I'm still working on me and I'm coming back better

As I approach the near end of my third semester in graduate school and I reflect over my hashtag #MindfulLearning, I want to continue being completely open and vulnerable with not only you all, but myself, as I have recently been faced with some harsh realities that I desperately needed to recognize before it was too late. 

I have become #Mindful that my personal life has changed tremendously since this past summer and although these changes were ultimately the best decision, I could have made for myself, there have also been major consequences to my decisions. As of May, I was homeless and without a car. I was previously living with my Mother, but she is mentally ill and goes through periods where she does not like me and will kick me out of the house. I decided that this would be the last time I would go through the uncomfortableness of not knowing if I could come back to a place I called home and trying to force my Mother to love and treat me decently.

 From the month of May to August, I bounced around from house to house with my puppy Zeus with hopes that I could get my own apartment and be independent and free from toxic relationships. I am so grateful that I had such a strong support system over the summer to transport me to and from work, and any place I needed to stay for a couple of weeks at a time.Over the summer I worked my ass off to save money to buy furniture for my apartment and have money to pay my rent being that the only reason I was able to get my own apartment was because of the Graduate Assistantship I was offered, but little did I know I would not be receiving my first paycheck until October.  I conditioned myself not to spend money unnecessarily, but most importantly not to spend money on food. I would eat once a day or not all and I sadly still do this till this day.

 When I moved into my apartment at the beginning of August, I continued this practice because I needed to make sure I could pay my rent being that my only source of income at the time was from DJ’ing. As a result, I have formed an eating disorder that is drastically changing my appearance. None of my clothes fit anymore and I do not like seeing myself in the mirror because I do not recognize the person looking back at me. I have conditioned myself not to eat for the sake of saving money, sustaining energy to keep doing work, and as a result I no longer have an appetite; and if I do eat, it makes me feel sick. It also does not help that I ride a bike for a total of four miles from Downtown Denton to campus and back, therefore nothing I eat will stick to me because I’m burning more calories than I am intaking while also struggling with having an urge to eat at all. Riding the train three days a week has been mentally taxing and affecting me in the darkest and most negative ways. 

I get harassed every single day on the train by crackheads, homeless people, and even prostitutes. I try to keep my head down and headphones in, but each and every time I have someone who refuses to leave me alone. I politely try and decline conversation but I either get cursed out or threatened as a result, which keeps me on edge constantly. I’m a tough girl, probably the toughest female you will ever meet. I have been through a lot and I have seen too much, but I can honestly say this is the first time I have ever feared for my well-being in my lifetime. I have had individuals on the train light a crack pipe and try and blow the smoke in my face. I have had men masturbate in front of me and follow me if I moved away from there. I have had a group of men circle around in attempt to get me to converse with them and touch me without asking. You may ask, “Where is security?” They are nowhere to be found on or outside of the DART train. I hold a taser in my hand the entirety of my train ride which surprisingly brings even more unwanted attention to me. I do not know when I will ever get another car because I do not have the money to buy a car, pay for insurance, or even help from my parents. I financially depend on myself, so the train is my only option right now. I am thankful for my professors for allowing me to leave class ten minutes early to catch the last train of the night that departs at 9pm. 

 I recently made the decision to take a break from DJ’ing because the back-to-back late nights and early mornings were extremely taxing on my workload of being a full-time student, part time teaching assistant, accepting my job back at the radio station, and preparing for COMPS when the semester ends. Thinking back at my decision makes me really sad because DJ’ing is my passion, but I also had to recognize some of the environments I was allowing myself to be sucked into where men were sexually harassing me and trying to force me to have relations with them in order to keep my residency at their specific venue. I let it all go for my sanity and there are so many other things I want to let go, but I am forcing myself to see it through. I promise this is not a cry for help. I have been opening up about this to the people I love and trust, and they are helping my get through it all. I am still #learning how to openly express my struggles and let down my stone brick wall that makes people assume I have my shit together. I am here to #Mindfully recognize and state that I am slowly falling apart, BUT I am striving to #Learn how to put myself back together again.

In the words of Abbass-Dick et al. (2020) “Mindfulness assists individuals to focus their attention, increase their curiosity and accept present moment experiences in the body, which help enable them to recognize that intense, unpleasant sensations do pass,” and this too shall pass.

Thank you for reading.

Source:

Abbass-Dick, J., Sun, W., Stanyon, W. M., Papaconstantinou, E., D’Paiva, V., Jiwani-Ebrahim, N., & Dennis, C.-L. (2020). Designing a mindfulness resource for expectant and new mothers to promote maternal mental wellness: Parents’ knowledge, attitudes and learning preferences. Journal of Child & Family Studies, 29(1), 105–114. 

https://doi-org.libproxy.library.unt.edu/10.1007/s10826-019-01657-5

You Saved Me

On my journey in education, I can gratefully reflect back to the teachers and mentors I had throughout middle school and junior high school who poured into me and shaped me into the woman I am today. Hooks (1994) emphasizes in her book, Teaching to Transgress that “professors who are not concerned with inner well-being are the most threatened by the demand on the part of students for liberatory education, for pedagogical processes that will aid them in their own struggle for self-actualization” (Hooks, 1994 pp. 17). This type of practice would not be implementing #MindfulLearning whatsoever and students desperately need teachers to guide them in reaching their full potential whether the student is in their primary, secondary, or post-secondary education. 

I am a sibling of four. I have two sisters, Whitni who is ten years older than I am and Symone who is 15 months older than me. I also have a twin brother, Jacques who is four minutes younger than I am. Symone, Jacques and I went to the same school up until the time we went to junior high school (Jacques transferred to a different school). Since we moved to North Dallas, I always experienced an overwhelming and annoying amount of attention from my peers because there was three of us at one school. They treated us like triplets, and I really cannot say that I knew any other students who had more than one sibling attending the same school, so it was all eyes on us. I absolutely hated it, I used to tell people that I was adopted because I was always reminded someway somehow that I was not supposed to be here. For a while I conditioned myself to believe that I did not belong here, and I was not supposed to be here. My Mother found out she was having twins at her 7 month checkup and she always felt the need to remind how overly depressed she was when she found out about me.

 Anyways, I hated being compared to my sister when it came to playing sports and academics, and I hated being a twin to a boy on top of that. A lot of my female friendships were stemmed from them “having a crush on my brother” so I kept my distance from a lot of people because at an early age I could see through the bullsh*t. My mother being single and raising three young children alone did what she could to attend to each of us, but I personally feel like I have always received the bare minimum (even til this day) because I have always been seen as the low maintenance child. My Father at the time lived in Florida, but he would come down for holidays and take us back to West Dallas whenever he came into town. My siblings and I played a different sport each season of the school year and I was the child who did not have anyone come to my games to support me, so what did I do? I quit. 

I saw absolutely no point of continuing something I barely even enjoyed just for the sake of my athletic legacy with Mom being a Southern Methodist University Basketball Legend and a previous overseas Pro Basketball Player and my Father being a Football Legend at Vanderbilt University. It showed and proved to me that no one cared about me on top of always being mistreated in comparison to my siblings, I was tired of existing especially since I didn’t “belong here anyhow”. 

In middle school, I was insanely suicidal. I would intake numerous amounts of different pills that I could find around my house and take them just so I could “go to sleep forever” and it never worked. One day I was in theater class, I had taken probably over fifteen different pills that day and I was so groggy, I could barely keep my head up. My theater instructor, Mrs. Harper knew something was not right with me. I do not know how, but thinking back, she was so #Mindful of my wellbeing I believe she noticed my energy and spirit depreciating as we got through the school year. I used to sit right in front of her with all smiles and I ended up moving myself to the very back of the class and kept my head smack down on the desk. She asked me over and over what was wrong with me, and I just continued telling her day by day that I was tired. One day, I think she had enough of my excuses and my behavior. Mrs. Harper took me to the bathroom and made me throw up. We both looked at what was left of what I swallowed that actually came back up and she just held me and cried with me. I told her everything I was feeling and experiencing, and I begged her not to tell my mom or send me to the office or hospital. She kept her promise, but every day moving froward she kept me on a leash. She watched over me, she took care of me, she made me eat lunch with her every day and made me fall in love with the TV Show I Love Lucy. She trusted me but also held me accountable for my previous actions. She asked me every single day “did you take something today?” and I would tell her the truth, that I did not. She would give me this death stare like you better not be lying to me little girl, and we would always laugh afterwards, but I know deep down she knew I was being honest. She supported anything and everything I wanted to do. She is one the main reasons I am still here today, and I will forever be indebted to her. 

Thank you, Mrs. Harper. Thank you for taking the time to be #Mindful of me as a young, confused, and desperate little girl. Thank you for #Learning how to deal with me and teaching me how to cope with my problems when you had so much going on your damn self. You truly saved me.

Source: 

Hooks, B. (1994). Teaching to transgress: Education as the practice of freedom. New York: Routledge.

2020 Has My Heart

 

Today I was presented with the opportunity to engage in a moment of #MindfulLearning with a student of mine and I could not be more honored at the fact that she chose to be vulnerable with me in that moment when she absolutely did not have too. Each week I present my students with a question to answer at the beginning of class to implement how important it is to always introduce yourself whenever you are requested to speak and to also build connections with your classroom through these communication rapport strategies. As we approached the last student to answer the posed question, another student of mine pointed out how I missed someone. I have no idea how I missed her, but I did. I apologized and asked her to stand up to answer the question, but she declined. Although she had her mask on, I noticed her complexation to be flushed as if she were crying or holding back her tears, and it also looked like she could barely open her eyes because they were swollen most likely from crying.

 I paused the class for moment because I could not divert my attention away from how sad I knew she was, so I asked her to step outside with me. Once we were outside, I asked her if she was feeling okay and right in that moment, she divulged a lot of personal, sensitive information about her mental state of mind while crying her eyes out. It broke my heart to hear that she is having such a tough time in her personal life and knowing how I desperately struggle with my own mental health, I needed to reassure her that she was not alone and that sometimes it is okay to not be okay. I told her that if she needed to, she could excuse herself from the remainder of the recitation because our class consists of a lot of group activities therefore it would require her to be socially present and that was probably the last thing she felt comfortable doing. The empath in me just wanted to hug and rock her, and try to take all of her problems away, but I also wanted to be #Mindful in the fact that she may not be comfortable with affection especially from someone she does not know that well. I did not want to overstep any boundaries with her as my student, but I did want to let her know that she has my heart and full support in this stage of life she is in and that we may very well all be in, so I made sure to check up on her via email after class to remind her that I am her to help. 

Even though that vulnerable moment with my student made me sad, I did notice how vulnerable, understanding, and empathic my class as whole was being today and it made me feel amazing to be the one to bring these practices out of them unintentionally. The question I posed to my students was “What is something that someone could do today on national do something nice day, that would make you extremely happy?” Each of my students gave a range of answers but I had about a handful of students whose answers were very personal to how they may have been feeling today. Some of these answer included: If you could just smile at me, “if you could tell me I’m doing just fine” and one of my favorites “If I could get a hug, that would make me really happy.” Two of my students got up and gave her the most beautiful hugs I have ever witnessed. They truly embraced each other and exchanged good energy with one another. They literally hugged for over five seconds, and I wanted to shed a tear because the exchange was so pure and genuine. 

I had to let my students know that they are truly amazing individuals to get to know, learn, and grow with. How could I have gotten so lucky to have such thoughtful students attending to the emotional needs of their peers in only seven weeks of interacting with each other? Then on top of that, how ironic is it that in this week’s pedagogy discussion highlighting The Courage to Teach by Parker Palmer (1998/2007) he encourages us a teacher’s to be vulnerable with our students and I end up having an entire day reflecting his practices. To be vulnerable is to be #Mindful of not only our own thoughts and feelings but also the people around us, like my students. Palmer says and I quote “as we try to connect ourselves and our subjects with our students, we make ourselves, as well as our subjects, vulnerable to indifference, judgment, and ridicule” (pp. 18). Today I was the student, and my students were the teachers. I #Learned how emotionally intelligent and connected they are and how receptive they are to my authenticity and the “heart” I have for each of them, even my student that shows up thirty minutes late weekly. You would have thought that I have been teaching them #MindfulLearning this entire time when in all actuality they have been teaching me.

Source:

Palmer, P. J. (1998/2007). The courage to teach: Exploring the inner landscape of a teacher’s life. San Francisco: Wiley & Sons.

I do not want to be an oppressor...

After this week’s discussion over our reading and understanding of Pedagogy and the Oppressed by Paul Freire, I discovered that as a teacher I am an oppressor. Initially, it was unsettling to see myself outside of the consistent role of being oppressed based on the color of my skin and my gender; but the assertion of power I reflect upon my students is indeed a form of questionable oppression. 

When I started teaching this semester, I noticed that the position came naturally to me, and I really liked because I felt an overwhelming amount of confidence just in the first week. I said to myself and several other people “I really enjoy being in roles of power.” Thinking back at that statement after reading Paul Freire’s (1970/2000) text, I am disgusted with myself that I found that feeling to be enjoyable and had the never to speak aloud about the feeling using that specific terminology? I was not #Mindful whatsoever in how my statement may have come across to other individuals in my same role as an educator let alone the individuals of a different race who could have overheard the inappropriate comment. 

I am #Learning that this is an ignorant manner of depicting leadership and how I stated my role as an educator is not how the role resonates with me in having power over other people. I am going to make a conscious effort to engage in appropriate #MindfulLearning when it comes to the Dialogue, I chose to reflect my feelings associated with my actions. If Dialogue requires “an intense faith in human-kind, faith in their power to make and remake, to create and re-create faith in their vocation to be more fully human” (Freire, 1970/2000, pp. 90) I should be implementing this practice with my students to establish a trusting relationship.

I have a student who I have been disappointed with for a couple of weeks now and I have recently become #Mindful that losing faith in him as a student is not practicing the foundation of love and humility that I should be instilling into him as an educator.For the past six weeks, he has shown up to his lecture over thirty minutes late. Our recitation is right after the lecture, and he will come in over thirty minutes late as well. He also has the lowest grade in my class and asks for accommodations thirty minutes before an assignment is due at midnight.  

I have had several conversations with him about his tardiness and his explanation is that he does not know where the buildings are located. I told him that he could walk with me to our recitation, but he chooses not too.  I told myself that if he continued to disrupt my teaching environment by walking in late that I would ask him to leave the classroom but after reading Freire’s text I will not do that because that feels like an over assertion of power, and I want to establish equal opportunity in my classroom. I do not want to engage in the practice of abusing the power given to me because of my own frustration. Taking away the opportunity to learn away from any of my students even if it is due to their own faults is oppressive. 

What I am going to be #MindfullyLearning and practicing moving forward is serving as a guide to my students and talking through the different and specific ways they can succeed in their undergraduate career. Instead of telling my specific student to “please do better” I need to provide him with different options and approaches in which he can try to do so, even if it seems remedial. I want to show him that I care about him as a student and most importantly as a human being in this learning community. 

I do not enjoy being in positions of power, I enjoy being in positions of guidance. #MindfulLearning

Source:

Freire, P.  (1970/2000). Pedagogy of the oppressed: 30th Anniversary Edition. New York:  Continuum.

I am not okay... and that is okay.

I often wonder if we as living, breathing, and communicating human beings are aware that sometimes, it is okay to not to be okay. Every day may seem repetitive in a sense, but each of our individually different days consist of different emotions, situations, and outcomes that can either have a positive or negative affect on each of us. My ultimate goal in promoting #MindfulLearning is to create a protective and open atmosphere by using this post and future blog posts to acknowledge my everyday thoughts and feelings about being a young woman who is currently a full-time master’s student and a part time teacher with two other jobs outside of school. 

When you are practicing being #Mindful that means you are making yourself aware of your thoughts, emotions, and how you are feeling mentally and physically. I am #mindful that I am an emotional and sensitive individual. I cry a lot; I get overly upset at small things when I am under a lot of stress and pressure. Most of the time, I get so overwhelmed to the point where I shut down and shut everyone out. On top of my crippling anxiety and chronic depression, I am a Black woman that is constantly reminded that I do not look black, so I must be mixed. I am a black woman so I must have at least two children by now. I am a black woman so I must be insane. I am a black woman, therefore anything and everything I do or say matters ten times more than the next race because Black women are heavily stereotyped to be angry, poor, miserable, loud, uneducated, aggressive, unapproachable, and or “ghetto”. I constantly have to fight the stereotype placed upon me and be #mindful of how I may be perceived ultimately for the comfortability of others. 

Gendron (2019) developed a mindfulness program referred to as Acceptance Commitment Training (ACT) in effort to develop students’ emotional competencies. Rather than teaching individuals to control their thoughts and feelings, the ACT promotes individuals to observe, accept, and embrace their feelings and emotions (especially the ones we do not want to talk about). Implementing this training can promote better “self-esteem, self-knowledge, and relation with others as empathy or conflict management”(Gendrom, 2019). I am teaching myself how to unlearn this practice of shrinking myself and my personality to make other people fit when they never belonged in the first place. I am ready to learn how to accept myself and be accepted while being my true authentic self, including all of the emotion, stress, and sometimes negative thoughts that can come with being me, without judgement. The Acceptance and Commitment training can help us all learn how to cope and fight through our painful thoughts, emotions, memories, and perceptions in order to reach our goals and concentrate on what is most important by using six processes: cognitive diffusion, acceptance, contact with the present moment, observing the self, values, and committed action (Gendrom, 2019).

In the cognitive diffusion process, we will be #learning how to reduce our natural tendency to conceptualize thoughts, images, emotions, and memories. During the acceptance process we will be #learning how to not struggle with our thoughts by allowing them to come but also allowing them to go. When #learning how to stay in contact with the present moment, we will concentrate on the here and now, not yesterday or tomorrow but right now. In the process of observing the self, we will be #learning our values and what is most important to our true selves and in the process of committed action we will be #learning how to set our goals in alignment to what we value the most and responsibly carrying out those goals (Gendrom, 2019).

In order to teach #MindfulLearning to our students, we must first engage and practice learning about ourselves and be comfortable in verbalizing who we are and how we feel. 

If you are open to growing and being venerable with me, I would like to invite you to engage with me in the therapeutic technique of #MindfulLearning. I look forward to learning with you and learning more about you.

Mindfully,

Chrissy Stephenson

Source:

Gendron, B. (2019). Emotional Capital, Positive Psychology, and Active Learning and Mindful Teaching. New Directions for Teaching & Learning, 2019 (160), 63–76. https://doi-org.libproxy.library.unt.edu/10.1002/tl.20365