, I felt scared and overall I did not understand what to do.  A specific time that scared me was during an after class talk with the student from hell.  During this talk, the student straight forwardly stated "I don't appreciate you calling the dean of students on me".  This scared the s*** out of me because in that moment I did not know what to say and I blamed myself for letting the situation escalate to that point.

Reading Palmer was tough for me because of all the feelings (<-- my version of the f-word).  However, looking past the fluff, I found that Palmer was helpful when discussing this student from hell.  Specifically, I really needed to hear that the student from hell isn't acting that way because of me directly.  The student from hell is just acting out and does not fully comprehend how to handle the outside aspects in their life.  It is not directly correlated with my class or my teaching style.  This was an internal struggle for me but once I communicated the situation to others, I found the help I needed and also received support and help.  I appreciate y'all:)  #youdoyou
via GIPHY

tHe misunderstood StUdEnT fRoM hElL

"Students are marginalized people in our society.
The silence that we face in the classroom is the
silence that has always been adopted by people
on the margin - people who have reason to fear
those in power and have learned that there is safety
in not speaking." (Palmer, 2007, p. 45)

A lot of assignments in class are hard for me to accomplish/relate to because, at the moment, I don't teach. I'm a debate coach, so I have the privilege of dealing with students that generally want to be there (although, not always the case). But when I do start to teach, what do I do with the student from hell? You know, the student that's passive, bored, inactive, and seemingly cares about nothing but getting out of the classroom as soon as possible? More specifically how do we engage with students of color who have been told their voices are not as important as their peers because of hegemonic systems of oppression like whiteness? Or the female student who's been told over and over again that she's just not good at math because she's a girl?



"For years, African Americans were silent in the presence of whites - silent, that is, about their true thoughts and feelings. For years, women were similarly silent in the presence of men." (Palmer, 2007, p. 46)



Palmer explains that for decades, young people are told they have no experience worth having and no voice worth speaking. This has been particularly true for students of color, who have a distrust of institutions that is fueled by decades of policy failure and whiteness. Palmer says we need to keep renewing our insight into our students true condition in spite of misleading appearances. As educators, especially in the study of comm, our jobs should be to help students find their voice, so they too can speak with truth and confidence.



Palmer says this requires us to "listen to a voice before it is spoken". He explains that we must make space for the other, be aware of the other, pay attention to the other, and honor the other. We can't coerce the silent student into speaking, but rather place yourself into the student's situation. Freire would argue to achieve true solidarity with the student, we must commit ourselves to entering the position the student is in and fight at their side to transform their objective reality. Encouraging students to speak for themselves can help in this transformation, but for both the student and educator to be creators of knowledge, the student must be an active participant that believes they have something worthy of contribution. They must also believe they are capable of contributing to whatever discipline they are studying or they will continue to deny themselves a truly transformative learning experience.



It is natural that we run straight to blaming the victim and ignore our shortcomings as teachers. But we can't let the fear within ourselves or the fear within our students erode our confidence and our ability. Overarching structures of violence like patriarchy and racism will continue to exist, so we can't hope to reach every student as deeply as we'd like, but going the extra mile with those that seem shut off and passive in the classroom could do wonders long term for not only students, but also ourselves.

Student from Hell 2.0

I have yet to experience the Student from Hell that Palmer describes, but I have encountered my own hellish pupil. My very own Student from Hell, Student from Hell 2.0. This Student from Hell 2.0” is not quietly hiding in the back under a baseball cap. She is sitting in the front row rolling her eyes and attempting to discredit every word I spew as well as each active learning activity I present to my students. Frequently mentioning how this class is a waste of her time and money in addition to commonly arguing with me over the grade she earns on assignments. As the weeks have gone by I have attempted to diagnose what is at the root of her outbursts and harsh nonverbals. My diagnoses have ranged from “maybe she just does not like me” to “she must not care” and finally resting on “she just does not take me seriously, therefore she does not take this class serious”. Does a good doctor diagnose a patient without examining and/or talking to the patient? No, Palmer has helped me come to this realization. The notion that I cannot assume what is happen in my student’s life that may be causing her behavior.

Although, Palmer’s and my student’s classroom behaviors are very different, I have taken a similar route in dealing with my student. Harnessing all I have learned as well as googled about reaching a student and tried everything other than just simply talking to the student. Palmer has aided my understanding with one statement: “the Student from Hell is not born this way but created by conditions beyond his or her control” (Palmer, 2007, p.45). Therefore, I should not assume I know what has caused the development of Student from Hell 2.0 and instead should talk to the student to find out.

Also, Palmer subtly forced me to take a look at the fear in my own heart. The fear of rejection consumes my need and want to speak with my students more openly. With this realization of my fear, I can now try to conquer it in the classroom.  It is time I have a long overdue heart to heart with my Student from Hell 2.0. #thefeels #wishmeluck

Comfort in mutual fear

"My fear that I am teaching poorly may be not a sign of failure but evidence that I care about my craft" (Palmer, 2007, pg. 39).  During this semester, fear is a meal consumed far too often by me.  The main dish is fear that I am a fraud but I sometimes work in a side dish of fear of the topic or fear of my students.  The quote stated above is a comfort to me, not just because it validates how I feel, but also to know that there are countless others who have walked this road before me and survived.  Teaching is not for everyone.  Some choose to leave the profession and some choose to stay when they should leave.  It has been a long time aspiration of mine to teach and I find comfort in Palmer's idea that fear is a healthy, sometimes needed, element to a teaching career.
In my semester of #trysomethingnew, fear of the unknown is a given.  Reassurance is found in the idea that collaborative learning, with my students, is encouraged.  Where I fall short is the notion that it is ok for me to tell a student "I don't know.  I'll check on that." or to admit to them "That is an angle I had not thought of."  Being a teacher does not mean being infallible.  At this point in the semester, with the readings we have done and with the stories from the classroom, I know that being a teacher means being humble.
Reading The Courage to Teach brought to light that students are afraid too.  During this semester, my thought process never settled on the fact that our students are in a new situation, with a new instructor, and with new classmates as well and they may also be afraid.  Comfort is found in mutual fear.  It is an element that bonds us if we admit that it exists and we use the energy generated from it to move us forward.
I am afraid...  Of failure, of being "found out", of letting my students down, of saying or doing the wrong thing.  With my #trysomethingnew and fear in hand, I will walk in to the classroom this morning and do my best with my authentic self because I do love teaching.  I hope it is enough.

Giving the "Student From Hell" the Benefit of the Doubt

Being a TA for COMM 3010 has not been the easiest thing to do. Since the course is intense in research and writing, students must spend a lot of time working on their assignments, which build on each other to form a final research proposal. All of their work means grading for this course takes hours. Because it takes hours, my colleagues and I get a little grumpy when having our family dinner grading parties.

Since I have put gifs on all of my blogs, we look a little something like this when we find a more difficult paper to grade:



Palmer (2007) mentioned the idea of the "student from hell" (p. 40).  His example is of a student who sat in the back of a guest lecture Palmer was teaching with his hat pulled over his eyes, jacket buttoned up, and absolutely nothing on his desk to take notes with. Palmer described how he aimed the entire class on trying to get that student engaged and did not succeed. Later, Palmer recounted how that particular student actually ended up bringing him to the airport to go home. The two had an in-depth conversation about how the student lived in a home that did not support his educational adventure. His father constantly encouraged the student to drop out and deal with a "fast-food job" (p. 45).

Palmer's example of the "student from hell" made me think about my "more difficult" students. I don't know where any of them come from. All I know is what they show in the classroom and, especially in 3010, on paper. My students may have very different home lives from what I could ever understand. I will never know what they are going through that may impact their preparedness for a course like 3010.

Although feelings *shudders* are difficult for me to understand (#heartwork is waaaaaaay more exhausting than expected), I think using enthusiasm will serve me well when dealing with these students.

We can't automatically be angry with students who don't perform to our expectations. We also cannot allow for a student's grade or actions to result in a judgment of his/her character. We still need to be excited for them, to find a way to also make them excited about what they are doing, and to not just assume that they are a "student from hell." If we can use our sense of #happy to make our students #happy, then we can bring #joy to ourselves and #joy to our students.

So, if you're facing a difficult student, practice your fake smile and make it seem genuine. Your excitement could be the push that a student needs to not be your "student from hell".

#happyhappyjoyjoy

-Tay

Something Fishy about this…

When you teach from the heart, it is difficult to completely agree with Fish’s ideology.

Although I can agree with Fish in some aspects, I believe that in order to effectively teach and inspire our students, we DO in fact need to go out of our way for them. Now, don’t get too carried away with that.  I’m not saying you are going to “save the world” through your teaching, however, I believe that we do need to inspire and make proper accommodations for our students to make a difference in our world – I mean, for many of our students, they ARE the next generation.  They DO contribute to society.  Your student could be the next Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, or the next president. As a teacher, our students do rely us to influence and shape their education (and to some degree, themselves).

Fish does make a good point, claiming that we should focus on academics.  This, I can completely understand.  Being a structured person myself, I understand the need for “uniformity” within a department or course.  Balance is key. However, I do not agree that as teachers we “just do our jobs.”  We do more than our obligations (setting up a course, preparing a syllabus, devising exams, etc.) …we care!

In my previous teaching experiences, I heard a quote from a very enthusiastic principal (that most definitely saw past educating solely on academics).  In a staff meeting, the principal stated, “If you reach their hearts, you reach their minds.” This quote has stayed with me throughout the years and has heavily impacted my pedagogy. So, I ask you, what do you do to reach their hearts? How do you inspire your students to not only participate, but to be moved? How do you apply your field to their lives?

#heartwork

Fish, S. (2008). Save the world on your own time. New York: Oxford.

Fish makes some good points.

Fish also makes some bad points.

Because my 'theme' for the semester centers around debate and systems of oppression like whiteness, the biggest points/arguments throughout "Save the World on Your Own Time", I wholeheartedly disagree with. Take for example page 29 - if Fish's model were implemented universally, there would not be debates about segregation in the 1950's because it is a political issue. Fish says that political issues should stay out the classroom because things that are mired with ideology, that are then 'taught' my educators are co-opting the space provided to them to use as a soapbox.

I take issue with this because it means classrooms would never provide the critical thinking skills necessary to question assumptions, authority and power. Critical thinking skills are the single most important thing we can take from school. Introducing students to bodies of knowledge and providing them with analytical skills to perform well in their decided disciplines is important - but if an education's purpose is not to create a "sustained influence on the way someone feels, acts or thinks" (Bain, 2014), Fish's pedagogical philosophies are woefully inadequate. They are not only inaccessible to certain populations (most POC), but also makes it difficult for students to provide contributions to their field.

So, global warming is probably gonna kill us all.
Face it, we're passed the tipping point, all CO2 emissions around the globe could stop TODAY and we MIGHT prevent the worst parts of it. BUT because there is conflicting evidence concerning whether or not climate change is actually 1) making the earth warm vs cool, 2) whether warming is anthropogenic vs natural and 3) whether CO2 emissions are the cause - this debate has become ideological and political. 97% of scientists are in agreement - global warming is real, the implications are disastrous, and humans are the cause of it. Because the debate has become political, does that mean we would never discuss these issues in the classroom? That they would never be taught because the political debate surrounding it isn't over yet? This model of education perpetuates the ignorance surrounding the global warming debate and ensures we don't act before it's too late. If people are apathetic or uninformed about the technical aspects surrounding climate change, change in consumption patterns never occur and it's not the elite that suffer - it's populations that are less equipped to deal with rising sea levels, less drinkable water, less farm land for food and an increase in resource scarcity/natural disasters.

One of the few arguments he makes that I agree with is that the idea that we should respect everyone's opinions is ridiculous. Not all opinions are neutral - there are good and bad opinions. An opinion must be informed, but students must learn when those opinions are indefensible. Opinions must be able to change when new evidence is available and must not be dogmatic. Opinions must be backed by facts and evidence.

Remember to #staywoke cuz they tryna catch us sleep but we #wokeaf
#teaching

Danny

Fish, S. (2008). Save the world on your own time. New York: Oxford.

Bain, Ken. (2004). What The Best College Teachers Do. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press.