Overstriver

I identify closely with the “overstriver” learning pattern we read about in Barkley. I am both repelled and attracted to challenges that I usually do ok on, but only after convincing myself of certain inadequacy. Fear of failure is a constant threat, and that fear- that-something-will-blow-up-in-my-face/passion-for-achievement manifests itself in a frenzy of activity, punctuated by my commute and naps. Who knows why I am wired like this; I do not really see the practicality or have the desire to dwell on past experiences #yourewelcome. As far as the program goes, there is still a little imposter syndrome, but it is WAY improved from last semester. If some of you newbies are feeling this way, it will pass; we have all been through this distraction from hell.

While life this semester is more settled, I still bite as much as I can possibly chew. I feel extremely lucky to have delicious opportunities like the TA position, because two years ago I moved frantically without any direction. Somehow, I wound up in a more-than-okay place, and the fear of not knowing what I will do with my life stepped down to make room for the fear that I’m not a credible source for adult learners. Being a teacher was a childhood aspiration, but from adolescence on, I felt less and less clever, less focused, less competent every year until I turned 25. I am amazed that grace held this life together. This is an attempt to be raw, not self-deprecating, and while encouragement and pep talks are reflections of love, these sentiments aren’t as transferable as we sometimes hope.

I am nervous now because teaching is something new, and like anything new we do, especially in the early parts of life, we are usually not so good at first #trysomethingnew. But after a couple years of not being so good at waiting tables, and then a couple years of not being so good at teaching yoga, and then not being so good at training yoga teachers, I am finally making peace with many of the symptoms of trial-and-error.

There is the trembling voice that most people do not detect. The few that do are compassionately familiar, completely apathetic, or if they think less of you- the WORST, so who cares. There is the annoying racing heart and the shaky breaths that struggle to bring balance back to the system. The likes, the ums, the racing, "what the f did I write down!?"… "Why am I here?"… "I would have seen this coming, if I was the person I'm pretending to be"… marque inside my head.

The ten, twenty times this happens to us, we have no choice but to accept these metal events as empiric truth. The more attention we pay to our inner dialog, and the more educated we become about physical symptoms of Communication Anxiety, the more patterns we recognize. Sometimes it takes hundreds even thousands of such dramas, but eventually fluctuations lose charge… become more benign. As we become more objective self-witnesses, these thoughts in times of challenge resemble samples of what might be--- data that we can respond to. #reflexivity  

In spite of the self-uncertainty, yogis believe that collective duty to respond never ends. We do our best to confine our duties to the present moment, in the beating of the heart, the shaking of the voice, the breath, or the words another is speaking. We put the oxygen mask on ourselves before assisting other passengers, which reminds me of a cool journey I went through this week sharing my improptu with fellow High CA students in mind.

A more humble approach to duty confines our influence to the mundane and the obvious--- lesson plans, staff meetings, student emails, class readings, lesson plans, a schedule, sources full of tools to share with my class, great faculty support… Amanda’s PowerPoints. Every moment is a new moment--- I am expressing initial impressions of teaching in this moment, and am very grateful.

I am proud to be among a community of brilliant and engaging peers, mentors, and friends #happyhappyjoyjoy. My students honor me far more than I have made room for complaint. I am tired. The workload is intense. I have no money in spite of this #HELPme, but I am okay. Life will change in ebbs and flows that this overstriver wishes to both seize and avoid. Confronting self-criticism with courage, authentic flexibility, a sense of humor, and PREPERATION is my current task, but like every task before, it will fade with time and make more and more room for duties that serve others more than my lame ego.

#pedayogi