FA21.Vibes.

 Wow thanksgiving break already?!!! There are two weeks? Maybe three weeks left in this semester?? WHEW I can't even keep up anymore!!!!! I have been counting down with my students this whole semester. I would start my housekeeping by saying, "Good morning y'all!!!! How are y'all today? (Because mental health checks are so important to me!!!). WELCOME TO WEEK 8!!!!!!". I remember celebrating that milestone and making sure that they celebrated themselves for making it so far. It's interesting being a teaching assistant for the first time and realizing that the students you teach are only "yours" for sixteen weeks and poof.... they are no longer in your life. What impact did I leave them? I am hoping that I left my students with an expanding critique to life. I praised my gentleman for sticking with the women in the room for being on our side during these crazy weird controlling times over our body and reproduction. I truly gave them their flowers and always ensured to leave them with an open space to be emotional. I hope that my gentleman heard me loud and clear when I told them that it is okay for men to cry.They are trained to deal with so many emotions internally, to the point in the long run where they become numb and numb emotions can create great dangers to them as well as other individuals. To my ladies, I had to REPRESENT because I am a woman first, everything second. 

According to Elizabeth Bell and Golombisky, women face a jeopardy when they are in the classroom. Women are often caught between voice and silence when it comes topics such as race and privilege. This causes women to move in "strategic ways" often making them choose the route of silence than voicing their thoughts, opinions and yes even their questions. My women of color face a double jeopardy as they have to play the classroom in an even more "strategic" manor. They are at a double jeopardy due to the fact that they are stereotyped as "loud, ghetto, and bitches" whenever they have a smart, eloquent, bold answer.

I made sure to protect my ladies in my classroom. I made sure to grade each student according to their knowledge and their efforts. Not because of their skin tone nor the stereotypes that accompany it. We really as educators, must give every student a fair chance! #DIVERSIFYIT. That fair chance can be given simply by grading the content that is presented in front of you. Knowing how much effort students put in are so important because that is the true journey of academia. It is a climb. 

My climb has been rough. I myself have been a good girl within the classroom, strategically thinking about what I want to say and how I am going to say it, It is quiete exhausting, but those where the cards I was dealt with and power lies within that. I truly hope I used my power to create an inclusive classroom (COMMUNITY) this semester. I will cherish my students for allowing me, my Mexican first generation college graduate student, teach them by being the real me, the advisor me, the mentor me, the TEACHER ME, the rough patched me, the tired me, the NOT SO GOOD GIRL ME, the teacher who teaches with her heart me, all of me. I will never forget them, and I really hope they never forget me. Cheers to good teaching, and being the change you want to see in this world Cyn!!!! 

Source:

Bell, E., & Golombisky, K. (2004). Voices and silences in our classrooms: Strategies for mapping trails among sex/gender, race, and class. Women's Studies in Communication, 27(3), 294–329. https://doi.org/10.1080/07491409.2004.10162478

Is it over?

 I have been trying to figure out how to bring closure to my blogs. Throughout the semester, I have essentially used these blogs as an informal diary. Maybe that's why I have been hesitant to post? It is undeniably terrifying to think that even one person might read these simple writings and construct ideas of who they think I am. A common theme I am starting to notice in writing blogs, self-silencing and sabotage. So maybe, these writings offer the sort of transparency and intimacy I can not bring forward in person. 

When I consider the past few months, I acknowledge all of my growth as an instructor. Moreover, realizing some of my faults, those privately contrived and undeniably present. When I was training for this position, I never considered the sort of reflexivity pedagogy might inspire. Truthfully, and perhaps ignorantly, I believed in a traditional banking model of education. But, I am proud to admit that a lack of hindsight perhaps resulted in a more prolific semester. I argue that maybe even the uncertainty provoked a new sort of determination and anger. I dedicate this last blog to those who live within this uncertainty. I look to Anzaldua to best describe not newfound anger but a better appreciated one. 

I Know You.

 Once upon a time, I took 2140. While I enjoyed the activity, I also recognized the stress students deal with leading up to the event. My own experience remains marked with the burden of communicating with inactive members and preparing for a completely foreign experience. I also recall standing in front of a judge and hoping for mercy. The judge held no awareness of my progress as a debater, the research efforts, and attempts to create a cohesive group climate. And I was terrified this five-minute moment held the power to decide my value as a student. 

Flash forward some amount of years later, and I found myself in the position of judge. I disliked it. Students looked at me with some measure of fear and hesitation. Understandably, the debate called for quick deliberation on someone's grade based on five minutes of speech. I was nervous. I believe I actually admitted to nerves in my last round of debates. The students laughed and looked on with skepticism. They questioned why I was nervous. I confessed this sort of event is nerve-wracking because no TA wants to give students a below-average grade. More importantly, I knew what it felt like to be in their exact position. To question if a judge would recognize all that might have led up to this single hour of debate. I was in the position to pick apart arguments, style, and demeanor. 

Freire (1970) recognized how positions of oppressed and oppressor are constantly shifting. Moreover, true solidarity within academia inherently relies on understanding how our bodies house both oppressed and oppressive identities (Freire, 1970). As a judge, I embodied the position of oppressor, where I had the opportunity to grade on the content of an hour's debate. However, my own experience in 2140 grants insight into students' positionalities and affects how I went about the debate process. I found it increasingly important to underline how much the teaching staff appreciated their hard work and flexibility. Considering most of the students had little to no debate experience, participating in the event revealed their courage to explore new grounds. Moreover, I understand these five minutes are only a brief representation of the tenacity in facilitating group work, approaching controversial topics, and enacting new methods of praxis. 

The quick pep-talk did wonders for their nerves! Students' shoulders relaxed some, and the franticness that had swept through the room leveled out. Recognizing student efforts seemed to reduce some of their performance anxiety and grounded them in the moment. The quick pep-talk did wonders for their nerves! Students' shoulders relaxed some, and the franticness that had swept through the room leveled out. Recognizing student efforts seemed to reduce some of their performance anxiety and grounded them in the moment. By verbally confronting the difficulty of the debate process, I hoped students were able to focus on enjoying the event rather than the outcome of a grade.  As I watched the debates, I recognized my abilities to adjust pressing systems #ForThem so that perhaps we persist together rather than remain divided. In this manner, I hope students come to understand how academia can serve as a place of transformation and co-creation (Freire, 1970). 

Freire, P.  (1970/2000). Pedagogy of the oppressed:  30th Anniversary Edition.  New York:  Continuum. 

BREWED by the best

Different people come into and leave our lives at different stages, but a strong force from within me compels me to acknowledge Dr Anderson-Lain. Albeit I may lack the exquisite words to explain how she came to my life, she has significantly impacted my career life, and her dedication and commitment to a better and professional me are worth appreciating. When I joined the University to study, I lived to believe I had it all in my #beYOUtiful head.

         

       However, what I held onto changed when I sat and began to listen to Dr Lain, She has augmented my understanding of some pedagogical concepts through different readings, and I heartily dedicate this piece to her. In a class where people of color formed the minority, her meticulous approach to the racial disparity shaped my appreciation of mentorship, showing love, and making home to students of color, derived from Callafel’s (2007) “Mentoring and Love: An Open Letter.” Since I was getting tired of color criticism, her teachings came at a critical time. When I felt hurt by isolation, her words of solace and voice of assurance strongly chased the hurt and saw it as a great avenue to healing. Also, her strong emphasis on the need to live for our culture and esteem love made me reflect strongly on the need to bond with other blacks.  Therefore, Dr Lain’s approach to racial disparities positively impacted my thinking and relationship with people of all races.

     

         Notably, I was worried why fewer students could be attentive during my lessons, but when I listened to her more often, I realized where the problem was and got the solution. She taught me about experience while in the education field, she has shown me the sense of taking every problem in class and making all possible outcomes, as Palmer (1998/2007) argues.

         Remarkably, most aspects of life were full of constraints, and so education was. Although the theories she used underwent criticism, this did not deter her from moving on. Her learning experience was the best for me. Also, I noticed that education was key in solving many world problems: both the old and the new education merged. At times I was worried about how I would present a lesson in front of students from different races and walks of life. Still, she introduced to me the educational continuum of philosophies that Palmer (1998/2007) discusses in “The Courage to Teach” to help me present my ideas with the utmost quality. Therefore, if not for her, I could have grown dumbfounded and deferred, something normal to people from foreign lands.

          

         Through constant interaction with her, I realized that dehumanization also affected the oppressors, although indirectly. I fully understood that liberation from oppression was painful childbirth that needed perseverance and was best achieved mutually (Freire,1970/2000). Dr Lain taught me how not to be an oppressor through Freire’s (1970/2000) "Pedagogy of the oppressed.” This lesson opened my eyes and gave me the stance to push on in education. In my wildest dreams, her teachings dismissed the thoughts. Besides, she opened my eyes to changing education to freedom. Her unique education culture analogy, case studies made me fully understand pedagogy derived from Dewey (1938). One of her analogies opened my eyes to learning that education would always be above fear and it enabled my confidence to learn through Hammond and Anderson-Lain’s (2016) “A pedagogy of communion. Theorizing popular culture pedagogy.”

      

           At this point, I am fully confident to teach and influence the lives of many others. I thank her for being a great pilot in this beautiful pedagogical journey that lasted for 14weeks in class but will last a lifetime outside the classroom.

Wherever the wind blows, remember  #beYoutiful

 

 

 

 

 

 

References

Calafell, B. (2007). Mentoring and Love: An Open Letter. Academia.edu.

Dewey, J.  (1938). Experience and education.  New York: Collier

Freire, P.  (1970/2000). Pedagogy of the oppressed:  30^th Anniversary Edition.  New York:

Continuum

Hammonds, K., & Anderson-Lain, K. (2016). A pedagogy of communion: Theorizing popular culture pedagogy. The Popular Culture Studies Journal, 4, 106-132.

 

Palmer, P. J. (1998/2007). The courage to teach: Exploring the inner landscape of a teacher’s life. San Francisco: Wiley & Sons

 

Struggle Season

    I am struggling. I think coming to terms with how and why I am struggling has been a battle itself. I grew up feeling competent. Granted, I had a ridiculous amount of anxiety, but I felt competent nonetheless. Like most people, I have dealt with levels of imposter syndrome throughout my academic career. Never has impostor syndrome felt so burdensome and present, and every word out my mouth feels tainted with mediocrity. I look to my peers, and I am proud of them. I admire them. But, never has a classroom felt so alienating and not for me. Notes of seasoned prose and perfect articulation stream through the rooms, belonging to every mouth but mine. I hate class sometimes. Never because of my cohort or faculty, but because I can feel a border of my manifestations. I can feel my insecurities muting my voice. I wonder if maybe this place does not belong to me. For me. 

My dad often says, if it was easy, everyone would do it. And I hold his words like a note in my pocket. By now, his words have been softened and worn by my frequent invocations and recall. I look at the reasons why I have stayed. I recollect moments where I felt present. 

When I wonder why I matter here, in this institution, it is my connection to teaching that keeps me stable. Teaching has been one of the greatest rewards from graduate school (that's not to say I don't have moments where I am feddddddd UP with grading.) More than anything, teaching has led to my interrogation of the idea of winning and losing (Palmer, 1998). Palmer (1998) argued a lack of reflexivity within instructors unfairly centers students towards ideologies of success. So then, why am I afraid of academia? What do I lose if I am not perfectly articulate? How can I teach honesty without teaching honestly? I find it increasingly difficult to tell my students to find freedom within the classroom and speak without fear if I cannot extend these qualities to myself. Palmer (1998) writes, "the courage to teach from the most truthful places in the landscape of self and world, the courage to invite students to discover, explore, and inhabit those places in the living of their own lives" (p. 190). I argue that perhaps to teach with love, I need to embrace uncomfortability. To explore my space in academia without fear of rejection. And I realize my willingness to engage in the sort of suffering that belongs to "all that is unresolved in [my] heart" (Palmer, 1998, p. 89) is #ForThem and by them. 

Palmer, Parker J. (1998). The courage to teach: exploring the inner landscape of a teacher's life. San Francisco, Calif.:Jossey-Bass,

Let's Rant

    For the first time, my student attendance in 2140 is lacking. Lacking it is putting it mildly. I had a total of 10 students show up to recitation. All semester, I had my consistent 22 students showing up in mind and body. However, I noticed the past two weeks students felt and looked drained. Attendance decreased. I hoped perhaps getting past midterms might alleviate some of the tension. Standing in front of the room, faces of tired and fed up students stared back. 

Uncomfortable. 

    As one might imagine, losing half my class felt personal. It felt like I had somehow become someone not worth seeing. I hate admitting and recognizing the excess of ego in that form of thought. I reached out to a fellow TA (Cyn) and asked for some advice. How many of your students are still showing up? Are they active in class? What are you doing in recitation to keep them engaged? Cyn, of course, replied with a candid answer, "I let them complain." I felt like an idiot. I stressed about my students without ever considering listening to them. Dannels (2015) would be sorely disappointed by my behavior. Dannels (2015) argued effective teaching resided in approaching the classroom with holistic interactions. Rather, an instructor needs to move beyond traditional academic instruction. Dannels (2015) noted passion within the classroom called for: 

1. "engaging with students in interactions about their non-academic lives" (p. 209) 

2. recognizing how my teaching practices offset or acknowledge their lived experience" (p. 209)

    In the following recitation, I asked students if they were willing to participate in a unique icebreaker. For three uninterrupted minutes, students are able to complain to their peers, me, or in a journal regarding any stressors in their lives! Without hesitation, students took to the activity. Individuals started explaining shitty work environments, coursework, or minor annoyances. It felt like a veil of distress had been lifted just by acknowledging their anxieties. Moreover, I recognized this was a time to not only request for student vulnerabilities but reciprocate my own. I explained to some students my own stress about the current workload, and for a brief moment, we all felt seen and heard. We recognized our identities away from the restricting space of a classroom, and it brought life back into the space. I cannot really account for how the students felt, but I recognize how present I felt again. Reading the room, students seemed re-focused and engaged for the first time in a couple of weeks. As I continue to teach throughout the semester, I find it prudent to recognize how teaching styles need to support the demands of the students. However, not only in terms of academics but in relation to their entire persons. I will never be a perfect instructor, but if I teach #ForThem, perhaps I can be a valuable one. 

    Shout out to Cyn for providing this classroom icebreaker! I cannot imagine teaching this semester without all of the insight and help you provide. When I think about our journey this semester as TA’s, I find comfort in this Hooks (1994) quote, “ The academy is not a paradise. But learning is a place where paradise can be created” (p. 207). 

Dannels, Deanna. (2015). Eight Essential Questions Teachers Ask: A Guidebook for Communicating with Students. 

hooks, b.  (1994). Teaching to transgress:  Education as the practice of freedom.  New York:  Routledge.

The Rhetoric of APA

As we enter into the mid-semester, I find myself struggling with the idea of grading a student. Before I undertook the responsibilities of a TA, I had a firmer view of grading. To be frank, I believed I would easily hand out a failing grade. As a student, I had a stringent understanding of responsibility, success, and academics. Considering my background, my grades essentially denoted my ability to self-actualize. While I understood any form of self-actualization did not rely on perfect grades, the ability to self-actualize relied on reaching an environment fitted for fostering such growth. Meaning, my ability to self-actualize relied on attending university, successfully earning a degree, and finding a well-paying job. But, I could not successfully meet my goals without reducing myself to grades. 

I believed in a meritocracy. I find it difficult to rewire the sort of thinking that only serves to oppress my students. Although I often diminished my abilities to perform as a successful student, instructors frequently and willingly pushed through self-imposed limits. While I can not quantify their attention as good or bad, there was a specific focus on enhancing my skills and proficiencies as a student. I had the privilege of attention. 

My 3010 students recently turned in their first set of abstracts. For most students, this is their first time fully embracing APA and using all of the writing rules. A few students received grades well below their expectations. As I marked their pages of writing, I felt burdened with the reality of the situation. Increasingly, each new mark fueled an overwhelming frustration with myself and the students. I wondered why they had not taken my advice and looked over their writing. Why were my students still violating simple rules of point of view and anthropomorphism? Memories of my own time in 3010 only served to alienate my relationship and empathy with students. Fassett and Warren (2007) argued, "being a critical scholar is about always being accountable for not only what you intend but what kinds of effects you put into motion. It is about holding yourself responsible even when privilege tells you are not, about listening to others even though you feel you are entitled to speak. (88)" 

Fasset and Warren noted, “writing this narrative was the most significant part of this essay for me - doing so called on my own need to examine the mundane enactments of how privilege was embedded in my own body.” (108) How can I hold every student to the same standard, across the board, without taking into account their own starting points? How is there justification in reducing a student to a numerical grade? Without my own doubt on the inherent connection to subjective terms excellent, great, average, or below average. I know there is no clear answer to the problem. No magic solution in fixing a historically faulty system. My silent challenge to the system reflects on how I present my own position of their work in person. Reinforcing their own power as a scholar to grow and create work that reflects their positionality. Perhaps I cannot challenge the expectations of writing style and form, but I can 

negotiate why their writing matters. I recall their writing is #ForThem and I position myself as a resource to conceptualize their own possibilities within the discipline. 

Fassett, D. L., & Warren, J. T.  (2007). Critical communication pedagogy.  Thousand Oaks, CA:  Sage.